Hello! It's been a couple days since I have blogged. I really need to become inspired to write again. I have been having trouble keeping with the diet this week. It all started very well but ended with cake and pizza! With the weigh-in less than a few days away I feel like I let myself down. Mom's birthday was on Saturday and we bought her one of those really delish cakes /the fruit and whipped toppings. I just couldn't resist! Knowing that my surgery is less than 1 1/2 month away...and knowing that I will never be able to eat that kind of cake again...I indulged myself! Now I am truly regretting it!
Then today...my son made me mad! We were suppose to meet my family at the beach for fun in the sun, but instead he threw himself a tantrum and refused to go. Then my ex came over and it was all she wrote....
My day was ruined! Didn't do the workout, didn't follow the diet and then they brought back pizza. Since I just felt like giving up...I ate the pizza. 3 slices!!!!
Now I want to cry. I feel the heaviness of the food. It is a strange thing to explain but when you eat unhealthy you actually feel the heaviness of the food. I had never felt that before. I am glad I did though. Had I not I might have been inclined to eat more pizza.
When "he" left I went to my room and my son came in to apologize to me for his behavior. It still didn't change the fact that for one little tantrum my whole day was thrown for a loop.
I need to learn still to control my emotions better. Still not possessing all the tools necessary to get to the end of the road, I hit a speed bump every now and again. I think we all do. After all I am only human. I was reminded about many things today.
1. Not to beat myself up for something I did. (my psych doc told me we will all fall back from time to time. It is the ability to stop yourself and the ability to recognize you have committed an error that separates us.) The healthy learning, from the obese person inside us. I was rewatching a Ruby episode today. The one where her therapist told her to change 5 things. Well I realized when she spoke of mirrors, it made me think hard. I have the same problem many others do. I don't see myself all that fat. Only when my clothes are off and I am bathing or changing do I truly recognize how enormous I am.
It is a strange complex I suppose but I want to change this image I have of myself.
When my christian friend sat me in front of the mirror all those years ago, when my marriage was on it's last leg, I still didn't see how large I truly was. It took a family photo and a long full mirror in the bathroom to make me see how i truly was. I still hide that photo till this day. I can not bare to look at it. I feel so enormous!
I am trying to bring myself to take it out and place it on the fridge. Then when I go to get something out to eat I will be conscientious about what I eat. I'm not quite to that point yet.
You know it is funny how I can sit here and type in my life history to you. However I can not hang up 1 little photo for fear of what people would say if they saw it. Talk about weird!!!!
Let's just hope that this week is better for me. I am going to bed! Dreaming of a healthier day!

I was rereading my blog today and started laughing! I made my husband seem so sinister! If you knew the man you know that I think I was speaking with anger. Which still comes up from time to time! I forgot to tell everyone when I found out I was ill we had our divorced reversed and he offered me his insurance coverage. We still live separately, see each other almost daily, and get along very well---as long as we do not live together. So no the man isn't just all bad! People ask me am I married....in the technical sense yes, but in the "real sense" NO! We have been married legally for 10 yrs. going on 11! So not all bad comes from this man. I could tell you that not all those years were bad but, there were more bad than good. So if my "husband" is reading this too I am sorry for portraying you as the bad person. It works both ways. I gave up on our marriage the same way you cheated on me. So I think we are the same.
In saying that I want to say "WELCOME TO A NEW DAY!"
My life has been renewed and refreshed by this journey. Someone ask me today what my secret to weight loss was. I told them a few thing that I felt to be important.
1. Taking baby steps in your journey. Don't be in a rush to get to be a healthier you. If you do you probably will regain your weight for not having gotten the "full" journey and life change.
2. It isn't a diet. It is a life style change! I can not stress that enough. I am not on any diet. I am changing the way I eat and the way I shop, the way I prepare my food.
3.Get up and move! You must be active! If not you will not tone or tighten your body. Lean muscle mass burns more calories that fat does. So as long as you incorporate some strength training into your workouts you will keep burning calories all day long.
I have been on this journey for a total of almost 8 months. Having lost a grand total of 81 pounds. That is like 9-10lbs a month. My doctor tells me that a realistic goal of 5lbs a month is a healthy weight loss goal. Dropping large amounts of weight rapidly can be damaging to you organs as well as the body. I would be happy just losing a pound! As long as I know it will never return!
I have learned alot from alot of different sources. Some doctors, other trained professionals, some fellow journey seekers (as myself.) Knowledge is a large pool! I lucky enough to be able to swim in it!
I am going to try to keep up daily again and post some quick tips and notes for those who keep asking me. Again, I am not a professional by any sense but I am learning and feel really good about the road I am on. Confidence is the key to everything! If you have no confidence in yourself then you will fail yourself over and over again. Believe you can! You will achieve! Thank you to everyone for the words of encouragement! Those are the fuel to my soul and the drive that I need to keep me going when I feel like I just can't go anymore! Till tomorrow....keep smiling, you are beautiful, and keep moving forward!!!

O.M.G. That's how I need to start this blog!
Why does everyone in my life who read this blog yesterday have an opinion! Look people plain and simple I need to say something before I blog today. This part of my life is OVER. I am not on jerry springer or maury povich show. I am simply writing this to remind myself why I ate the way I did. Why I was so heavy and how not to repeat my mistake! You all can take it as you want! You didn't live my fucking life! You didn't have any part except the side lines. I lived the horror and embarrassment! Not you! So no it isn't too personal to write my life in a blog. Maybe just maybe someone else can learn from my dumb mistake and not repeat it! So if you like it, fine! If you don't, then don't read! Just that simple! This is for me not you!
Now that that part is over I can get back to my horrific truth! My marriage ended! He left me for her and I was at my heaviest point in life! My friend stuck by my side! Thru the thick and the thin! I actually fell in love this person. However being the trauma I suffered I shy out of making a move on this wonderful man! He is now engaged to be married to a very beautiful person! So I am happy for him! I think I was in love with what he was and not who he was. He showed me that I counted even though I thought I didn't. He was a true friend in every sense!
Then two years ago at work weighing 481lbs. bearly able to perform my job, I began to hemorrhage. I was rushed to the E.R. and admitted to the hospital. After two days of testing a doctor came in and started to ask me some very personal questions. About sex, about my menses, about my having children and then without warning came the bomb! He told me they had found cancer in my cervix and uterus. That I needed a specialist A.S.A.P! They stabilized my bleeding and sent me home! The next few days I spent in a deep depression! Pity for myself in disbelief! Finally in my next hemorrhaging episode(which was only in 3 days laters) I decided to seek help! Went to look for a doctor at one of the best cancer centers in the U.S. M.D.Anderson!
Their I felt discriminated on because of my weight! I know I wasn't, that they are just doing their job but it has been two years and all they are doing is managing the cancer not treating it. I was told by my oncologist that the benefits of surgery were not optimal for me at this weight. That and the other health issues I have prevent me from getting the much needed hysterectomy. So now I am on a journey to losing this weight for good! My life depends on it!
The husband...well he comes to visit me from time to time to see his son and we get along! It will never be the same for me! I view people differently because of him. I know it isn't fair to everyone, but I have trust issues! Even with family!
Which should not be!
My story was vaguely outlined...I just told you about the things I can talk about for now. There is soooo much more! Stuff that I still can't face! That I am working thru...progress...a word that best describes me today...progress! I have a long way to go and such a short time to get there! If you met me on the street you would have never known any of this to happen. You'd see a "seemly happy fat person." I am not happy!!!! I haven't been since I was 29! Now at 37 that seems like a far away time ago. However long ago the wounds are still present! I am working thru it now, not eat thru it! That is the big difference now! Food no longer is a comfort to me. I see it as a drug. I am mindful and selective of what I put into my mouth!
Please excuse the beginning of my blog today! I have some very stiff critics out here. Some related, others just close to me. But they need to know that I will not let my past cripple my present! NOR AM I EMBARRASSED OF THE LIFE JOURNEY I HAVE FACED THUS FAR. Look at what I have been thru and still I have survived! I will continue to do so!

Hello again my son is in bed and I am sleepless so I will continue with telling you my life story...
I left off at when I left my husband...I packed my son's bags and after school we left. I had no money, no gas, and no where to go. My parents home was the only refuge I had. That wasn't so convenient for either me or my son. It would be the first place he would find us. I had no choice! I could not force my son to be homeless just because of my husband. So I swallowed my pride and took refuge at my parents home. This lasted all but two days. (You have to realize, this wasn't the first time he cheated or the second there were other times which I dare not share with you,for they are far too personal.) Having enough bullshit from him and having to hear the lectures daily from my parents why I had left was more than I could bear. My parents were not supportive of the separation however brief it was. The following day he showed up to my parents home. Picked up my 4yr old son and drove home. I had no choice but to go back or lose my son. So I went back. He begged and plead his case to me saying he was sorry and it would never happen again, but I knew it would. I just went along with his charade as long as I could get so money together to be gone.
After this I could not be sexually active with my husband. I just repeated the image I walked into over and over in my head and I could not bring myself to be with this man. Our relationship was very strained after this. We lived tiptoeing around each other for another two months. Hardly speaking to each other and sleeping in separate rooms. (I slept with my son.) Until Sept. of that year. Then something tragic happened. My baby brother passed away. I was forced to make all of the funeral arrangements for him and notify all of our family. My parents could not function! They were in a state of shock. So I being the eldest stepped up and did everything a parent would. The whole time I begged my husband to help me. He would not! I was alone! All alone! With no one to cry with, to lean on for support, for stability when all seemed to break down for me. I gave the eulogy at my brothers funeral and helped my parents thru it all. While he sat back and watch me drown in sorrow. That was the last of it! I was alone and he was off with his lover. So I gathered what little money I had saved, withdrew my child from school, and hid for two weeks in a hotel away from everyone! I had everyone searching for me. Calling my cell phone. I never answered. My son and I were finally free! I was free!
At this time in my life I weighed 435lbs! I didn't care anymore what anyone thought of me! Of what I had turned into! I just wanted to be left alone.
When the money ran out I went home to my parents house. I spoke to my parents and really explained what had been happening to me all those years. They took me in and forbade him to come see me. We remained separate for another year. I allowed him to visit his son while I worked and went on with my life as usual. I dropped 35lbs in two months. I don't know if it was that I could not eat what I wanted,or actually working that help me get my mind off the food. I befriended a very nice christian man who taught me that there was still good men out there! No I did not cheat on my husband....As strange as it may seem to many people we were very good friends! Best friends I would say. This man actually sat me in front of a mirror and told me to look at myself. I did and all I could see was the fat unhappy wife of a cheater! A mother to an unhappy boy who missed his dad and a failed daughter. I started my life in a broken home. Now having passed that to my son was more than I wanted him to ever experience! My mother abandoned me and my brother when we were young (I was 3and my brother was less than a yr.) That my friends is another story entirely different! There is a history which would take me years to write about.
So after having talked to my friend he ask me "what did I want for me and my son in life?" I responded to be and live in a normal happy family. He urge me to talk to my husband and we decided to go to counseling. My husband is an alcoholic. He has been all his life. When he sobered up for two years it was like having a new husband. We decided to move in together again and go for another round. Things went well for about another year and a half. Then the old dog came out again! How could I have been so dumb! Once a dog always a dog! This time he asked me for the divorce. Turns out he was seeing the old neighbor all these years and she finally got rid of the husband so she wanted mine. I said ok! That is when the papers were signed! At this point in my life I felt my whole world crumbling before me. After 10years of struggling with this man it had finally come to an end. All I could do was cry! And of course eat! I gained so much weight after this I ballooned up to 481lbs. I had so badly wanted to make things work out between us for my son's sake. I didn't want him to go thru life like did.
I vowed to never marry again! I will never do so! At 37 years old and so frustrated with relationships you choose to have only one love in your life! My son! The husband moved on and moved in with the elderly neighbor. I moved out with my son into an apartment. Continued to work for another 2years until I got sick. That my friends is another part of my life that has me tangled in a web! I will go into that tomorrow! I am going to bed now. So for all you ladies who struggle like I did, know that there is a rainbow to that dark cloud you have hanging above your head right now.

I don't know if digging all that hurt was such a good idea now. I cried myself to sleep remembering all that happened back then. I woke up with a new attitude this morning. I will not allow my past to cripple my present.
Getting back to my story...my life...that year I met what was to be my husband.
We dated a short time only 2months. I felt a connection with him that I had never felt in the past. I was just wanting to be loved. Here was this nice, sweet, and gentle man wanting to love me. One thing led to another and after only 3 months of knowing each other decided to marry. Yes that quick! I could not believe it either. There was something about my husband that just captured me. I could never quite describe what it was. Our marriage started out blissful! Then without trying and without wanting at the age of 28 I became pregnant again. Reluctant to tell him for fear. At my 3rd month of pregnancy I finally told him and he was happy! Everything was well! Life at that time seemed like a dream..too good to be true. Then again at my 5 month of pregnancy came the complications. The same as before, only this time I was completely bed ridden. Only allowed to get up to go to the restroom or shower. I ballooned another 75lbs. By the end of my pregnancy I weighed a hooping 400lbs. 400lbs people! My son was born two weeks early and weighed only 7lb 7oz. The rest was all me. As I gained my mobility back, and now a new breastfeeding mother I lost about 30lbs. Still unhappy with my size I began to really dig in and diet. I only lost another 15lbs. 15lbs! It discouraged me beyond belief! I could bear no more! Was I doomed to be this heavy all my life. Then right after my son had his first birthday, I found out my husband was having an affair with one of my neighbors. Right in front of me. He always had a valid reason to be at her house. Her husband locked in jail she didn't care if my husband was married. They both enjoyed themselves! When I found out I fell into a depression again! Began to eat mindlessly. Stayed up all hours of the night waiting for him to come home from "work." Until I finally confronted him. She had the audacity to come to my house to fight for him. Arguing that she too was carrying a child of his. I had enough. I made him choose...
Was it her or me? He stayed with me. It was never the same for us. Looking back I realize I should have let him go then.
We moved from that area into another and got an apartment. Life got better for us at home. Repairing the relationship was harder for me than him. Once trust isn't there it is hard to be with a person. I gained back the 30lbs I lost after I had my son. I maintained this weight for another year. Then on my 30th birthday we moved again. This time to the other side of town. He had a new job and a new post. Making better money and we were doing great financially. When we moved, we moved next door to an old friend of ours. The family we had known since my son was born. My husbands old friends. Nice family,with two girls. My husband pressured me too have another child this year. We tried, and tried until I could not any more! I don't think anyone ever complained of having too much sex, but for me it was way too much! I didn't have the drive to try any more. Going to a doctor he told me it was all mental block. That I was perfectly capable of having another child. Even as obese as I was. Boy was he wrong!
We lived at this location for a time of 4yrs. The final year I lived here was the worst time I have had in my life thus far. It started in August of that year. I befriended an elder lady in her 50's(a neighbor) whose husband had been deported. She was bearly making ends meet. I kind of adopted her as part of our family. She would come have dinner everyday. I would let her babysit my child when I was in school. I trusted her whole heartedly! Being that she was an elderly person, she looked good for her years. We became close. Then the unspeakable occurred. While taking my child to school one day, I forgot to bring the cupcakes for his party. I dropped him off and headed back to the house to pick the cupcakes. When I turned on our street, I noticed my husband's truck in the drive so I parked on the side of the road. I had a sinking feeling in my gut. I just knew something was not right. So I quietly made my way to my house. Open the back door and walk into the living room. There I find my husband half naked and my 50yr old neighbor completely naked on my sofa having sex. She hit him to get his attention, and pulled the covers. His reaction was funny as hell! He got off her and ran into the other room. Why? I just saw them both naked. I just stood there looking at her with the blanket pulled up staring at me. I was in a state of shock. I moved to where her clothes laid and lifted them and walked to the front door. Opened it and threw them out! Walked to the kitchen and got a butcher knife... walked back over to where she still sat on the sofa and told her she had 2seconds to leave my house or I was not responsible for what was gonna happen next. She got up and left naked from my house. Running out the door and crossing the street trying to put on her clothing. My husband came out of the bathroom which he had hid into and I still had the knife in my hand. He looked at me and didn't say a word just walked right past me and out the door. He returned to work. This was just too much for me to bear. I got my son's cupcakes and returned to school to leave them. Went home and packed a bag for me and my son. After school let out I left my husband.
I want to stop here for now. I will pick up again tomorrow. This is just the beginning of a bad year. It gets worse! So until tomorrow count our many blessing we have now! Pray for those who have hurt you! For their remorse, and lives! May they turn the tide and learn from their errors.

I was reading back to some of my older blogs and realize it has been sometime now since I have logged on. I have been neglecting myself in that aspect of my life. I find that writing this blog help me create a more sane environment for myself and helps me to get away from the kitchen and the mindless eating.
So today I wanted to go back to the time in my life when all seem to fall apart! I was 22yrs. old. Between 22-30 is when I really gained the most weight in my life. When I as 22 I lived to party. Being from a very strict household,I wanted to enjoy my new found freedom. I would go clubbing Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I would spend most of Monday sleeping. Tuesday was for getting my apartment ready for the weekend, and last but not least Wednesday's were for restocking the booze. Making sure we wouldn't run out. When I say we, I mean me and two of my close girlfriends. I was the biggest of the three but partied the hardest. The other two actually went to school and worked and did the party thing as a pass time. Mine was a way of life.
I enjoyed the attention from male company! I was beautiful before I gained all the weight. Or so I thought. No looking back it just seems like a blur of a bad dream which never should of happened. Days blurred together, weeks passed without notice, and even months seem to come and go so fast for me. Having fun and living a fast life was what I deemed important in that time period. I left a very successful job in my local school district for this way of life. Found a boring job, one that would accommodate my parting schedule. Life was peachy keen! Or so I thought!
As 22 passed, 23 blurred by 24....
I noticed I was now a whopping 250lbs! Not getting that much male attention anymore. Even in the club scene, friends were now moving on to the better figured women. Then I met this guy in the spring of that yr. My relationship with this person seemed to calm me down. I was in love, or so I thought! Again going back to a successful job. Doing the relationship thing and even visiting the family now from time and time.
The following year was roses for me! In love... new boyfriend...just moving in together...I even lost 35lbs that year. Then the bubble burst! I had just turned 25now. It was Feb....I found out I was pregnant! Me PREGNANT! I was so happy! I thought my boyfriend was going to be tickled about the news! When in fact just the opposite happened! He was pissed! He did not want to be tied down to me. He yelled at me and packed his things that same day and left. Left me 2months pregnant! I was still happy! I continued to work and took care of myself. The first 3 months went smooth. Then at the 4th month check up I ran into a bump in the road. By then the boyfriend decided to come back. It was never the same after that. Our relationship was strained and we constantly argued. At 41/2 months I was made to stay off my feet for two weeks. I was having contractions and dilating already. Then one day after I had gone back to work...I went home as normal. Did the normal evening routine...Took the evening shower and laid down to go to bed.
That night at 2am I began to feel wet. As I get up to go to the bathroom thinking I had had a accident I look down to my feet to see a pool of blood. I screamed and the boyfriend ask what the hell as wrong with me. I call him to come in and he told me to clean myself up and go lay down. "GO LAY DOWN!"
As I get my shoes on, go downstairs, get into my car, and drive myself to the E.R.
Hearing the doctor tell me that I had lost my baby at 5months...lost...that all I heard...that how I felt! As I go home after spending a night at the hospital. I become angry! Climbing the stairs and seeing the dried pool of blood trailing down to where my car was parked. I was in tears! Uncontrollable tears!! Even now it still hurts me to remember that day! I go to my bathroom and see blood! I see the blood on the sheets and the carpet! I look over to my side of the bed where I set up the bassinet....a pool of dried blood next to it. I wanted to die! I actually wished I had died that day! Did feel like that for many years after.
Needless to say the boyfriend was gone forever. I weighed 245lbs at this time. After that I was lost! Threw myself into my job my employees! I went back to drinking and mindless eating patterns. By the end of that year I weighed 300lbs. Then next year I found it hard to do much of nothing. In a deep depression and eating was my only comfort, other than my job I had no life. My friends and coworkers tried to come and clean out all the baby belongings but I wouldn't have it! I could not even stand to see a pregnant lady! It made me mad! Wish it was me...
Then the year of my 27th birthday my little sister decided to come move out with me. Feeling the same entrapment I had felt those many years ago I had agreed to let her stay til she got on her feet! It wasn't an easy year for me. I had ran into the aunt of my old boyfriend and she reopened the wound by telling me all of his truth. I found out the reason he didn't want children with me was because he had children of his own already. He was a Mexican national only wanting to wed for immigration purposes. Which enraged me even more! I spent a total of 4years with this person and knew absolutely nothing except what he wanted me to know.
That year wasn't all that bad for me. By now I was 325lbs. This is the year I met what was to become my husband. I went to drop off my sister at a friends house and that is when I met him. That my friend is an entirely other story.
I am going to stop here for now and pick up tomorrow. Just reading over this has brought back so many memories for me. Feelings that I thought had gone....still surface. It is so hard to lose a child! Whether or not you have felt his/her movement or actually held them in your arms. My prayer tonight is for all those who have suffered this tragedy!...
"Dear Heavenly Father, my prayer tonight for you Lord is to help heal the hearts of all those mothers who have lost a child. Lord help heal their hearts, mind, and souls! Let them accept your will however painful it may be. Lord my prayer also includes a little plea to all those mothers who have children...cherish them! They are Your greatest gift to us! Help give them compassion and enlighten their spirits to understand that children are here to love! In your name all is possible! For this I pray...Amen"

Hello again!
I have neglected my blog for some time now because of family problems. I found out my brother had stage 2 lymphoma and my father has been in and out of the er. The last week. They can not find out what is wrong with him. Some say sludge in gallbladder, the other say it's liver, and another say intestinal problems. So we don't know. He says someone cast a spell on him! (jokingly of course) None the less my life has been torn upside down. I had a weigh-in since the last time I blogged and I only lost seven pounds. Bringing the grand total to 74lbs gone forever! ;D Good for me.
Somehow it doesn't seem enough. I need a total of 7 more pounds to reach my personal goal! I hope to achieve that this month! I go to the doctor tomorrow for a pre-surgery consult. I have to schedule an exam called an e.g.g. It is only a scope ran thru my throat. To check for any obstructions. Then next month go in for my white light scan. I don't look forward in doing that. Being naked in public whether or not they can see me just isn't my fortay!
My physical activities have came to a halt these last couple of weeks. Going to and from the doctors with my brother and then my father was just too much for me.
I would come home late and tired. So I didn't attend the water aerobics class or the shimmy class. I have been on the go. Now that I can finally breathe again think I'll go tomorrow back to the water aerobics class. I actually miss it! It would wind me down for the night. As strange as that may sound.
Then if matters didn't seem bad I lost a good friend of mine named Dottie. She was in a small group my other friend Karen started. (To help each other out on our bad days and give each other recipe ideas. Lots of other stuff.) I miss her! I used to chat with her every morning or so and she and I understood each other on so many levels. We were both the same size. Now she is an angel in heaven. She died from a clot.I suppose a coronary embolism. Not sure?
I started drinking cokes again. Very bad habit. It came back when I was super thirsty and had nothing to drink except my moms root beer. Well one thing led to another and no I am finding myself drinking at least one everyday again. Got to kick the habit AGAIN! So I started today....no cokes or carbonated beverages at all! Good for me!
As for the food it has become second nature to me now. I've learned to shop more wisely and efficiently. Even when I am not in my comfort zone I am seeing myself making excellent meal choices. Maybe that is why despite missing the physical activity I still lost a few pounds. I am not sure if that is it but I am grateful anyways! Well it is getting very late and I am tired from all the running around.
So I think I am about to go turn in for the night! Good night friends! Hope your diet and journey are doing better than I am!!!!