Today was a day I wish never happened!
Started off great! WAS in a good mood! Until the doctor came in and reconfirmed every suspection I had! My father as just diagnosed with Advanced Stage 3 maybe stage4 cancer. It has affected all 9 of his lymph nodes. Now we see a specialist and wait to get redignosed and find out if he is terminally ill! I can't even type this without crying! My mother has taken it just as hard! I don't have words to express how I feel except angry! Angry at all the doctors who pushed him from one doctor to the next! Angry at the hospital for the different diagnoses...prolonging his treatment! Just Angry! My father is everything to me! He came to pick me up when I was only 2years old and my biological mother abandoned me! We were raised by him my brother and I! My mother who is actually my step mom is the only mother I had until I was 22! That is when I met my biological mother for the first time! That is a novel in it's self! All I know is how will ...How am i ... Shit I just don't know! I actually recieved good news about my surgery yesterday and now becoming more optomistic about the surgery happening..but now with this how can I be happy? I am the one Who takes dad to the doctor and all his appointments...if I am recoverying who will do this?
Who will do alot of things when I am unable? I just don't know..................

Hello Again!
My blog is becoming few and far between due to all the things going on in my life right now. I wish I could tell myself that all is OK in my life...but it is just the opposite. My home life has become unbearable! My husband staying with me was never a good idea to begin with! His relationship with my son is being strained due to his ignorance! My husband is an alcoholic! His beer always comes first and my son second. I hate to see him suffer! When I sat my son down to talk about his feelings about his dad being there he told me that he didn't want him to leave even though he acted like a jackass! lol! I smiled and said are you sure and he said yes. I pray I am doing the right thing by letting this man be a part of my son's life at what cost?? My relationship with him is as always...shitty! I think since I have no respect for him it is hard to act as though nothing has happened. He has his good days( like when he surprised me to go to San Antonio.) but he has more bad days than good.
He wants me to treat him as my spouse in the sense that I tell him that I love him and let him know where I am and with whom...I didn't even do that when we were married let alone now. I think he is bipolar! haha! However all this may be it is not the reason which I am in a state of despair. My surgery has been on the rocks for more than two months now and I was finally told that they may not ever get an approval. So do I change insurance and start all over and lose the coverage for the cancer or do I battle out the rest and never get the surgery for the cancer? I feel like either way I am totally screwed! I have made a new discovery in which the doctors are truly concerned! As I have lost some weight...I have discovered a large lump in my left breast! I am going in this week to get a mammogram and possible MRI. They are alarmed because almost every female in my mothers family has had some type of breast cancer or tumors...I carry the mutated brac gene and have a cancer already...this puts me at a higher risk! I just pray it is not! I have not told anyone what I have found...No one at all! For it scares the shit out of me! Plus everyone is still so focused with dad and his cancer. I don't need anyone to worry for me.
My brother who has lymphoma is not doing so well! The chemo is taking it's toll on him! He has had a total of 10 treatments already and the cancer isn't responding as they would like. He will take a 3week break starting this week to recoup from the last dose and then go in for his first radiation treatment! I don't even want to imagine this!!! I was speaking to my father about the treatment for his and he told me that if they needed to do another surgery that he would not!!!! He said this is it for him...so please pray with me that they took it all out!
My diet....well another story all together!
I have slipped on my diet and ate just about anything I have wanted these last two weeks. I have paid for it too! Gaining five pounds back! Ughhh! So mad at myself. But I feel the depression trying to creep back in. I ill not let it come in again! I will continue to fight until I cannot! Not being optimistic about my surgery has lead me off the path. So I decided that with or without the surgery I will do this the hard way! I have taken off 103lbs by myself...so I think , I KNOW, I can do this! I have gone back to reading labels ..portion control...lots of water...more exercise than intake....and snacking healthy! I am really gonna push myself these next couple of weeks! I need to get back to where I was before...
Being physically drained and then tested beyond your imagination is hard to do! Then having to try to be mom to my nephew who is spoiled beyond means...even harder! I ask what the hell did my parents do to this kid to make him the way he is now? When he came to live with me he was 2months old. He left hen he was 13months to live with my parents because I became unable to care for him physically! I was hemorrhaging alot. Not able to carry him...his mom came back when he was 14months and left him again at 2 yrs. old. No at 2 1/2 O.M.G! Is all I have to say...I love the kid but can not wait for him to go back home!
Well I hope my next blog I have better news to give and more pounds shed....right now not feeling very hopeful...but I BELIEVE! That is all that matters!

So many things have happened in the past few days since my last blog entry...
Dad has his surgery and he is doing better physically! He has 5 incisions and one of them is large. They began his surgery laproscopicly and ended it with an open incision. He spent 4days in the hospital and came home! He is still in pain but he is a fighter...guess that is where I get my spirit! When I began to read the discharge papers the unofficial diagnoses was Stage2 colon cancer. However when I questioned the doctor they said it was a guess...not an official diagnoses. The lymph node looked pretty affected. So they suspect stage 3 cancer. Mom doesn't know neither does dad..he goes back on the 19th of this month to remove the staples and get his official diagnoses! I will be there with him!
As for me well things are not going so good anymore! My blood count is off the chart and I am very physically drained! I am taking charge off my nephew who is 2 even though I sometimes can not function physically! I push myself to get up every morning and fall into bed dead tire every night! I fear I maybe pushing myself too far, but what alternative do I have....it is my dad and my son and my nephew who need me! My nephew has nowhere else to go that is familiar to him. I can not say no to my parents! But at what expense am I pushing myself! I went to the doctor and they prescribed me some new pills...which are suppose to help...they don't! I just keep pushing forward!
My weight loss has hit a plateau! I lost 103lbs and hit a snag....the surgery has been pushed around by the insurance company so many times I can not even remember the number now...just to say it has been resubmitted so many times and this will be the last time they can submit it for up to 90 days...So if they deny it I have to wait another 90 days to resubmit! Every error has been on their part not ours, yet they fail to recognize the error and correct it! How can people be so irresponsible with others lives? I just wonder if they can go home at night with a clean conscious? If it were Me,I wouldn't be able to sleep knowing the person I am denying could lose their life while I am contemplating! But hey to each their own!
I am out of the 400's now and never going back!!!!!!never ever ever!!!!
My mobility is so much better and my clothes fit better! I can shop at the places I like now! Not just on line clothing that I can not try on because the sizes are right. I still struggle with healthy food choices...I would be lying if I said I do not! It is a constant battle that I think will stay with me forever! Just today I ate two tacos from taco bell. Not very healthy or very good for me! The other day I let myself drink a vanilla shake...you know how many calories that thing had??? Too many!!!!!
I still exercise and keep up with my physical activities!!! Enjoy walking in the fresh cool air and taking my nephew for a picnic to the park! Even though I feel sick I do not let it get me down! I guess I figure if I stop forcing myself to keep going I will really feel the illness set in and I will go faster. I don't know...All I do know is that I can't give in to the beast who wants me!

I can't seem to manage to keep any food down for the last two days! Since dads news I have lost 5 lbs without even trying! Talk about depression!!!!
I was in the room when the first doctor or should i say intern came in and ask my father why did he come to see the doctors. I laughed and spoke up right away! I told him could you please just get the doctor and the report from the biopsy and cut to the chase and not waste my fathers time and yours. He looked at me with a smug face and got up and walked out! Not even five minutes later a doctor came in and asked my father if he remembered him and my father answered "no." He walked out and then all three came back a few seconds later..
By then my nerves were getting the best of me and I was nervously moving my hands and trying to make small talk with dad. They walked in and one sat and one stood by the door and the other walked up to my father. I knew it was bad news!!!
They proceeded to tell my father the reason for a speedy surgery the first time was that they could not biopsy past the growth in the sigmoid part of his colon. the blood work looked stranged and the e.g.d. came out ok! So they went with the sample they took and it came back 100% positive for colon cancer! I saw my father's face change from a happy one to one of horror! They proceeded to tell him they were uncertain to how large the growth was and what organs were already affected. They said they could not grade the cancer till the actual colon and lymph nodes were removed!
My worst fear became a reality! This meant so many thing to me all at the same time! The doctors continue to explained the risk of surgery which included death and how life would be after surgery for him without certain organs if they had to be removed. At that moment they ask me to leave to check him again and proceeded to try to take another sample of tissue! Didn't happen but as I returned into the room my father waited I saw the man who I called daddy for 37 years, the man who picked me up and dusted me off every time I needed it, the man who sheltered me from everything he possibly could break down and cry like I have never seen before! I saw him cry when we lost my brother....but this was different! Trying to console him and not lose it myself he proceeded to explain to me that he has had that pain for many years...he has refuse to see a doctor,,,and he feared the worst...truth be known so do I! He has dreamt his own death! Something I wish he never told me!
Many people get colon cancer! It is a curable disease, however my father refused medical care for many years and when he did finally agree as because literally felt like he was dying! They kept passing him from one doctor to another...have different diagnoses each time. I can't believe after all this this is what it come down to!
Three people in my family battling cancer! How ironic!I feel like the fates are being so unkind to us!
This however puts me at a greater risk for other cancers...when at the genetics counselor I as told that if anyone had to certain types of cancer in the immediate family it was a certain given that we have the mutated gene which allows cancer development. Now with that a reality I am just wondering what next! For certain a mammogram!
The waiting for dads surgery is unnerving! I can't sleep or do anything! I just lay there at night crying! I fear losing him! Just praying to God to let me endure whatever he dishes out! Praying that he gives the doctors the rest and tools needed for Monday mornings surgery! Please God just let him survive! Let this be early and curable! please!!!!

decided to come confess my sins! LOL!
Yesterday and the day before, actually this whole damned week has not been my week! I have pushed to my absolute limit of patience and integrity! Trying not only the body but the soul! I have somehow managed to survive the absolute worst humiliation yet of my obese life! Never again! Never again! That is all i keep telling myself!
Never again will I allow myself to be this big! Not after all the tears and heartache I am facing! I will never put myself through this agonizing journey ever again! It is easily said but very etched in memory every look giving to me these past few days. All the under the breathe remarks, the rolling eyes, and the starring at my fat stomach! Never again!
I walked into the appeals office of my insurance company this week to appeal the operation i so badly need and desire! To my surprise am presented to my case worker in charge of my medical case and low and behold she is 115 lb woman no bigger than my son seems like. Tiny petite woman! What such luck! But that is not what is bad i don't care if the woman as small or big or in between! I am just pissed at the fact that she had the ugliest attitude toward me! I literally felt like I was begging for services. She made me feel that little! After everything was said and she told me she would still have to review my file I probably put my foot in my mouth and said a few thing I shouldn't have! I told the lady if she would just be patient and sit and actually read through my 28 page file she could see that everything they said was missing was actually there! If they could take their time and actually sit they could see I am a person not just notes, and i have not one but three doctors behind me! they could see past their ignorance of obesity and actually care for the person and judge on appearance the medical word would be such n awesome place! I left the office in tears and so angry! How could a lady with facts in front of her face sit their in her fancy little office and tell me she will review my case to see if they will permit the surgery...
Do they not know that without it I can not loose the weight fast enough for the oncologist to do her treatment and the cancer will spread! It has already began...
I don't have time to waste! If I go under the knife with the weight I am almost guaranteed to not make it! So I am lost either way! I could have deadly repercussions from either outcome! So which way do I turn?
Not getting that off my chest I have to come to the confession part..
I came home and pigged out that night! I don't even remember what I ate only that I ate till I became ill to my stomach! Then had a very severe vomiting session afterwards! No not bulimic...natural response! The body could not consume or digest so much food at once! What possessed me to do this???? The hell if I know! It just happened. Then the remorse afterwards or what the hell I was doing to myself! Just when I thought I was doing so great...this happened to me! Never say you have something under control! When you least expect it, it can come back to bite you in the ass! I just learned that this week! I was feeling very confident about myself and my habit and one lousy experience and situation threw me for a loop!
I had to take a time out for me to regroup myself! I went to visit a family members grave and just cried until I could no more! I was close to this person and she and I shared many many thing in common! weight as well as other things...only she had the surgery and lost so much weight she was a very beautiful lady physically to look at when she as finished. Not that she wasn't attractive to begin with but you know what i mean. She died almost a year ago of complications of breast cancer...
I saw the toll the cancer took on her daily living and how the cancer sucked the light out of her...She was a very vivacious person and at the end could not do anything but be in bed. I don't want that to be me! I will not allow myself to end like she did! I have a son! He is young and he needs me more than anyone or anything in this world! For this I fight, for this I live, for this I love! So when I got my composure back I realized that I will beat this! I will have the surgery even if I have to repeat the 6month weight loss program again...I will! I will!

Have some free time so decided to come blog. Having the boys drained me a little but i am just glad to get a full nights sleep tonight! I am still waiting to hear from the doctor about the surgery. I have received a denial letter from the insurance and an appeal letter as well. I will appeal it to the last straw if I have to. My life depends on it. My doctors are doing the same and resubmitted the documents that were missing. Hopefully it will not be too long now. I have not weighed myself in almost 3 weeks so i am just a little worried to see if i have gained any weight back. My clothes still feel a little loose. I have dropped officially 100lbs. and have lost 3 sizes. Still not enough to get my procedures done but it is a start. I struggled doing just that!
It was strange going shopping for myself at the store. I threw away some clothes and donated some others. So was left with very few things. Vowing never to go back to that size! I was at a size that I had to order my clothes online. Not being able to shop at regular stores really pissed me off! Ordering and having to wait for them to come a week later is not my way of shopping. So when i walked into Avenue and tried on an outfit that actually fit me...talk about the happy dance! I am not talking about the stretchy pants or cotton blend tee's I am talking about a pair of linen pants! Very nice! So i was happy beyond words. My husband was amazed when i came in a new outfit! He said he could really see the loss with the new clothes.
It made me feel very confident about myself! Just like old days! I can see the old me coming back little by little...but...a new old me! Does that make sense?
The old me full of life but a new me, different in attitude and outlooks...
Wise, and older!
I actually am feeling better about my age as well. 37 is so bad!
I like what my son tells me. He says I am turning into a new fun mom! I want to go to do more things and be more out and about! Before i would just stay home because of the snide remarks people made about my weight. It doesn't bother me anymore!
I feel sorry for those people who are ignorant and can not understand the challenges and sensitives that goes along with the weight we carry!
For some people it can be their demise For others it can be a crutch, and yet others can use it as a tool! Let me explain myself...
For those who let it become them...their demise! That is all they will ever be a fat person. Not being able to see past the weight and the problems that the dysfunctions of the weight create for us.
For those who use it as a crutch...they use the weight as an excuse to just exists in life. Floating in oblivion without cares. Using the weight to excuse themselves from participation in all life has to offer.
Then there are those who choose to use it as a tool...a learning experience! Once they hit rock bottom they come back bouncing back to life.
I think i have experienced every single part of these phases in life! Denial can be a strong hold on someone hen they can't see themselves as big as they are.
I never bought full length mirrors in my house for fear of how i looked. I knew i had a pretty face so i went with that! Never looking at the huge body i carried below it. At 481lbs it never felt that big until a young lady pointed out to her friend how fat i was...and if she were ever that fat she wouldn't leave her house. That is what hit me hard! The comments people made about a self i could not see. Then i was forced to see the real me! The me everyone else was looking at. I never knew my weight in numbers until i started going to the doctor regularly. Then I saw not only the numbers but the effects it had on me.

Hello everyone!
Got back yesterday from a trip to San Antonio and actually enjoyed myself!
It was only my husband and son and myself and it felt like old times! Before the fighting, before the mess we created in our lives! I felt loved and appreciated and mostly comfortable being me!
There were many things that we didn't do because I could not physically do them but none the less...an awesome time! I can not believe how much I walked in two days! I awoke with sore legs this morning! ha ha! a First for me! walked the entire river walk and the malls! I enjoyed the market square, and hemisphere park! If it were only three or four months ago I would not have been able to do that! What a change and sense of liberation from myself!
Yesterday when we got back late...we ate out and to my surprise I actually did well!
I have been finding myself more and more aware of the foods I eat and how much to eat! Worrying about gaining any of this weight back before the operation! Speaking of the operation...It has hit a bump in the road! My insurance denied it because of a missing paper, so the doctors have resubmitted the paperwork and added the extra stuff they need now....
Now another 2-3 wks before I hear something again. Afterwards another 2 weeks before surgery actually takes place. So I am looking at another month at tops! How time is dragging!
My parents tell me to be patient but how about you try to be patient knowing your life is about to change forever! It is hard when you have a bomb ticking inside of you! My cancer is unchanged! Thank you God! The double biopsy came back unchanged. Same diagnoses as before! The pains however have changed...the doc said it was due to increased mobility and the physical work I was doing...I sometimes just don't buy it! But who am I to say what is what I am just a simpleton!
Any who...I am just happy to be back home and starting a new week! Dad has surgery this week and I have to take him to the doctors tomorrow. I just pray they finally find what is wrong with him and fix him...although I have a sick feeling in my stomach that what is wrong can not be fixed! He was an alcoholic for many years....most of young life and quit about 8-9yrs ago...I pray to God that he didn't damage anything then. But we will know soon!
Well I do not have much time to write tonight because getting the son ready for bed! So with that I ill see everyone tomorrow! You all have a great night!