decided to come confess my sins! LOL!
Yesterday and the day before, actually this whole damned week has not been my week! I have pushed to my absolute limit of patience and integrity! Trying not only the body but the soul! I have somehow managed to survive the absolute worst humiliation yet of my obese life! Never again! Never again! That is all i keep telling myself!
Never again will I allow myself to be this big! Not after all the tears and heartache I am facing! I will never put myself through this agonizing journey ever again! It is easily said but very etched in memory every look giving to me these past few days. All the under the breathe remarks, the rolling eyes, and the starring at my fat stomach! Never again!
I walked into the appeals office of my insurance company this week to appeal the operation i so badly need and desire! To my surprise am presented to my case worker in charge of my medical case and low and behold she is 115 lb woman no bigger than my son seems like. Tiny petite woman! What such luck! But that is not what is bad i don't care if the woman as small or big or in between! I am just pissed at the fact that she had the ugliest attitude toward me! I literally felt like I was begging for services. She made me feel that little! After everything was said and she told me she would still have to review my file I probably put my foot in my mouth and said a few thing I shouldn't have! I told the lady if she would just be patient and sit and actually read through my 28 page file she could see that everything they said was missing was actually there! If they could take their time and actually sit they could see I am a person not just notes, and i have not one but three doctors behind me! they could see past their ignorance of obesity and actually care for the person and judge on appearance the medical word would be such n awesome place! I left the office in tears and so angry! How could a lady with facts in front of her face sit their in her fancy little office and tell me she will review my case to see if they will permit the surgery...
Do they not know that without it I can not loose the weight fast enough for the oncologist to do her treatment and the cancer will spread! It has already began...
I don't have time to waste! If I go under the knife with the weight I am almost guaranteed to not make it! So I am lost either way! I could have deadly repercussions from either outcome! So which way do I turn?
Not getting that off my chest I have to come to the confession part..
I came home and pigged out that night! I don't even remember what I ate only that I ate till I became ill to my stomach! Then had a very severe vomiting session afterwards! No not bulimic...natural response! The body could not consume or digest so much food at once! What possessed me to do this???? The hell if I know! It just happened. Then the remorse afterwards or what the hell I was doing to myself! Just when I thought I was doing so great...this happened to me! Never say you have something under control! When you least expect it, it can come back to bite you in the ass! I just learned that this week! I was feeling very confident about myself and my habit and one lousy experience and situation threw me for a loop!
I had to take a time out for me to regroup myself! I went to visit a family members grave and just cried until I could no more! I was close to this person and she and I shared many many thing in common! weight as well as other things...only she had the surgery and lost so much weight she was a very beautiful lady physically to look at when she as finished. Not that she wasn't attractive to begin with but you know what i mean. She died almost a year ago of complications of breast cancer...
I saw the toll the cancer took on her daily living and how the cancer sucked the light out of her...She was a very vivacious person and at the end could not do anything but be in bed. I don't want that to be me! I will not allow myself to end like she did! I have a son! He is young and he needs me more than anyone or anything in this world! For this I fight, for this I live, for this I love! So when I got my composure back I realized that I will beat this! I will have the surgery even if I have to repeat the 6month weight loss program again...I will! I will!

Have some free time so decided to come blog. Having the boys drained me a little but i am just glad to get a full nights sleep tonight! I am still waiting to hear from the doctor about the surgery. I have received a denial letter from the insurance and an appeal letter as well. I will appeal it to the last straw if I have to. My life depends on it. My doctors are doing the same and resubmitted the documents that were missing. Hopefully it will not be too long now. I have not weighed myself in almost 3 weeks so i am just a little worried to see if i have gained any weight back. My clothes still feel a little loose. I have dropped officially 100lbs. and have lost 3 sizes. Still not enough to get my procedures done but it is a start. I struggled doing just that!
It was strange going shopping for myself at the store. I threw away some clothes and donated some others. So was left with very few things. Vowing never to go back to that size! I was at a size that I had to order my clothes online. Not being able to shop at regular stores really pissed me off! Ordering and having to wait for them to come a week later is not my way of shopping. So when i walked into Avenue and tried on an outfit that actually fit me...talk about the happy dance! I am not talking about the stretchy pants or cotton blend tee's I am talking about a pair of linen pants! Very nice! So i was happy beyond words. My husband was amazed when i came in a new outfit! He said he could really see the loss with the new clothes.
It made me feel very confident about myself! Just like old days! I can see the old me coming back little by little...but...a new old me! Does that make sense?
The old me full of life but a new me, different in attitude and outlooks...
Wise, and older!
I actually am feeling better about my age as well. 37 is so bad!
I like what my son tells me. He says I am turning into a new fun mom! I want to go to do more things and be more out and about! Before i would just stay home because of the snide remarks people made about my weight. It doesn't bother me anymore!
I feel sorry for those people who are ignorant and can not understand the challenges and sensitives that goes along with the weight we carry!
For some people it can be their demise For others it can be a crutch, and yet others can use it as a tool! Let me explain myself...
For those who let it become them...their demise! That is all they will ever be a fat person. Not being able to see past the weight and the problems that the dysfunctions of the weight create for us.
For those who use it as a crutch...they use the weight as an excuse to just exists in life. Floating in oblivion without cares. Using the weight to excuse themselves from participation in all life has to offer.
Then there are those who choose to use it as a tool...a learning experience! Once they hit rock bottom they come back bouncing back to life.
I think i have experienced every single part of these phases in life! Denial can be a strong hold on someone hen they can't see themselves as big as they are.
I never bought full length mirrors in my house for fear of how i looked. I knew i had a pretty face so i went with that! Never looking at the huge body i carried below it. At 481lbs it never felt that big until a young lady pointed out to her friend how fat i was...and if she were ever that fat she wouldn't leave her house. That is what hit me hard! The comments people made about a self i could not see. Then i was forced to see the real me! The me everyone else was looking at. I never knew my weight in numbers until i started going to the doctor regularly. Then I saw not only the numbers but the effects it had on me.

Hello everyone!
Got back yesterday from a trip to San Antonio and actually enjoyed myself!
It was only my husband and son and myself and it felt like old times! Before the fighting, before the mess we created in our lives! I felt loved and appreciated and mostly comfortable being me!
There were many things that we didn't do because I could not physically do them but none the less...an awesome time! I can not believe how much I walked in two days! I awoke with sore legs this morning! ha ha! a First for me! walked the entire river walk and the malls! I enjoyed the market square, and hemisphere park! If it were only three or four months ago I would not have been able to do that! What a change and sense of liberation from myself!
Yesterday when we got back late...we ate out and to my surprise I actually did well!
I have been finding myself more and more aware of the foods I eat and how much to eat! Worrying about gaining any of this weight back before the operation! Speaking of the operation...It has hit a bump in the road! My insurance denied it because of a missing paper, so the doctors have resubmitted the paperwork and added the extra stuff they need now....
Now another 2-3 wks before I hear something again. Afterwards another 2 weeks before surgery actually takes place. So I am looking at another month at tops! How time is dragging!
My parents tell me to be patient but how about you try to be patient knowing your life is about to change forever! It is hard when you have a bomb ticking inside of you! My cancer is unchanged! Thank you God! The double biopsy came back unchanged. Same diagnoses as before! The pains however have changed...the doc said it was due to increased mobility and the physical work I was doing...I sometimes just don't buy it! But who am I to say what is what I am just a simpleton!
Any who...I am just happy to be back home and starting a new week! Dad has surgery this week and I have to take him to the doctors tomorrow. I just pray they finally find what is wrong with him and fix him...although I have a sick feeling in my stomach that what is wrong can not be fixed! He was an alcoholic for many years....most of young life and quit about 8-9yrs ago...I pray to God that he didn't damage anything then. But we will know soon!
Well I do not have much time to write tonight because getting the son ready for bed! So with that I ill see everyone tomorrow! You all have a great night!

Happy weekend people!
Today I awoke with a burst of energy! I have literally spent all day cleaning my house and detailing things I have neglected for a while! As I see the weight drop I feel more and more energetic! It is so refreshing to have that feeling come back! I would always wake up tired and not wanting to start the day..the last few days have been such a breeze!
I called my surgeon yesterday and spoke with my nurse. I am just waiting for the final papers to come back from the insurance and off to surgery I go! It can not come soon enough! I think that all the wanting to clean the house is fear trying to manifest it's self in me! I am afraid they will neglect the house and I come home from the hospital to a pig stye! I am kind of a neat freak when it comes to the house! I hate dishes in the sink and clothes on the floor! I have two boys who do not care where the clothing goes and how to wash a dish! I say I have two boys because the husband acts like a child lately....
We have been having some drama between us lately. He thinks in his tiny little brain of his because he is in my house "We are officially back together." WRONG! I have stressed this to him time and again and still it does not sink in! He is asking for explanations when they are not due, and he is having bits of jealousy rages when I can not be found! People...I do not have anyone else! You could not glue another man to me ever again! I am thru trying to please jerks! I am all about getting healthy and pleasing myself and my son! Nothing or no one else matters to me at this point in my life! (Except my family of course) I think this man's guilt is playing mind tricks on him...If you feel like I'm cheating maybe it's because your cheating yourself? I say to him grow-up!
I want to go back to talking about my food choices lately. Not the best that I have consumed lately. Today I allowed myself to eat pizza. Before I was finished I scarfed down 4 pieces! But let me tell you after I finished I felt really sick to my stomach! That my friends is probably a whole days worth of fat and calories in one eating! It made me so mad! How could I sit there with my kid and actually enjoy eating this crap? But the taste....
Here again I have to ask myself is the taste worth the damage to my body? No! No it's never worth it. You know when I was 20 I became an alcoholic! I would drink everyday with my friends after work, on the weekends, on holidays, at parties, at the club...you get the picture. I drank for every occasion! I remember and still talk about this till today to people who drink, that I got so smashed drinking! A group of friends and myself went to Galveston Island and had a bonfire and drank all night long! I partied so hard! However partying and driving don't mix....I drove myself home that night! I DO NOT REMEMBER THAT DRIVE HOME! I for the life of me can not explain how being so smashed I drove safely across a bridge, and down a long stretch of highway...and down a residential area, to park a car 3 blocks from where I lived and then proceeded by foot to walk to my residence and find myself passed out the next morning on the stairs leading up to my bedroom half dressed! People all around and beer bottles and liquor bottle everywhere! But can not remember who, where, when, or what the hell happened to me that night!
I only mention this because I am no longer embarrassed of that night! The point I wanted to make with this story is all of that had to happen to me before I quit drinking! I could not find my car for 3 days! I report it stolen and that is when the police found it parked 3 blocks from where I lived. Alcoholics do alot to themselves before they say enough is enough! For some they never find that rock bottom to hit! I however, consider myself very fortunate!
My journey with the weight is the same, as with alcohol! I see myself as a food junkie! I do not consume large amounts all the time..don't get me wrong I can grub just like the next person but...I find my problem being the food I eat! Loaded with taste...calories...FAT! Nothing good! So now I have to give myself that extra push to see that all food isn't created equal!
Not all taste is good! So after eating those pizzas, I got back to cleaning and then jumped on the treadmill! Today was my day off exercising, but I decided 4 pizzas slices are not worth the fat! I got on for 30 minutes and later before I go to bed will do another 30 minutes! I can not allow that stuff to settle into my body! Out damned pizza!!! Out you go!!!
I cleaned out my closet today as well!!!yay!!! I got rid of half of my wardrobe! Keeping only the things that still fit ok not to loose. I will definitely be needing new clothes! I can't wait!
Well still waiting for news on the biopsies! They took a double biopsy on my uterus and cervix and ovaries on Monday. Last Friday did a biopsy on my stomach. When he did the E.G.D. said it was inflamed and looked a little different so no news from them I suppose is good news! Or isn't that the saying? Well back to cleaning...Gonna dust, dust the pizza out! lol! How can you dust out pizza? Ya'll get up put on your shoes and get walking! Remember your heart will love you for it!

Hello again! Today has been a very productive day for me! I couldn't say the same for yesterday. I went to the doctor for my arthritis in the knees and they gave a lancaide and steroid shot in the knee cap. Man did it hurt and then to make matters worse they actually hit the knee cap with the needle by accident, so it caused more pain! But now I am ok and the Knee isn't acting up anymore. So I guess the pain was well worth it! My last entry I was doubting the husbands again. Well he came home drunk like before. So we had words and I told him that as soon as I am better he can go back to being single! I was better off without the man in my life. Sometimes no matter how hard you try it just doesn't work because you were meant for a different life. I am less judgemental of his actions, after all it isn't like we are involved with one another. We sleep separate, and live life as though we were roommates. I guess I fooled myself into believing he was actually going to change because of my illness. Now with that being said I move on and don't look back. I had a lady come up to me yesterday and ask me to join her herba-life movement to help me loose weight. I just laughed at the lady and began to ask her questions. I ask what was so wonderful about her product and how did it help her to lose weight. She replied with a whole 30minute sprew about how the product was made from natural products and how it made you lose the weight. I let her continue by telling me that she lost 30lbs in 2months without exercise. How she is full of energy and how much it had done for her personally. I laughed again and she ask what I found humorous? So I gave her my reply....I told her how all that stuff was "natural herbs filled w/caffeine or some sort of upper to give her the burst of energy she needed." Then I went on to explain to her the severe damage consuming that type of product could cause in the long run. (I know because an aunt of mine almost died taking that so called natural product.) Then I went on to explain that without serious lifestyle changes and exercise you could not lose the weight without it coming back. She is selling a fad diet for a temporary fix...Dieting and exercise is a lifestyle change, not a temporary fix! To be successful you must, must change your lifestyle! Otherwise when you finish dieting, you will gain all that weight back and more. At the end of conversation I told her about my success and who I accomplished it....She didn't believe me until I showed her a picture of me taken last year. She left me scratching her head and doubting her product.!
My intentions were not to sway her opinion on the product she peddled but to educate her on the real way of losing weight healthy! I am still judged for being overweight. People see me and automatically want to sell me their gimmicks! No thanks! I am 4lbs shy of being 100lbs lighter in a 8month period! To me that is an amazing job in itself! I have done it slowly but steady...On medical supervision and wouldn't have done it any other way! I am still awaiting my date. Surgery is close and to me it can't come soon enough! The days seem to drag on like eternities! NERVES!!!
My family is finally doing well too! Dad went to the doc and finally got meds that help the pain. He is about to undergo surgery his self and I am really nervous about it! But to my surprise I find myself not eating the nerves as before. Instead I jump on the treadmill and blare the music singing until I am literally out of breathe and can no longer sing! LOL! People upstairs must think I am a nut! However it works for now! I am trying to teach myself other ways to deal with the emotional eating. It is hard and long journey still for me, having bad days and days I just can not resist myself! But I
am becoming more aware! Awareness with action! I can honestly say I am walking the talk!
My family is supportive and my son is actually proud of me! So it helps me fuel the soul!
I still have the days where I am my most worst enemy! Trying to sabotage the progress by negativity. Trying to relive the past thru memories of very bad things happening to me. When I do this I just pray...pray for God to get me thru the hard memories and help erase them by new and exciting moments in my life! My life has been full of very dark days now I need some sunshine....I am trying to make that sunshine!!!
I wonder though...how life will be like in the thin world? I call it the thin world because I have never know a reality that wasn't overweight for me! For now that is all I can do is wonder and dream....Work and sweat to get there and listen to the remarks, the chuckles, and glaring eyes of thin people who judge me because I do not look like them. How I hate it...how it feels so bad...how never again will I be this person! This is the last time that I will have to diet...have to struggle...have to be laughed at! I take my life back! No one can take it from me or ridicule me! I take back my dignity, I take back my smile, and my happiness! It belongs to me and no one else! I am taking back my body!!!!!

What a day! I am up waiting for the husband to come home and have a feeling he is back to his old self! I am not sure if he had to work late, or if he is out and about. His phone is off and I can't call him. I hate waiting! This is where most of my eating problems started. 11 years ago! Waiting, eating, wondering! To my surprise it has not affected me as before. This time I just worry that all is well instead of who is he with. I think the last time we separated I emotionally separated myself from him. Not allowing myself to care about who he sees is a big deal to me. 10 years ago I would have had a fit! Not today! To my surprise I did not find myself in the fridge just mindlessly eating to comfort myself. Instead I got on the treadmill for 30 minutes and put on my mp3 player and sang and walked for 30 minutes. Those who are really close to me know how much I love to sing! Not always the best at it but none the less I like to belch it out like no one's business! I find it to be a sort of theraphy! Any how, I finished that and decided to shower early and get on and talk to myself about how I feel about all that is about to happen to me.
I am becoming more and more anxious, and scared about my phase in the journey I am on! I have been medicine free (except my blood pressure pills) for 2 days. Let me tell you that I have been running a fever all day and have felt like I have absolutely no energy. It is so strange how being without your medicine can affect you as much as taking them. I told me dad today I felt like a druggy! Having the withdraws! LOL! He just laughed and said I was being silly. Despite all my yucky feeling I had quite a productive day. Doing the laundry, picking mom from work, going to the grocery store, and watching my two year old nephew. Now I just ant to cral in the bed! My kid is in his room playing the xbox360 and he came in my room to check on me (bless his heart!) He told me I was being too quiet. So he got worried.
I had a dream last night about going on the operating table...lol! It left me quite concerned, but I know that it is just my nerves getting the best of me.
My diet today was better than yesterday! I only consumed 1500 cals and drank 10- 20oz bottles of water. Which is great! However my feet are swollen from fluid retntion. Not allowed to take my pills so my feet are paying the price!
You know I was talking to a friend of mine on the phone and she told me that she was envious of me for having the surgery. I ask her why? She is also obese and said that I was taking the easy way out of all of this. You think????
How can putting your life on the table for someone to touch an easy way out? How can being on a total liquid diet for 7 weeks be easy way out? How is eating puree food for another 6-7 weeks and easy way out? I my friend do not see this as a easy way out! I see it as a stepping stone ( tool) to use on my journey for getting my treatment for cancer. For ridding myself of obstructed sleep apnea, of taking away the high blood pressure, as addressing the orthopedic problems I have, as preventing my heart from giving out or better yet, from preventing me of having a heart attack, or even dying! So no my dear friend it isn't the easy way out! It is harder! You have to have strict discipline, control of yourself and know where you want to go and why. All of the prosedure has to have a bigger purpose for it to work for you. If not it to will fail like every other diet you do! What happens to you after you lose the weight? Then what???? You can gain every single bit and more back!
Then can you tell me that this is an easy way out? Well the man came home. Just walked in so I guess I better go see what the excuse was now. Till tomorrow>....

WELCOME BACK!!! That is what I am telling myself! I came in from the doctors earlier and found myself with nothing to do so since I have been neglecting my blog and so many keep asking me if I will continue it I am back. It feels good to go thru and re-read all those entries. It feels like weight lifted off my shoulders! So much has happened to me since the last time I made an entry. My husband is back home with me. Helping me out with my son and household duties. We seem to have a small sense of normality at home now. (Not between he and I, but just in daily life generally speaking.)Things between he and I are civil for the most part. I can't complain but they are not what a true marriage is. We are not completely together if you know what I am referring to...
My illness is taking it's toll on me. I visit the doctor almost weekly now. My thyroids have quit and my liver is acting up. I am now on synthetic thyroid hormones and it is causing my bp to raise and my heart to race at time. The liver isn't great because of the meds I am taking. However with saying the negative let me get to my ray of sunshine...I am a week away from having gastric bypass surgery done. I go in Friday (this Friday) for an E.G.D. to make sure there is no abnormalities in the throat or stomach. Then surgery....I am excited, scared, anxious, and just down right ready to scream from emotion! It is like waiting for Christmas to come but knowing your not getting anything, just losing a part of you, you so desperately tried to get rid of so many times before. For six months now I didn't grasp the full meaning of this surgery. I thought "I'll have it lose the weight effortlessly and be beautiful afterwards." Then I went to a support group and saw first hand the true sense of what the surgery is really about. Yes it is about the weight but it is also so much more. It is facing all the demons we as obese people carry. The emotions of eating, the depression of failure, the sadness of losing people close to us. It has so many faces, so many disguises! My weight problem stemmed from a young troubled adolescent. It ballooned as a desperate single mother. It will now be defeated as an aware healthy woman! I can honestly sit here and tell myself this. I have lost 90lbs since December. To some that is slow progress. To me it is progress! That is a whole anorexic person. Imagine that?
I honestly think that controlling my emotions is the key to winning my battle. To help me do this I go to a psych. She helps me to analyze things in an order I never saw them. I never in a million years think I would be seeing one but here I am. My emotional problem is bigger than I am. I need to face it head on or all of these tools given to me...the surgery, the counseling, the dieting, the workouts...all of this will be for nothing. It will all come back. That is part of the reason I allowed my husband to move back in. I must face all of my problems with him! For they are the majority of things that keep me where I am at today. I do not wish to be that 481lb woman people keep laughing at. Children stare at, men honking too and make cow noises. No! No more! I am a 400lb woman moving into a new phase in my life, a healthier one, a saner one! So welcome back Rebeca! This feels really good to talk to again! You will definitely see more coming as I work thru the issues and lose more weight.
My current plan is a 1800 cal diet daily consisting of 30grams of protein daily and over 1/2 of rest veggie intake! I am cutting most of the carbs except w/ complex carbs like Sweet potatoes and other veggies or whole grains that actually have purpose in my body. My rule is if I eat it, it must have something of nutrients, or function to my diet. What does the food I put into my body do for my body? Makes you think about why we eat what we eat! Also I take a 30-45 walk on my new treadmill. Do shimmy, and every other day an oldie but goodies..."Sweating to the oldies!" My all time fave workout dvds! If you mix it up you will not be bored and are more inclined to keep on the journey we are on. If you do the same thing day in and day out...you are more likely to fail yourself w/ no motivation! Come on put those shoes on and hit the ground! I know I am!
P.S. To Maureen....Thank you! You made me remember just why I started writing this in the first place! Know I am here for you always!