Today started ok! I took my brother to get his pet scan. No people not his pets! But a p. E. T. Scan! To see if he will need more chemotherapy and radiation treatments! I pray we are done! But I really feel like he is not! I pray I am wrong!
My dad's first appointment with an oncologist is this coming week. The 3rd to be exact. I am anxious for him to scan! The sooner the better for me! My life seems to hang in limbo! What fate has decided for me I truly don't know.
I try to remain hopeful but it can be hard at such times as these! I do not want to be my father and wait till it maybe to late. In the same sense I can't make people move! My case is up for review! It has gone to an appeal board. They will meet on Monday to decide my fate! I pray for this so bad! Wuthout it they are handing me a death sentence! I am already progressed and can't wait to much longer. If I go in like this my heart will not survive! So doomed either way! I have never in my life asked for anything other than my son, from God... But I am begging for this for not only me but my child as well!
People say oh you can lose the weight natural! You know how long it took to lose 103 pounds? It would take too long! I don't have this luxury! I wish I did!
Yet I still struggle everyday to make wise choices and be conscious of my daily activities!
Please lord help me help myself! That is all I ask! That is all I pray for myself.
I am not a selfish person! I think it wise of me to at least to ask for my health!

Today was a day I wish never happened!
Started off great! WAS in a good mood! Until the doctor came in and reconfirmed every suspection I had! My father as just diagnosed with Advanced Stage 3 maybe stage4 cancer. It has affected all 9 of his lymph nodes. Now we see a specialist and wait to get redignosed and find out if he is terminally ill! I can't even type this without crying! My mother has taken it just as hard! I don't have words to express how I feel except angry! Angry at all the doctors who pushed him from one doctor to the next! Angry at the hospital for the different diagnoses...prolonging his treatment! Just Angry! My father is everything to me! He came to pick me up when I was only 2years old and my biological mother abandoned me! We were raised by him my brother and I! My mother who is actually my step mom is the only mother I had until I was 22! That is when I met my biological mother for the first time! That is a novel in it's self! All I know is how will ...How am i ... Shit I just don't know! I actually recieved good news about my surgery yesterday and now becoming more optomistic about the surgery happening..but now with this how can I be happy? I am the one Who takes dad to the doctor and all his appointments...if I am recoverying who will do this?
Who will do alot of things when I am unable? I just don't know..................

Hello Again!
My blog is becoming few and far between due to all the things going on in my life right now. I wish I could tell myself that all is OK in my life...but it is just the opposite. My home life has become unbearable! My husband staying with me was never a good idea to begin with! His relationship with my son is being strained due to his ignorance! My husband is an alcoholic! His beer always comes first and my son second. I hate to see him suffer! When I sat my son down to talk about his feelings about his dad being there he told me that he didn't want him to leave even though he acted like a jackass! lol! I smiled and said are you sure and he said yes. I pray I am doing the right thing by letting this man be a part of my son's life at what cost?? My relationship with him is as always...shitty! I think since I have no respect for him it is hard to act as though nothing has happened. He has his good days( like when he surprised me to go to San Antonio.) but he has more bad days than good.
He wants me to treat him as my spouse in the sense that I tell him that I love him and let him know where I am and with whom...I didn't even do that when we were married let alone now. I think he is bipolar! haha! However all this may be it is not the reason which I am in a state of despair. My surgery has been on the rocks for more than two months now and I was finally told that they may not ever get an approval. So do I change insurance and start all over and lose the coverage for the cancer or do I battle out the rest and never get the surgery for the cancer? I feel like either way I am totally screwed! I have made a new discovery in which the doctors are truly concerned! As I have lost some weight...I have discovered a large lump in my left breast! I am going in this week to get a mammogram and possible MRI. They are alarmed because almost every female in my mothers family has had some type of breast cancer or tumors...I carry the mutated brac gene and have a cancer already...this puts me at a higher risk! I just pray it is not! I have not told anyone what I have found...No one at all! For it scares the shit out of me! Plus everyone is still so focused with dad and his cancer. I don't need anyone to worry for me.
My brother who has lymphoma is not doing so well! The chemo is taking it's toll on him! He has had a total of 10 treatments already and the cancer isn't responding as they would like. He will take a 3week break starting this week to recoup from the last dose and then go in for his first radiation treatment! I don't even want to imagine this!!! I was speaking to my father about the treatment for his and he told me that if they needed to do another surgery that he would not!!!! He said this is it for him...so please pray with me that they took it all out!
My diet....well another story all together!
I have slipped on my diet and ate just about anything I have wanted these last two weeks. I have paid for it too! Gaining five pounds back! Ughhh! So mad at myself. But I feel the depression trying to creep back in. I ill not let it come in again! I will continue to fight until I cannot! Not being optimistic about my surgery has lead me off the path. So I decided that with or without the surgery I will do this the hard way! I have taken off 103lbs by myself...so I think , I KNOW, I can do this! I have gone back to reading labels ..portion control...lots of water...more exercise than intake....and snacking healthy! I am really gonna push myself these next couple of weeks! I need to get back to where I was before...
Being physically drained and then tested beyond your imagination is hard to do! Then having to try to be mom to my nephew who is spoiled beyond means...even harder! I ask what the hell did my parents do to this kid to make him the way he is now? When he came to live with me he was 2months old. He left hen he was 13months to live with my parents because I became unable to care for him physically! I was hemorrhaging alot. Not able to carry him...his mom came back when he was 14months and left him again at 2 yrs. old. No at 2 1/2 O.M.G! Is all I have to say...I love the kid but can not wait for him to go back home!
Well I hope my next blog I have better news to give and more pounds shed....right now not feeling very hopeful...but I BELIEVE! That is all that matters!

So many things have happened in the past few days since my last blog entry...
Dad has his surgery and he is doing better physically! He has 5 incisions and one of them is large. They began his surgery laproscopicly and ended it with an open incision. He spent 4days in the hospital and came home! He is still in pain but he is a fighter...guess that is where I get my spirit! When I began to read the discharge papers the unofficial diagnoses was Stage2 colon cancer. However when I questioned the doctor they said it was a guess...not an official diagnoses. The lymph node looked pretty affected. So they suspect stage 3 cancer. Mom doesn't know neither does dad..he goes back on the 19th of this month to remove the staples and get his official diagnoses! I will be there with him!
As for me well things are not going so good anymore! My blood count is off the chart and I am very physically drained! I am taking charge off my nephew who is 2 even though I sometimes can not function physically! I push myself to get up every morning and fall into bed dead tire every night! I fear I maybe pushing myself too far, but what alternative do I have....it is my dad and my son and my nephew who need me! My nephew has nowhere else to go that is familiar to him. I can not say no to my parents! But at what expense am I pushing myself! I went to the doctor and they prescribed me some new pills...which are suppose to help...they don't! I just keep pushing forward!
My weight loss has hit a plateau! I lost 103lbs and hit a snag....the surgery has been pushed around by the insurance company so many times I can not even remember the number now...just to say it has been resubmitted so many times and this will be the last time they can submit it for up to 90 days...So if they deny it I have to wait another 90 days to resubmit! Every error has been on their part not ours, yet they fail to recognize the error and correct it! How can people be so irresponsible with others lives? I just wonder if they can go home at night with a clean conscious? If it were Me,I wouldn't be able to sleep knowing the person I am denying could lose their life while I am contemplating! But hey to each their own!
I am out of the 400's now and never going back!!!!!!never ever ever!!!!
My mobility is so much better and my clothes fit better! I can shop at the places I like now! Not just on line clothing that I can not try on because the sizes are right. I still struggle with healthy food choices...I would be lying if I said I do not! It is a constant battle that I think will stay with me forever! Just today I ate two tacos from taco bell. Not very healthy or very good for me! The other day I let myself drink a vanilla shake...you know how many calories that thing had??? Too many!!!!!
I still exercise and keep up with my physical activities!!! Enjoy walking in the fresh cool air and taking my nephew for a picnic to the park! Even though I feel sick I do not let it get me down! I guess I figure if I stop forcing myself to keep going I will really feel the illness set in and I will go faster. I don't know...All I do know is that I can't give in to the beast who wants me!