Today I ran into an old friend of mine! I mean really old friend. I think it had been something like 15years since I have seen this person. Boy oh boy did I feel small. Being the weight that I am now and running into someone who knew me when I as thin made me feel small. I don't ever want to feel like that again. I think I had this picture in my head of what I look like to people. I fooled myself into believing that I looked ok for a fat girl. How could I think I looked ok at 481? Or even no at 416? How can anyone get so comfortable with a way of life like I live? I left seeing this person pretty beat up inside. It was wonderful to see that person after all this time but it left me in a low spot. What was I thinking I tell myself sitting in my van crying and looking in the mirror. Don't get me wrong that person was very respectful and caring as usual but I could see the expression on their face when they looked at me. Again as if to say look how big you have become. I felt the disappointment and rejection of society all over again. This time not by society's hand but my own. How could I think having a "pretty face" could make up for the enormous body I carry around day in and out? I feel emotionally drained.
You know I have some amazing friend on face book who are encouraging me. We kind of help each other out when we are having bad days, or not. Even good days with recipes, advice, or just chat. I am usually the one full of encouraging words and advice, but today all my words just ran from my mouth! I feel like I disappointed myself! I think a revelation just occurred to me! One of my friends wants to do the six day intervention counselling like they did with Ruby. I think about now that is sounding more and more appealing to me.
I allowed myself get to a point where I was going to no return. If I didn't get cancer and was made to diet, I probably would of died a short and sad little life. I say little because it wouldn't have lasted longer than a couple of more years. I thank God people, Yes thank God for giving me cancer! It was and is my wake up call!
I will never in my life be this overweight person! I will not abuse the body that God gave me! I will learn to take care of it more diligently and skillfully.
Eating is my major problem! I have the physical fitness down! Now I must learn to control the eating habits I have created for myself. Changing 37 years of bad eating habits isn't as easy as going on a diet! No in fact that isn't the answer to any of my problems! Yes it helps me shed the pounds, however I must tackle the emotional side of the monster.
Now more than ever I will do so and you can help me thru my journey if you'd like. I think it started when I was 13 years old. I had my first little boyfriend. I don't think I'd ever forget him. He was a nice boy from a nice home. My parents didn't know because I never told them. I wasn't allowed to have a boyfriend. I was raised in a strict household. My step mother to me might have well been Adolf Hitler. She was the meanest mother on this earth to me. Someone told me she treated me mean because I reminded her so much of my biological mother. I don't think that was ever the case. She later told me she was too young when she and my father wed. She never expected to be an instant mother of 2. so she really didn't know what to do with us except for what she was taught growing up. Her story is probably ten times worse than mine. She came from foster care so you can imagine. Any way, hating my mother and sneaking around school with this boy made me have issues with eating. I would sneak into the kitchen after dinner and eat whatever I could find in the fridge. I would also wake up in the middle of the night and sneak into the kitchen for a bite. That is where I started.
Where I really began to have serious problems with the weight was with my pregnancy with my son Cordell. Already overweight, then bed ridden for 4 months did not help my matter at all. I gained a total of seventy five pounds with him. Then shortly after the birth of my son I found out my husband was having an affair.
Talk about turning to food! I literally felt isolated and ugly. So the only thing that comforted me was the food. I had no one again to tell my troubles to. So I stuck it out. We moved to Channelview then. I dropped fifteen pounds when we moved. Made a new friend and learned to trust my husband again. I maintained the weight for another year then had a set back again. Again my husband cheated on me. This time with the friend I had made.It was a double betrail. It really shocked the hell out of me because I never in a million years had expect that to happen with her! She was old enough to be my mother! Still I actually walked in on them have sex. How's that for trauma? I kicked him out and stayed in my home for one more year drowning in sorrow and self pity. Packing on another fifty pounds. This happened until I met this absolute fabulous person who showed me that I counted for something! This person cared enough to pick me up and dust me off. This person stood me back on my own two feet and placed a mirror in front of me and said look at yourself! I did! I saw many things that day! I saw a broken heart, tear stained face and a frown! No happiness left and no hope for myself.
Then I really looked deeper...Then and only then did I see the beautiful full figured woman that this person could look at and smile. I was pretty and my feelings and heart did matter! But as I stood before my really long ago friend today...
I saw that frown come back. I need to remind myself that the beautiful person is still there. She is just beneath the layers that need to melt away from me. I do not want to go back to this depressed state of being and so I choose to see that beautiful person I saw five years ago in that mirror. I will work to see her more clearly everyday. I will love me no matter what I look like and who sees me! Because we are worth being loved. I know I am!
With saying all this I know I have just bearly scratched my surface and yet I have a long way to go. It is days like today that make me appreciate the journey I am on now. To see myself crying all over again because of what people thought of me I can bear no more of. I am changing who I am inside as well as out and I need to keep reminding myself that no matter what size I am, I am still me! Lovable, emotional, and full life! I am sorry about today's blog! I know that it may be personal but I need to get some of this out so I don't repeat my same mistakes.
I will write more about the issues of my husband at a later time for I know that there is the route of the problem. For now this is all I care to share. Keep on the track no matter what life throws at you!

Today was a good day for my physical activities and diet. I was under 500 cals and ate all the required foods. My knee hurt in the morning during workout time but I bit the bullet and kept going.
The more my movement comes back to me the more the knee acts up. So I am finding it inevitable that I must see the ortho doctor now. I was hoping to put it off til after surgery but I need this knee well. I ant to start a water aerobics class here at the apartment complex I live at during summertime. I know I have seen quite a few people around here that could benefit from such a class. I have spoke to the local ymca about joining efforts with me and they have agreed as long as I can get the approval of the complex manager. I don't know know how that will go but I am diving in head first! The longer I stay on this journey the more I find myself compelled to help others in the same situation I was in and still am fighting. Helping your neighbor , your friend, or even a loved one can be beneficial to both you and that person. So find like Kirstie Alley calls a chubby buddy and work out! Get moving even if it is just 5 minutes a day. By the time you know it you'll have walked a marathon! I am moved to help and be helped I hope there are more people out there like me! Motivated enough to help someone else and so forth. We can no longer be the unhealthiest generation ever! Let's fight together!

I had a long weekend! I seriously don't know how I survived!!!
I had 2 boys who were sooo hyped it was unreal. But I made it! Now on with the night and getting prepared for the week. I just finished watching the program about the worlds largest woman to undergo gastric bypass surgery. I was in tears to see that she passed after the surgery of a heart attack. After all she endured to reach where she was going her passing was untimely. The woman weighed over 900lbs. I can not imagine being that large. I almost hit 500lbs at my highest weight and then I was unable to perform basically anything. Being bed ridden would just have been to much for me to handle and yet I was so close to being there without realizing it. If you were to see the show it was just overwhelming to see someone getting that far gone and bed ridden that long. How I ask? How can someone allow themselves to reach the point they can not move? But I can not, nor dare not criticize because I was not to far from that point. Food is powerful! It plays a very powerful role in our lives. Without it we can not survive. With it you can lead a life of destruction. So where do you draw the line? That is a question I am still working on. My size comes from my addiction and eating disorder. I am learning it was not the amount of food I consumed but the timing and types of food I consumed. The saying what is eating you is ironic, because in my case it is truly the food that was eating me instead of I eat it. Food plays a comfort role in my life. Being there after heartaches and despair. Living thru the tears and the hurt. Calling me in moments of weakness and relapse. I learned my problem is "I AM AN EMOTIONAL EATER!" I did not like to admit it at first. Embarrassed and ashamed how people would perceive me and my problem I hid it. No frankly, and I do speak frankly, I could care less who knows! As long as I can own up to my addiction and learn to control my emotions and eating I know it will be a great recovery from a destructive behavior. Admitting you have the problem is the first step. Then next step is acknowledging the problem is bigger than you. The next step is knowing you need to seek help because you can not do this alone! Then and only then can you work on recovering from your addiction or eating disorder. I found all of this too close for comfort at a meeting with my psych. doctor last month. I never ever classified myself as an emotional eater. After talking with her and seeing the pattern in which I was speaking. She repeated the things I was saying I could clearly see that I had the very problem in which I consider myself from being immune to. How ironic is that? My family kept saying to me I don't know why you are so big. We never see you eat. No they didn't ever see me eat. After my marriage failed I turned to food for comfort. Not in a sense you think an obese woman would though. Gorging and just going off the deep end...No I did the opposite. I starved myself because "I wasn't thin enough." I lost about 30lbs in 3weeks. After I gave up and turned to food in yet another way I gained 75lbs! Doubling everything I got rid of. I would go to work and then come home and shower. After the shower spend time with my son. After my son then I would eat dinner which usually was about 10pm to 11pm. So I would eat then go straight to bed! No movement, no nothing! So all the calories never burned off they would just deposit themselves into the already large body I have. I killed my metabolism! Leading me to balloon to a large 481 lbs.
Now at 416lbs I feel hopeful! I feel full of energy! Ability to do more! My mobility has increased 100%. Don't get me wrong, I am nowhere near where I need to be but I know I am well on my way! This time no failure, no tears(Except those of joy) No late night dinners. No going straight to bed. No more! no more! Never again!
I refuse to be that 481lb woman watching my son grow up on the side line. I refuse to be that "pretty face" people see. I refuse to be that woman kid stare at the grocery store because of my size! I refuse to be the snide remarks the thin girls make when shopping for clothes! I refuse to stop living and stop breathing! I will not die! I will live!
I will walk! I will count calories! I will have a healthy relationship with my food. I will enjoy shopping for clothes! I will be able to walk the entire mile around the park! I will be!
When my cousin Lisa passed she embedded in me the will to not ever give in. I saw myself in her coffin. She passed this past holiday season. My age of breast cancer. I will not let my weight be the reason they can not treat my cancer. I will not be a victim to this beast cancer! Nor the beast (like Ruby calls it) weight. I will overcome and triumph! Those who have walked a mile in my shoes know how it is to struggle day by day with your weight. Those on our journey know how important it is to constantly be reminded of what we have to gain and everything we stand to lose if we do not do anything! Please people who read this if any, get those shoes on get moving. Get your menus planned. Count the calories! Burn more than you take in. You can do this! If Ruby can, if I am doing it, if many others have. Why not you? We are all alike in this aspect! So please I beg of you...let's do this together! Let's not be the 900lb person stuck in their house or bed ridden. If you are that person incapable of moving ask for help! Don't take no for an answer! Keep asking until someone hears your pleas! IT IS NEVER TOO LATE!

Just got back from the new oncologist. Funny thing he referred me back to my old one! Why do I seem to be getting the running around kind of doctors? M.D.Anderson is the best cancer facility in in the cancer business I have no doubt. However my insurance made me change doctors and this doctor just found a loophole to send me right back to here I was to begin with. How ironic is that? So I guess after raking my brains and find this new one it was a waste of my time and theirs. Any how on with the day. I weighed in again today and lost 2lbs from yesterday. I thought that was weird because I ate well yesterday and did the normal exercise. Went to bed early. I will still take it though 2lbs are 2lbs! That puts me 18lbs till I reach the weight I set for myself before my surgery! They wanted me to lose 30lbs. I've done that! I added an extra 30lbs for my personal self goal. So I am feeling pretty content with myself. Not to mention that I still have 2more months to do this in! Attainable! For me nothing isn't! I will give my all and do the best. I have decided to step it up a notch for the fitness part. I have comcast and get fit TV and they have some pretty good programs on their to help work you out. So I have decided that since my doctors appointments will soon slow down, I will commit myself to doing at least 1 program, every other day! Between that and the water aerobics and the walking should see the pounds roll off before surgery.
Every time I talk about my surgery I feel nervous and anxious. Nervous that all turn out well. Anxious to get things moving! I want this part of my life to be over with! People who know me well ask me ho I feel about the surgery now that it is nearing. I reply saying I feel good about my decision to go thru with it. Then there are those who think I am solely doing it for cosmetic reasons and should not do it. To them I say" Trying putting on a body suit with the amount of weight I carry everyday tied to it. Go about your daily activities for one day...and see how it feels to be me and then tell me I am doing it for cosmetic reasons!" No baby, I am not doing this to look sexy or be beautiful! I have always had my own sex appeal. I have always been beautiful! Now I want to be healthy! Nothing more and nothing less.
I have a relative who when I see her is obese as well, not as much as I am but she is up there too. She tells me I am cheating. Doing this the easy way...Let me say this!!
There is no easy way! Your way or mine, it is still a life long struggle and journey!
No matter how we get to where we need to be it is all relative! We are on the same journey! We are both going to be make life changing lifestyles and eating habits. So no I am not cheating. If you walk in my shoes and know that I do not have the time or luxury of doing this like you call"the right way" you would understand me better!
Well I need to get going to get the boys! So until next blog put on your shoes, lace them up and getting moving! Don't stay glued to your chair or computer!}:)

Got back from the doc and already had dinner resting from the day and reflecting. I lost another 3 lbs. As I look at the numbers they are starting to mean something. Shrinking back the numbers and see the waist starting to form again. My cheeks bones are starting to show again! Not just the fat chipmunk cheeks I had. The multiple necks are dissipating. The overall feeling increase to satisfaction, content! I still have a long way to go and know that the battle still rages on. But the I feel of joy not sorrow in my daily activities. I use to just want to sleep and pass the day sitting doing absolutely nothing! Now I am full of desire to participate and become engaged in all the activities that surround me! If I am capable physically to perform the task then I jump into it wholeheartedly without hesitation. If I find the task to be difficult I still jump into it but....I do it with precaution and care. None the less at the end of the day I am pooped and ready to fall into bed!
The amazing thing is that I still wake up with energy! That never happened before.
I find this new life I am starting to live invigorating and fun!
Well all I really need to do now is really work on the food aspect of my life. I want to learn to have a healthy relationship with my food. Not just gorge or feed myself. It is kind of funny I say that because it reminds me of what my dietitian said to me once....You have to see your relationship with food as a love affair. However bizarre it may sound it is true. If you live to eat it is like you live only in seclusion with your food not sharing yourself to the rest of the world. Being alone with just your food can be unhealthy for you. You become obsessive and possessive....(just like in a unhealthy relationship.) Hoever if your cheat on your food, become the dirty lil mistress and share your self only some of the time you can learn when enough is enough. (she referred this to a married man and many women.) Does just belong to one and not obsessing on just the food. Isolation in any environment can be just as damaging to your diet a a solid love affair with it too. If you do not get out see people and talk to others you lose your self perception and do not realize how large you have become. Out in the public we are constantly criticized for our large nature and round forms. In solitude we develop a mental picture of ourselves and say we still look ok. When in reality e do not! Come on people be the dirty mistress to your food! Don't dwell and cheat on it! Go have a love affair with physical activity and fun! I know I am enjoying my love affair!:)

Getting ready to head out the door to go see the cardiologist. Hope it is good news. I get closer and closer to my surgery date and feel the nerves just building! It feels like a coke hen you shake it up ready to explode! That's how I feel inside!I am ready for a major change in life and health! I hate being home! Stuck doing the same mundane things day in and day! I am a people person and miss working in the public! Don't get me wrong I am not complaining about my life...just the same activities I repeat! I don't take none of them for granted. As for I use to not be able to do most of them. Now I can! So gratitude is a very large part of my life now.
A very close friend of mine became involved with someone recently. It sparked this person to make changes in their lives as well, but my question is this?
Why must you wait till that significant other comes along to make a change? Why not do it for yourself? The reward for this would be greater don't you think?
I personally am on a selfish journey to a healthier me! It is for me! So I may live longer, perform as a citizen better, and be a better mother to my child. My child is a funny little man! He just celebrated his 9th birthday on this past Saturday and he had fun. The thing that makes me laugh is now that he is 9, he thinks he is too cool for public affection from me. It never bothered him before...why now? Boys...Who understands them. I love even more than when I first held him! Looking at him is inspiration enough for me to battle out all this and triumph at the end!
I found a website that can help people with suggestions to a healthy diet and lifestyle. It is called Spark people. If you go under google and type on calorie counters it should pop up. It has fitness suggestions, meal suggestions and even helps you track your caloric intake to caloric burn. I found it to be a help lil tool. Maybe someone else would like to go on and try it or not whatever works for you.
I missed 2 classes of swimming (aerobics) and missed a day of walking last week. This week I am doing very well thus far! Can't wait till summer vacation starts for my son! We will get to be out and about more often. I know this will help me to burn more calories and get in more fitness. So with that I must say till later I am off to the doctors to see how my progress is coming. Tell you later...

Today I am physically drained!
I am having a very bad day physically. I have done so much today and now I am super tired. I forget that my illness drain me. I want to do so much more than I can. I am getting my mobility back now more than ever and able to do things normal people take for granted with great pride and joy. The downfall is that I am tired at the end of the day just falling into the bed! My knees become more and more in pain but I struggle thru it anyway knowing the end will justify the pain.
My food has been super today. I had my proteins shake for breakfast and a lean cuisine for lunch and a salad and chicken for dinner. Snacks included jello and pineapple chunks. So I think I did well. I see pictures of myself and see some progression to them. It makes me happy to see that I am getting my neckline and cheek structure back!:) Haven't seen them a years!:) So everything is well. I spoke with my brother yesterday and got good news about his cancer. They have caught it early and can remove it. It has not gone into his bone marrow. which is wonderful! Well running short on time and lots to say so I will blog early in the morning. Till then sweet dreams!