decided to come confess my sins! LOL!
Yesterday and the day before, actually this whole damned week has not been my week! I have pushed to my absolute limit of patience and integrity! Trying not only the body but the soul! I have somehow managed to survive the absolute worst humiliation yet of my obese life! Never again! Never again! That is all i keep telling myself!
Never again will I allow myself to be this big! Not after all the tears and heartache I am facing! I will never put myself through this agonizing journey ever again! It is easily said but very etched in memory every look giving to me these past few days. All the under the breathe remarks, the rolling eyes, and the starring at my fat stomach! Never again!
I walked into the appeals office of my insurance company this week to appeal the operation i so badly need and desire! To my surprise am presented to my case worker in charge of my medical case and low and behold she is 115 lb woman no bigger than my son seems like. Tiny petite woman! What such luck! But that is not what is bad i don't care if the woman as small or big or in between! I am just pissed at the fact that she had the ugliest attitude toward me! I literally felt like I was begging for services. She made me feel that little! After everything was said and she told me she would still have to review my file I probably put my foot in my mouth and said a few thing I shouldn't have! I told the lady if she would just be patient and sit and actually read through my 28 page file she could see that everything they said was missing was actually there! If they could take their time and actually sit they could see I am a person not just notes, and i have not one but three doctors behind me! they could see past their ignorance of obesity and actually care for the person and judge on appearance the medical word would be such n awesome place! I left the office in tears and so angry! How could a lady with facts in front of her face sit their in her fancy little office and tell me she will review my case to see if they will permit the surgery...
Do they not know that without it I can not loose the weight fast enough for the oncologist to do her treatment and the cancer will spread! It has already began...
I don't have time to waste! If I go under the knife with the weight I am almost guaranteed to not make it! So I am lost either way! I could have deadly repercussions from either outcome! So which way do I turn?
Not getting that off my chest I have to come to the confession part..
I came home and pigged out that night! I don't even remember what I ate only that I ate till I became ill to my stomach! Then had a very severe vomiting session afterwards! No not bulimic...natural response! The body could not consume or digest so much food at once! What possessed me to do this???? The hell if I know! It just happened. Then the remorse afterwards or what the hell I was doing to myself! Just when I thought I was doing so great...this happened to me! Never say you have something under control! When you least expect it, it can come back to bite you in the ass! I just learned that this week! I was feeling very confident about myself and my habit and one lousy experience and situation threw me for a loop!
I had to take a time out for me to regroup myself! I went to visit a family members grave and just cried until I could no more! I was close to this person and she and I shared many many thing in common! weight as well as other things...only she had the surgery and lost so much weight she was a very beautiful lady physically to look at when she as finished. Not that she wasn't attractive to begin with but you know what i mean. She died almost a year ago of complications of breast cancer...
I saw the toll the cancer took on her daily living and how the cancer sucked the light out of her...She was a very vivacious person and at the end could not do anything but be in bed. I don't want that to be me! I will not allow myself to end like she did! I have a son! He is young and he needs me more than anyone or anything in this world! For this I fight, for this I live, for this I love! So when I got my composure back I realized that I will beat this! I will have the surgery even if I have to repeat the 6month weight loss program again...I will! I will!