Today I ran into an old friend of mine! I mean really old friend. I think it had been something like 15years since I have seen this person. Boy oh boy did I feel small. Being the weight that I am now and running into someone who knew me when I as thin made me feel small. I don't ever want to feel like that again. I think I had this picture in my head of what I look like to people. I fooled myself into believing that I looked ok for a fat girl. How could I think I looked ok at 481? Or even no at 416? How can anyone get so comfortable with a way of life like I live? I left seeing this person pretty beat up inside. It was wonderful to see that person after all this time but it left me in a low spot. What was I thinking I tell myself sitting in my van crying and looking in the mirror. Don't get me wrong that person was very respectful and caring as usual but I could see the expression on their face when they looked at me. Again as if to say look how big you have become. I felt the disappointment and rejection of society all over again. This time not by society's hand but my own. How could I think having a "pretty face" could make up for the enormous body I carry around day in and out? I feel emotionally drained.
You know I have some amazing friend on face book who are encouraging me. We kind of help each other out when we are having bad days, or not. Even good days with recipes, advice, or just chat. I am usually the one full of encouraging words and advice, but today all my words just ran from my mouth! I feel like I disappointed myself! I think a revelation just occurred to me! One of my friends wants to do the six day intervention counselling like they did with Ruby. I think about now that is sounding more and more appealing to me.
I allowed myself get to a point where I was going to no return. If I didn't get cancer and was made to diet, I probably would of died a short and sad little life. I say little because it wouldn't have lasted longer than a couple of more years. I thank God people, Yes thank God for giving me cancer! It was and is my wake up call!
I will never in my life be this overweight person! I will not abuse the body that God gave me! I will learn to take care of it more diligently and skillfully.
Eating is my major problem! I have the physical fitness down! Now I must learn to control the eating habits I have created for myself. Changing 37 years of bad eating habits isn't as easy as going on a diet! No in fact that isn't the answer to any of my problems! Yes it helps me shed the pounds, however I must tackle the emotional side of the monster.
Now more than ever I will do so and you can help me thru my journey if you'd like. I think it started when I was 13 years old. I had my first little boyfriend. I don't think I'd ever forget him. He was a nice boy from a nice home. My parents didn't know because I never told them. I wasn't allowed to have a boyfriend. I was raised in a strict household. My step mother to me might have well been Adolf Hitler. She was the meanest mother on this earth to me. Someone told me she treated me mean because I reminded her so much of my biological mother. I don't think that was ever the case. She later told me she was too young when she and my father wed. She never expected to be an instant mother of 2. so she really didn't know what to do with us except for what she was taught growing up. Her story is probably ten times worse than mine. She came from foster care so you can imagine. Any way, hating my mother and sneaking around school with this boy made me have issues with eating. I would sneak into the kitchen after dinner and eat whatever I could find in the fridge. I would also wake up in the middle of the night and sneak into the kitchen for a bite. That is where I started.
Where I really began to have serious problems with the weight was with my pregnancy with my son Cordell. Already overweight, then bed ridden for 4 months did not help my matter at all. I gained a total of seventy five pounds with him. Then shortly after the birth of my son I found out my husband was having an affair.
Talk about turning to food! I literally felt isolated and ugly. So the only thing that comforted me was the food. I had no one again to tell my troubles to. So I stuck it out. We moved to Channelview then. I dropped fifteen pounds when we moved. Made a new friend and learned to trust my husband again. I maintained the weight for another year then had a set back again. Again my husband cheated on me. This time with the friend I had made.It was a double betrail. It really shocked the hell out of me because I never in a million years had expect that to happen with her! She was old enough to be my mother! Still I actually walked in on them have sex. How's that for trauma? I kicked him out and stayed in my home for one more year drowning in sorrow and self pity. Packing on another fifty pounds. This happened until I met this absolute fabulous person who showed me that I counted for something! This person cared enough to pick me up and dust me off. This person stood me back on my own two feet and placed a mirror in front of me and said look at yourself! I did! I saw many things that day! I saw a broken heart, tear stained face and a frown! No happiness left and no hope for myself.
Then I really looked deeper...Then and only then did I see the beautiful full figured woman that this person could look at and smile. I was pretty and my feelings and heart did matter! But as I stood before my really long ago friend today...
I saw that frown come back. I need to remind myself that the beautiful person is still there. She is just beneath the layers that need to melt away from me. I do not want to go back to this depressed state of being and so I choose to see that beautiful person I saw five years ago in that mirror. I will work to see her more clearly everyday. I will love me no matter what I look like and who sees me! Because we are worth being loved. I know I am!
With saying all this I know I have just bearly scratched my surface and yet I have a long way to go. It is days like today that make me appreciate the journey I am on now. To see myself crying all over again because of what people thought of me I can bear no more of. I am changing who I am inside as well as out and I need to keep reminding myself that no matter what size I am, I am still me! Lovable, emotional, and full life! I am sorry about today's blog! I know that it may be personal but I need to get some of this out so I don't repeat my same mistakes.
I will write more about the issues of my husband at a later time for I know that there is the route of the problem. For now this is all I care to share. Keep on the track no matter what life throws at you!