I had a long weekend! I seriously don't know how I survived!!!
I had 2 boys who were sooo hyped it was unreal. But I made it! Now on with the night and getting prepared for the week. I just finished watching the program about the worlds largest woman to undergo gastric bypass surgery. I was in tears to see that she passed after the surgery of a heart attack. After all she endured to reach where she was going her passing was untimely. The woman weighed over 900lbs. I can not imagine being that large. I almost hit 500lbs at my highest weight and then I was unable to perform basically anything. Being bed ridden would just have been to much for me to handle and yet I was so close to being there without realizing it. If you were to see the show it was just overwhelming to see someone getting that far gone and bed ridden that long. How I ask? How can someone allow themselves to reach the point they can not move? But I can not, nor dare not criticize because I was not to far from that point. Food is powerful! It plays a very powerful role in our lives. Without it we can not survive. With it you can lead a life of destruction. So where do you draw the line? That is a question I am still working on. My size comes from my addiction and eating disorder. I am learning it was not the amount of food I consumed but the timing and types of food I consumed. The saying what is eating you is ironic, because in my case it is truly the food that was eating me instead of I eat it. Food plays a comfort role in my life. Being there after heartaches and despair. Living thru the tears and the hurt. Calling me in moments of weakness and relapse. I learned my problem is "I AM AN EMOTIONAL EATER!" I did not like to admit it at first. Embarrassed and ashamed how people would perceive me and my problem I hid it. No frankly, and I do speak frankly, I could care less who knows! As long as I can own up to my addiction and learn to control my emotions and eating I know it will be a great recovery from a destructive behavior. Admitting you have the problem is the first step. Then next step is acknowledging the problem is bigger than you. The next step is knowing you need to seek help because you can not do this alone! Then and only then can you work on recovering from your addiction or eating disorder. I found all of this too close for comfort at a meeting with my psych. doctor last month. I never ever classified myself as an emotional eater. After talking with her and seeing the pattern in which I was speaking. She repeated the things I was saying I could clearly see that I had the very problem in which I consider myself from being immune to. How ironic is that? My family kept saying to me I don't know why you are so big. We never see you eat. No they didn't ever see me eat. After my marriage failed I turned to food for comfort. Not in a sense you think an obese woman would though. Gorging and just going off the deep end...No I did the opposite. I starved myself because "I wasn't thin enough." I lost about 30lbs in 3weeks. After I gave up and turned to food in yet another way I gained 75lbs! Doubling everything I got rid of. I would go to work and then come home and shower. After the shower spend time with my son. After my son then I would eat dinner which usually was about 10pm to 11pm. So I would eat then go straight to bed! No movement, no nothing! So all the calories never burned off they would just deposit themselves into the already large body I have. I killed my metabolism! Leading me to balloon to a large 481 lbs.
Now at 416lbs I feel hopeful! I feel full of energy! Ability to do more! My mobility has increased 100%. Don't get me wrong, I am nowhere near where I need to be but I know I am well on my way! This time no failure, no tears(Except those of joy) No late night dinners. No going straight to bed. No more! no more! Never again!
I refuse to be that 481lb woman watching my son grow up on the side line. I refuse to be that "pretty face" people see. I refuse to be that woman kid stare at the grocery store because of my size! I refuse to be the snide remarks the thin girls make when shopping for clothes! I refuse to stop living and stop breathing! I will not die! I will live!
I will walk! I will count calories! I will have a healthy relationship with my food. I will enjoy shopping for clothes! I will be able to walk the entire mile around the park! I will be!
When my cousin Lisa passed she embedded in me the will to not ever give in. I saw myself in her coffin. She passed this past holiday season. My age of breast cancer. I will not let my weight be the reason they can not treat my cancer. I will not be a victim to this beast cancer! Nor the beast (like Ruby calls it) weight. I will overcome and triumph! Those who have walked a mile in my shoes know how it is to struggle day by day with your weight. Those on our journey know how important it is to constantly be reminded of what we have to gain and everything we stand to lose if we do not do anything! Please people who read this if any, get those shoes on get moving. Get your menus planned. Count the calories! Burn more than you take in. You can do this! If Ruby can, if I am doing it, if many others have. Why not you? We are all alike in this aspect! So please I beg of you...let's do this together! Let's not be the 900lb person stuck in their house or bed ridden. If you are that person incapable of moving ask for help! Don't take no for an answer! Keep asking until someone hears your pleas! IT IS NEVER TOO LATE!