I don't know if digging all that hurt was such a good idea now. I cried myself to sleep remembering all that happened back then. I woke up with a new attitude this morning. I will not allow my past to cripple my present.
Getting back to my story...my life...that year I met what was to be my husband.
We dated a short time only 2months. I felt a connection with him that I had never felt in the past. I was just wanting to be loved. Here was this nice, sweet, and gentle man wanting to love me. One thing led to another and after only 3 months of knowing each other decided to marry. Yes that quick! I could not believe it either. There was something about my husband that just captured me. I could never quite describe what it was. Our marriage started out blissful! Then without trying and without wanting at the age of 28 I became pregnant again. Reluctant to tell him for fear. At my 3rd month of pregnancy I finally told him and he was happy! Everything was well! Life at that time seemed like a dream..too good to be true. Then again at my 5 month of pregnancy came the complications. The same as before, only this time I was completely bed ridden. Only allowed to get up to go to the restroom or shower. I ballooned another 75lbs. By the end of my pregnancy I weighed a hooping 400lbs. 400lbs people! My son was born two weeks early and weighed only 7lb 7oz. The rest was all me. As I gained my mobility back, and now a new breastfeeding mother I lost about 30lbs. Still unhappy with my size I began to really dig in and diet. I only lost another 15lbs. 15lbs! It discouraged me beyond belief! I could bear no more! Was I doomed to be this heavy all my life. Then right after my son had his first birthday, I found out my husband was having an affair with one of my neighbors. Right in front of me. He always had a valid reason to be at her house. Her husband locked in jail she didn't care if my husband was married. They both enjoyed themselves! When I found out I fell into a depression again! Began to eat mindlessly. Stayed up all hours of the night waiting for him to come home from "work." Until I finally confronted him. She had the audacity to come to my house to fight for him. Arguing that she too was carrying a child of his. I had enough. I made him choose...
Was it her or me? He stayed with me. It was never the same for us. Looking back I realize I should have let him go then.
We moved from that area into another and got an apartment. Life got better for us at home. Repairing the relationship was harder for me than him. Once trust isn't there it is hard to be with a person. I gained back the 30lbs I lost after I had my son. I maintained this weight for another year. Then on my 30th birthday we moved again. This time to the other side of town. He had a new job and a new post. Making better money and we were doing great financially. When we moved, we moved next door to an old friend of ours. The family we had known since my son was born. My husbands old friends. Nice family,with two girls. My husband pressured me too have another child this year. We tried, and tried until I could not any more! I don't think anyone ever complained of having too much sex, but for me it was way too much! I didn't have the drive to try any more. Going to a doctor he told me it was all mental block. That I was perfectly capable of having another child. Even as obese as I was. Boy was he wrong!
We lived at this location for a time of 4yrs. The final year I lived here was the worst time I have had in my life thus far. It started in August of that year. I befriended an elder lady in her 50's(a neighbor) whose husband had been deported. She was bearly making ends meet. I kind of adopted her as part of our family. She would come have dinner everyday. I would let her babysit my child when I was in school. I trusted her whole heartedly! Being that she was an elderly person, she looked good for her years. We became close. Then the unspeakable occurred. While taking my child to school one day, I forgot to bring the cupcakes for his party. I dropped him off and headed back to the house to pick the cupcakes. When I turned on our street, I noticed my husband's truck in the drive so I parked on the side of the road. I had a sinking feeling in my gut. I just knew something was not right. So I quietly made my way to my house. Open the back door and walk into the living room. There I find my husband half naked and my 50yr old neighbor completely naked on my sofa having sex. She hit him to get his attention, and pulled the covers. His reaction was funny as hell! He got off her and ran into the other room. Why? I just saw them both naked. I just stood there looking at her with the blanket pulled up staring at me. I was in a state of shock. I moved to where her clothes laid and lifted them and walked to the front door. Opened it and threw them out! Walked to the kitchen and got a butcher knife... walked back over to where she still sat on the sofa and told her she had 2seconds to leave my house or I was not responsible for what was gonna happen next. She got up and left naked from my house. Running out the door and crossing the street trying to put on her clothing. My husband came out of the bathroom which he had hid into and I still had the knife in my hand. He looked at me and didn't say a word just walked right past me and out the door. He returned to work. This was just too much for me to bear. I got my son's cupcakes and returned to school to leave them. Went home and packed a bag for me and my son. After school let out I left my husband.
I want to stop here for now. I will pick up again tomorrow. This is just the beginning of a bad year. It gets worse! So until tomorrow count our many blessing we have now! Pray for those who have hurt you! For their remorse, and lives! May they turn the tide and learn from their errors.