Hello Again!
My blog is becoming few and far between due to all the things going on in my life right now. I wish I could tell myself that all is OK in my life...but it is just the opposite. My home life has become unbearable! My husband staying with me was never a good idea to begin with! His relationship with my son is being strained due to his ignorance! My husband is an alcoholic! His beer always comes first and my son second. I hate to see him suffer! When I sat my son down to talk about his feelings about his dad being there he told me that he didn't want him to leave even though he acted like a jackass! lol! I smiled and said are you sure and he said yes. I pray I am doing the right thing by letting this man be a part of my son's life at what cost?? My relationship with him is as always...shitty! I think since I have no respect for him it is hard to act as though nothing has happened. He has his good days( like when he surprised me to go to San Antonio.) but he has more bad days than good.
He wants me to treat him as my spouse in the sense that I tell him that I love him and let him know where I am and with whom...I didn't even do that when we were married let alone now. I think he is bipolar! haha! However all this may be it is not the reason which I am in a state of despair. My surgery has been on the rocks for more than two months now and I was finally told that they may not ever get an approval. So do I change insurance and start all over and lose the coverage for the cancer or do I battle out the rest and never get the surgery for the cancer? I feel like either way I am totally screwed! I have made a new discovery in which the doctors are truly concerned! As I have lost some weight...I have discovered a large lump in my left breast! I am going in this week to get a mammogram and possible MRI. They are alarmed because almost every female in my mothers family has had some type of breast cancer or tumors...I carry the mutated brac gene and have a cancer already...this puts me at a higher risk! I just pray it is not! I have not told anyone what I have found...No one at all! For it scares the shit out of me! Plus everyone is still so focused with dad and his cancer. I don't need anyone to worry for me.
My brother who has lymphoma is not doing so well! The chemo is taking it's toll on him! He has had a total of 10 treatments already and the cancer isn't responding as they would like. He will take a 3week break starting this week to recoup from the last dose and then go in for his first radiation treatment! I don't even want to imagine this!!! I was speaking to my father about the treatment for his and he told me that if they needed to do another surgery that he would not!!!! He said this is it for him...so please pray with me that they took it all out!
My diet....well another story all together!
I have slipped on my diet and ate just about anything I have wanted these last two weeks. I have paid for it too! Gaining five pounds back! Ughhh! So mad at myself. But I feel the depression trying to creep back in. I ill not let it come in again! I will continue to fight until I cannot! Not being optimistic about my surgery has lead me off the path. So I decided that with or without the surgery I will do this the hard way! I have taken off 103lbs by myself...so I think , I KNOW, I can do this! I have gone back to reading labels ..portion control...lots of water...more exercise than intake....and snacking healthy! I am really gonna push myself these next couple of weeks! I need to get back to where I was before...
Being physically drained and then tested beyond your imagination is hard to do! Then having to try to be mom to my nephew who is spoiled beyond means...even harder! I ask what the hell did my parents do to this kid to make him the way he is now? When he came to live with me he was 2months old. He left hen he was 13months to live with my parents because I became unable to care for him physically! I was hemorrhaging alot. Not able to carry him...his mom came back when he was 14months and left him again at 2 yrs. old. No at 2 1/2 O.M.G! Is all I have to say...I love the kid but can not wait for him to go back home!
Well I hope my next blog I have better news to give and more pounds shed....right now not feeling very hopeful...but I BELIEVE! That is all that matters!