O.M.G. That's how I need to start this blog!
Why does everyone in my life who read this blog yesterday have an opinion! Look people plain and simple I need to say something before I blog today. This part of my life is OVER. I am not on jerry springer or maury povich show. I am simply writing this to remind myself why I ate the way I did. Why I was so heavy and how not to repeat my mistake! You all can take it as you want! You didn't live my fucking life! You didn't have any part except the side lines. I lived the horror and embarrassment! Not you! So no it isn't too personal to write my life in a blog. Maybe just maybe someone else can learn from my dumb mistake and not repeat it! So if you like it, fine! If you don't, then don't read! Just that simple! This is for me not you!
Now that that part is over I can get back to my horrific truth! My marriage ended! He left me for her and I was at my heaviest point in life! My friend stuck by my side! Thru the thick and the thin! I actually fell in love this person. However being the trauma I suffered I shy out of making a move on this wonderful man! He is now engaged to be married to a very beautiful person! So I am happy for him! I think I was in love with what he was and not who he was. He showed me that I counted even though I thought I didn't. He was a true friend in every sense!
Then two years ago at work weighing 481lbs. bearly able to perform my job, I began to hemorrhage. I was rushed to the E.R. and admitted to the hospital. After two days of testing a doctor came in and started to ask me some very personal questions. About sex, about my menses, about my having children and then without warning came the bomb! He told me they had found cancer in my cervix and uterus. That I needed a specialist A.S.A.P! They stabilized my bleeding and sent me home! The next few days I spent in a deep depression! Pity for myself in disbelief! Finally in my next hemorrhaging episode(which was only in 3 days laters) I decided to seek help! Went to look for a doctor at one of the best cancer centers in the U.S. M.D.Anderson!
Their I felt discriminated on because of my weight! I know I wasn't, that they are just doing their job but it has been two years and all they are doing is managing the cancer not treating it. I was told by my oncologist that the benefits of surgery were not optimal for me at this weight. That and the other health issues I have prevent me from getting the much needed hysterectomy. So now I am on a journey to losing this weight for good! My life depends on it!
The husband...well he comes to visit me from time to time to see his son and we get along! It will never be the same for me! I view people differently because of him. I know it isn't fair to everyone, but I have trust issues! Even with family!
Which should not be!
My story was vaguely outlined...I just told you about the things I can talk about for now. There is soooo much more! Stuff that I still can't face! That I am working thru...progress...a word that best describes me today...progress! I have a long way to go and such a short time to get there! If you met me on the street you would have never known any of this to happen. You'd see a "seemly happy fat person." I am not happy!!!! I haven't been since I was 29! Now at 37 that seems like a far away time ago. However long ago the wounds are still present! I am working thru it now, not eat thru it! That is the big difference now! Food no longer is a comfort to me. I see it as a drug. I am mindful and selective of what I put into my mouth!
Please excuse the beginning of my blog today! I have some very stiff critics out here. Some related, others just close to me. But they need to know that I will not let my past cripple my present! NOR AM I EMBARRASSED OF THE LIFE JOURNEY I HAVE FACED THUS FAR. Look at what I have been thru and still I have survived! I will continue to do so!