WELCOME BACK!!! That is what I am telling myself! I came in from the doctors earlier and found myself with nothing to do so since I have been neglecting my blog and so many keep asking me if I will continue it I am back. It feels good to go thru and re-read all those entries. It feels like weight lifted off my shoulders! So much has happened to me since the last time I made an entry. My husband is back home with me. Helping me out with my son and household duties. We seem to have a small sense of normality at home now. (Not between he and I, but just in daily life generally speaking.)Things between he and I are civil for the most part. I can't complain but they are not what a true marriage is. We are not completely together if you know what I am referring to...
My illness is taking it's toll on me. I visit the doctor almost weekly now. My thyroids have quit and my liver is acting up. I am now on synthetic thyroid hormones and it is causing my bp to raise and my heart to race at time. The liver isn't great because of the meds I am taking. However with saying the negative let me get to my ray of sunshine...I am a week away from having gastric bypass surgery done. I go in Friday (this Friday) for an E.G.D. to make sure there is no abnormalities in the throat or stomach. Then surgery....I am excited, scared, anxious, and just down right ready to scream from emotion! It is like waiting for Christmas to come but knowing your not getting anything, just losing a part of you, you so desperately tried to get rid of so many times before. For six months now I didn't grasp the full meaning of this surgery. I thought "I'll have it lose the weight effortlessly and be beautiful afterwards." Then I went to a support group and saw first hand the true sense of what the surgery is really about. Yes it is about the weight but it is also so much more. It is facing all the demons we as obese people carry. The emotions of eating, the depression of failure, the sadness of losing people close to us. It has so many faces, so many disguises! My weight problem stemmed from a young troubled adolescent. It ballooned as a desperate single mother. It will now be defeated as an aware healthy woman! I can honestly sit here and tell myself this. I have lost 90lbs since December. To some that is slow progress. To me it is progress! That is a whole anorexic person. Imagine that?
I honestly think that controlling my emotions is the key to winning my battle. To help me do this I go to a psych. She helps me to analyze things in an order I never saw them. I never in a million years think I would be seeing one but here I am. My emotional problem is bigger than I am. I need to face it head on or all of these tools given to me...the surgery, the counseling, the dieting, the workouts...all of this will be for nothing. It will all come back. That is part of the reason I allowed my husband to move back in. I must face all of my problems with him! For they are the majority of things that keep me where I am at today. I do not wish to be that 481lb woman people keep laughing at. Children stare at, men honking too and make cow noises. No! No more! I am a 400lb woman moving into a new phase in my life, a healthier one, a saner one! So welcome back Rebeca! This feels really good to talk to again! You will definitely see more coming as I work thru the issues and lose more weight.
My current plan is a 1800 cal diet daily consisting of 30grams of protein daily and over 1/2 of rest veggie intake! I am cutting most of the carbs except w/ complex carbs like Sweet potatoes and other veggies or whole grains that actually have purpose in my body. My rule is if I eat it, it must have something of nutrients, or function to my diet. What does the food I put into my body do for my body? Makes you think about why we eat what we eat! Also I take a 30-45 walk on my new treadmill. Do shimmy, and every other day an oldie but goodies..."Sweating to the oldies!" My all time fave workout dvds! If you mix it up you will not be bored and are more inclined to keep on the journey we are on. If you do the same thing day in and day out...you are more likely to fail yourself w/ no motivation! Come on put those shoes on and hit the ground! I know I am!
P.S. To Maureen....Thank you! You made me remember just why I started writing this in the first place! Know I am here for you always!