I was reading back to some of my older blogs and realize it has been sometime now since I have logged on. I have been neglecting myself in that aspect of my life. I find that writing this blog help me create a more sane environment for myself and helps me to get away from the kitchen and the mindless eating.
So today I wanted to go back to the time in my life when all seem to fall apart! I was 22yrs. old. Between 22-30 is when I really gained the most weight in my life. When I as 22 I lived to party. Being from a very strict household,I wanted to enjoy my new found freedom. I would go clubbing Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I would spend most of Monday sleeping. Tuesday was for getting my apartment ready for the weekend, and last but not least Wednesday's were for restocking the booze. Making sure we wouldn't run out. When I say we, I mean me and two of my close girlfriends. I was the biggest of the three but partied the hardest. The other two actually went to school and worked and did the party thing as a pass time. Mine was a way of life.
I enjoyed the attention from male company! I was beautiful before I gained all the weight. Or so I thought. No looking back it just seems like a blur of a bad dream which never should of happened. Days blurred together, weeks passed without notice, and even months seem to come and go so fast for me. Having fun and living a fast life was what I deemed important in that time period. I left a very successful job in my local school district for this way of life. Found a boring job, one that would accommodate my parting schedule. Life was peachy keen! Or so I thought!
As 22 passed, 23 blurred by 24....
I noticed I was now a whopping 250lbs! Not getting that much male attention anymore. Even in the club scene, friends were now moving on to the better figured women. Then I met this guy in the spring of that yr. My relationship with this person seemed to calm me down. I was in love, or so I thought! Again going back to a successful job. Doing the relationship thing and even visiting the family now from time and time.
The following year was roses for me! In love... new boyfriend...just moving in together...I even lost 35lbs that year. Then the bubble burst! I had just turned 25now. It was Feb....I found out I was pregnant! Me PREGNANT! I was so happy! I thought my boyfriend was going to be tickled about the news! When in fact just the opposite happened! He was pissed! He did not want to be tied down to me. He yelled at me and packed his things that same day and left. Left me 2months pregnant! I was still happy! I continued to work and took care of myself. The first 3 months went smooth. Then at the 4th month check up I ran into a bump in the road. By then the boyfriend decided to come back. It was never the same after that. Our relationship was strained and we constantly argued. At 41/2 months I was made to stay off my feet for two weeks. I was having contractions and dilating already. Then one day after I had gone back to work...I went home as normal. Did the normal evening routine...Took the evening shower and laid down to go to bed.
That night at 2am I began to feel wet. As I get up to go to the bathroom thinking I had had a accident I look down to my feet to see a pool of blood. I screamed and the boyfriend ask what the hell as wrong with me. I call him to come in and he told me to clean myself up and go lay down. "GO LAY DOWN!"
As I get my shoes on, go downstairs, get into my car, and drive myself to the E.R.
Hearing the doctor tell me that I had lost my baby at 5months...lost...that all I heard...that how I felt! As I go home after spending a night at the hospital. I become angry! Climbing the stairs and seeing the dried pool of blood trailing down to where my car was parked. I was in tears! Uncontrollable tears!! Even now it still hurts me to remember that day! I go to my bathroom and see blood! I see the blood on the sheets and the carpet! I look over to my side of the bed where I set up the bassinet....a pool of dried blood next to it. I wanted to die! I actually wished I had died that day! Did feel like that for many years after.
Needless to say the boyfriend was gone forever. I weighed 245lbs at this time. After that I was lost! Threw myself into my job my employees! I went back to drinking and mindless eating patterns. By the end of that year I weighed 300lbs. Then next year I found it hard to do much of nothing. In a deep depression and eating was my only comfort, other than my job I had no life. My friends and coworkers tried to come and clean out all the baby belongings but I wouldn't have it! I could not even stand to see a pregnant lady! It made me mad! Wish it was me...
Then the year of my 27th birthday my little sister decided to come move out with me. Feeling the same entrapment I had felt those many years ago I had agreed to let her stay til she got on her feet! It wasn't an easy year for me. I had ran into the aunt of my old boyfriend and she reopened the wound by telling me all of his truth. I found out the reason he didn't want children with me was because he had children of his own already. He was a Mexican national only wanting to wed for immigration purposes. Which enraged me even more! I spent a total of 4years with this person and knew absolutely nothing except what he wanted me to know.
That year wasn't all that bad for me. By now I was 325lbs. This is the year I met what was to become my husband. I went to drop off my sister at a friends house and that is when I met him. That my friend is an entirely other story.
I am going to stop here for now and pick up tomorrow. Just reading over this has brought back so many memories for me. Feelings that I thought had gone....still surface. It is so hard to lose a child! Whether or not you have felt his/her movement or actually held them in your arms. My prayer tonight is for all those who have suffered this tragedy!...
"Dear Heavenly Father, my prayer tonight for you Lord is to help heal the hearts of all those mothers who have lost a child. Lord help heal their hearts, mind, and souls! Let them accept your will however painful it may be. Lord my prayer also includes a little plea to all those mothers who have children...cherish them! They are Your greatest gift to us! Help give them compassion and enlighten their spirits to understand that children are here to love! In your name all is possible! For this I pray...Amen"