Hello! It's been a couple days since I have blogged. I really need to become inspired to write again. I have been having trouble keeping with the diet this week. It all started very well but ended with cake and pizza! With the weigh-in less than a few days away I feel like I let myself down. Mom's birthday was on Saturday and we bought her one of those really delish cakes /the fruit and whipped toppings. I just couldn't resist! Knowing that my surgery is less than 1 1/2 month away...and knowing that I will never be able to eat that kind of cake again...I indulged myself! Now I am truly regretting it!
Then today...my son made me mad! We were suppose to meet my family at the beach for fun in the sun, but instead he threw himself a tantrum and refused to go. Then my ex came over and it was all she wrote....
My day was ruined! Didn't do the workout, didn't follow the diet and then they brought back pizza. Since I just felt like giving up...I ate the pizza. 3 slices!!!!
Now I want to cry. I feel the heaviness of the food. It is a strange thing to explain but when you eat unhealthy you actually feel the heaviness of the food. I had never felt that before. I am glad I did though. Had I not I might have been inclined to eat more pizza.
When "he" left I went to my room and my son came in to apologize to me for his behavior. It still didn't change the fact that for one little tantrum my whole day was thrown for a loop.
I need to learn still to control my emotions better. Still not possessing all the tools necessary to get to the end of the road, I hit a speed bump every now and again. I think we all do. After all I am only human. I was reminded about many things today.
1. Not to beat myself up for something I did. (my psych doc told me we will all fall back from time to time. It is the ability to stop yourself and the ability to recognize you have committed an error that separates us.) The healthy learning, from the obese person inside us. I was rewatching a Ruby episode today. The one where her therapist told her to change 5 things. Well I realized when she spoke of mirrors, it made me think hard. I have the same problem many others do. I don't see myself all that fat. Only when my clothes are off and I am bathing or changing do I truly recognize how enormous I am.
It is a strange complex I suppose but I want to change this image I have of myself.
When my christian friend sat me in front of the mirror all those years ago, when my marriage was on it's last leg, I still didn't see how large I truly was. It took a family photo and a long full mirror in the bathroom to make me see how i truly was. I still hide that photo till this day. I can not bare to look at it. I feel so enormous!
I am trying to bring myself to take it out and place it on the fridge. Then when I go to get something out to eat I will be conscientious about what I eat. I'm not quite to that point yet.
You know it is funny how I can sit here and type in my life history to you. However I can not hang up 1 little photo for fear of what people would say if they saw it. Talk about weird!!!!
Let's just hope that this week is better for me. I am going to bed! Dreaming of a healthier day!