Happy weekend people!
Today I awoke with a burst of energy! I have literally spent all day cleaning my house and detailing things I have neglected for a while! As I see the weight drop I feel more and more energetic! It is so refreshing to have that feeling come back! I would always wake up tired and not wanting to start the day..the last few days have been such a breeze!
I called my surgeon yesterday and spoke with my nurse. I am just waiting for the final papers to come back from the insurance and off to surgery I go! It can not come soon enough! I think that all the wanting to clean the house is fear trying to manifest it's self in me! I am afraid they will neglect the house and I come home from the hospital to a pig stye! I am kind of a neat freak when it comes to the house! I hate dishes in the sink and clothes on the floor! I have two boys who do not care where the clothing goes and how to wash a dish! I say I have two boys because the husband acts like a child lately....
We have been having some drama between us lately. He thinks in his tiny little brain of his because he is in my house "We are officially back together." WRONG! I have stressed this to him time and again and still it does not sink in! He is asking for explanations when they are not due, and he is having bits of jealousy rages when I can not be found! People...I do not have anyone else! You could not glue another man to me ever again! I am thru trying to please jerks! I am all about getting healthy and pleasing myself and my son! Nothing or no one else matters to me at this point in my life! (Except my family of course) I think this man's guilt is playing mind tricks on him...If you feel like I'm cheating maybe it's because your cheating yourself? I say to him grow-up!
I want to go back to talking about my food choices lately. Not the best that I have consumed lately. Today I allowed myself to eat pizza. Before I was finished I scarfed down 4 pieces! But let me tell you after I finished I felt really sick to my stomach! That my friends is probably a whole days worth of fat and calories in one eating! It made me so mad! How could I sit there with my kid and actually enjoy eating this crap? But the taste....
Here again I have to ask myself is the taste worth the damage to my body? No! No it's never worth it. You know when I was 20 I became an alcoholic! I would drink everyday with my friends after work, on the weekends, on holidays, at parties, at the club...you get the picture. I drank for every occasion! I remember and still talk about this till today to people who drink, that I got so smashed drinking! A group of friends and myself went to Galveston Island and had a bonfire and drank all night long! I partied so hard! However partying and driving don't mix....I drove myself home that night! I DO NOT REMEMBER THAT DRIVE HOME! I for the life of me can not explain how being so smashed I drove safely across a bridge, and down a long stretch of highway...and down a residential area, to park a car 3 blocks from where I lived and then proceeded by foot to walk to my residence and find myself passed out the next morning on the stairs leading up to my bedroom half dressed! People all around and beer bottles and liquor bottle everywhere! But can not remember who, where, when, or what the hell happened to me that night!
I only mention this because I am no longer embarrassed of that night! The point I wanted to make with this story is all of that had to happen to me before I quit drinking! I could not find my car for 3 days! I report it stolen and that is when the police found it parked 3 blocks from where I lived. Alcoholics do alot to themselves before they say enough is enough! For some they never find that rock bottom to hit! I however, consider myself very fortunate!
My journey with the weight is the same, as with alcohol! I see myself as a food junkie! I do not consume large amounts all the time..don't get me wrong I can grub just like the next person but...I find my problem being the food I eat! Loaded with taste...calories...FAT! Nothing good! So now I have to give myself that extra push to see that all food isn't created equal!
Not all taste is good! So after eating those pizzas, I got back to cleaning and then jumped on the treadmill! Today was my day off exercising, but I decided 4 pizzas slices are not worth the fat! I got on for 30 minutes and later before I go to bed will do another 30 minutes! I can not allow that stuff to settle into my body! Out damned pizza!!! Out you go!!!
I cleaned out my closet today as well!!!yay!!! I got rid of half of my wardrobe! Keeping only the things that still fit ok not to loose. I will definitely be needing new clothes! I can't wait!
Well still waiting for news on the biopsies! They took a double biopsy on my uterus and cervix and ovaries on Monday. Last Friday did a biopsy on my stomach. When he did the E.G.D. said it was inflamed and looked a little different so no news from them I suppose is good news! Or isn't that the saying? Well back to cleaning...Gonna dust, dust the pizza out! lol! How can you dust out pizza? Ya'll get up put on your shoes and get walking! Remember your heart will love you for it!

Hello again! Today has been a very productive day for me! I couldn't say the same for yesterday. I went to the doctor for my arthritis in the knees and they gave a lancaide and steroid shot in the knee cap. Man did it hurt and then to make matters worse they actually hit the knee cap with the needle by accident, so it caused more pain! But now I am ok and the Knee isn't acting up anymore. So I guess the pain was well worth it! My last entry I was doubting the husbands again. Well he came home drunk like before. So we had words and I told him that as soon as I am better he can go back to being single! I was better off without the man in my life. Sometimes no matter how hard you try it just doesn't work because you were meant for a different life. I am less judgemental of his actions, after all it isn't like we are involved with one another. We sleep separate, and live life as though we were roommates. I guess I fooled myself into believing he was actually going to change because of my illness. Now with that being said I move on and don't look back. I had a lady come up to me yesterday and ask me to join her herba-life movement to help me loose weight. I just laughed at the lady and began to ask her questions. I ask what was so wonderful about her product and how did it help her to lose weight. She replied with a whole 30minute sprew about how the product was made from natural products and how it made you lose the weight. I let her continue by telling me that she lost 30lbs in 2months without exercise. How she is full of energy and how much it had done for her personally. I laughed again and she ask what I found humorous? So I gave her my reply....I told her how all that stuff was "natural herbs filled w/caffeine or some sort of upper to give her the burst of energy she needed." Then I went on to explain to her the severe damage consuming that type of product could cause in the long run. (I know because an aunt of mine almost died taking that so called natural product.) Then I went on to explain that without serious lifestyle changes and exercise you could not lose the weight without it coming back. She is selling a fad diet for a temporary fix...Dieting and exercise is a lifestyle change, not a temporary fix! To be successful you must, must change your lifestyle! Otherwise when you finish dieting, you will gain all that weight back and more. At the end of conversation I told her about my success and who I accomplished it....She didn't believe me until I showed her a picture of me taken last year. She left me scratching her head and doubting her product.!
My intentions were not to sway her opinion on the product she peddled but to educate her on the real way of losing weight healthy! I am still judged for being overweight. People see me and automatically want to sell me their gimmicks! No thanks! I am 4lbs shy of being 100lbs lighter in a 8month period! To me that is an amazing job in itself! I have done it slowly but steady...On medical supervision and wouldn't have done it any other way! I am still awaiting my date. Surgery is close and to me it can't come soon enough! The days seem to drag on like eternities! NERVES!!!
My family is finally doing well too! Dad went to the doc and finally got meds that help the pain. He is about to undergo surgery his self and I am really nervous about it! But to my surprise I find myself not eating the nerves as before. Instead I jump on the treadmill and blare the music singing until I am literally out of breathe and can no longer sing! LOL! People upstairs must think I am a nut! However it works for now! I am trying to teach myself other ways to deal with the emotional eating. It is hard and long journey still for me, having bad days and days I just can not resist myself! But I
am becoming more aware! Awareness with action! I can honestly say I am walking the talk!
My family is supportive and my son is actually proud of me! So it helps me fuel the soul!
I still have the days where I am my most worst enemy! Trying to sabotage the progress by negativity. Trying to relive the past thru memories of very bad things happening to me. When I do this I just pray...pray for God to get me thru the hard memories and help erase them by new and exciting moments in my life! My life has been full of very dark days now I need some sunshine....I am trying to make that sunshine!!!
I wonder though...how life will be like in the thin world? I call it the thin world because I have never know a reality that wasn't overweight for me! For now that is all I can do is wonder and dream....Work and sweat to get there and listen to the remarks, the chuckles, and glaring eyes of thin people who judge me because I do not look like them. How I hate it...how it feels so bad...how never again will I be this person! This is the last time that I will have to diet...have to struggle...have to be laughed at! I take my life back! No one can take it from me or ridicule me! I take back my dignity, I take back my smile, and my happiness! It belongs to me and no one else! I am taking back my body!!!!!

What a day! I am up waiting for the husband to come home and have a feeling he is back to his old self! I am not sure if he had to work late, or if he is out and about. His phone is off and I can't call him. I hate waiting! This is where most of my eating problems started. 11 years ago! Waiting, eating, wondering! To my surprise it has not affected me as before. This time I just worry that all is well instead of who is he with. I think the last time we separated I emotionally separated myself from him. Not allowing myself to care about who he sees is a big deal to me. 10 years ago I would have had a fit! Not today! To my surprise I did not find myself in the fridge just mindlessly eating to comfort myself. Instead I got on the treadmill for 30 minutes and put on my mp3 player and sang and walked for 30 minutes. Those who are really close to me know how much I love to sing! Not always the best at it but none the less I like to belch it out like no one's business! I find it to be a sort of theraphy! Any how, I finished that and decided to shower early and get on and talk to myself about how I feel about all that is about to happen to me.
I am becoming more and more anxious, and scared about my phase in the journey I am on! I have been medicine free (except my blood pressure pills) for 2 days. Let me tell you that I have been running a fever all day and have felt like I have absolutely no energy. It is so strange how being without your medicine can affect you as much as taking them. I told me dad today I felt like a druggy! Having the withdraws! LOL! He just laughed and said I was being silly. Despite all my yucky feeling I had quite a productive day. Doing the laundry, picking mom from work, going to the grocery store, and watching my two year old nephew. Now I just ant to cral in the bed! My kid is in his room playing the xbox360 and he came in my room to check on me (bless his heart!) He told me I was being too quiet. So he got worried.
I had a dream last night about going on the operating table...lol! It left me quite concerned, but I know that it is just my nerves getting the best of me.
My diet today was better than yesterday! I only consumed 1500 cals and drank 10- 20oz bottles of water. Which is great! However my feet are swollen from fluid retntion. Not allowed to take my pills so my feet are paying the price!
You know I was talking to a friend of mine on the phone and she told me that she was envious of me for having the surgery. I ask her why? She is also obese and said that I was taking the easy way out of all of this. You think????
How can putting your life on the table for someone to touch an easy way out? How can being on a total liquid diet for 7 weeks be easy way out? How is eating puree food for another 6-7 weeks and easy way out? I my friend do not see this as a easy way out! I see it as a stepping stone ( tool) to use on my journey for getting my treatment for cancer. For ridding myself of obstructed sleep apnea, of taking away the high blood pressure, as addressing the orthopedic problems I have, as preventing my heart from giving out or better yet, from preventing me of having a heart attack, or even dying! So no my dear friend it isn't the easy way out! It is harder! You have to have strict discipline, control of yourself and know where you want to go and why. All of the prosedure has to have a bigger purpose for it to work for you. If not it to will fail like every other diet you do! What happens to you after you lose the weight? Then what???? You can gain every single bit and more back!
Then can you tell me that this is an easy way out? Well the man came home. Just walked in so I guess I better go see what the excuse was now. Till tomorrow>....

WELCOME BACK!!! That is what I am telling myself! I came in from the doctors earlier and found myself with nothing to do so since I have been neglecting my blog and so many keep asking me if I will continue it I am back. It feels good to go thru and re-read all those entries. It feels like weight lifted off my shoulders! So much has happened to me since the last time I made an entry. My husband is back home with me. Helping me out with my son and household duties. We seem to have a small sense of normality at home now. (Not between he and I, but just in daily life generally speaking.)Things between he and I are civil for the most part. I can't complain but they are not what a true marriage is. We are not completely together if you know what I am referring to...
My illness is taking it's toll on me. I visit the doctor almost weekly now. My thyroids have quit and my liver is acting up. I am now on synthetic thyroid hormones and it is causing my bp to raise and my heart to race at time. The liver isn't great because of the meds I am taking. However with saying the negative let me get to my ray of sunshine...I am a week away from having gastric bypass surgery done. I go in Friday (this Friday) for an E.G.D. to make sure there is no abnormalities in the throat or stomach. Then surgery....I am excited, scared, anxious, and just down right ready to scream from emotion! It is like waiting for Christmas to come but knowing your not getting anything, just losing a part of you, you so desperately tried to get rid of so many times before. For six months now I didn't grasp the full meaning of this surgery. I thought "I'll have it lose the weight effortlessly and be beautiful afterwards." Then I went to a support group and saw first hand the true sense of what the surgery is really about. Yes it is about the weight but it is also so much more. It is facing all the demons we as obese people carry. The emotions of eating, the depression of failure, the sadness of losing people close to us. It has so many faces, so many disguises! My weight problem stemmed from a young troubled adolescent. It ballooned as a desperate single mother. It will now be defeated as an aware healthy woman! I can honestly sit here and tell myself this. I have lost 90lbs since December. To some that is slow progress. To me it is progress! That is a whole anorexic person. Imagine that?
I honestly think that controlling my emotions is the key to winning my battle. To help me do this I go to a psych. She helps me to analyze things in an order I never saw them. I never in a million years think I would be seeing one but here I am. My emotional problem is bigger than I am. I need to face it head on or all of these tools given to me...the surgery, the counseling, the dieting, the workouts...all of this will be for nothing. It will all come back. That is part of the reason I allowed my husband to move back in. I must face all of my problems with him! For they are the majority of things that keep me where I am at today. I do not wish to be that 481lb woman people keep laughing at. Children stare at, men honking too and make cow noises. No! No more! I am a 400lb woman moving into a new phase in my life, a healthier one, a saner one! So welcome back Rebeca! This feels really good to talk to again! You will definitely see more coming as I work thru the issues and lose more weight.
My current plan is a 1800 cal diet daily consisting of 30grams of protein daily and over 1/2 of rest veggie intake! I am cutting most of the carbs except w/ complex carbs like Sweet potatoes and other veggies or whole grains that actually have purpose in my body. My rule is if I eat it, it must have something of nutrients, or function to my diet. What does the food I put into my body do for my body? Makes you think about why we eat what we eat! Also I take a 30-45 walk on my new treadmill. Do shimmy, and every other day an oldie but goodies..."Sweating to the oldies!" My all time fave workout dvds! If you mix it up you will not be bored and are more inclined to keep on the journey we are on. If you do the same thing day in and day out...you are more likely to fail yourself w/ no motivation! Come on put those shoes on and hit the ground! I know I am!
P.S. To Maureen....Thank you! You made me remember just why I started writing this in the first place! Know I am here for you always!

Hello! It's been a couple days since I have blogged. I really need to become inspired to write again. I have been having trouble keeping with the diet this week. It all started very well but ended with cake and pizza! With the weigh-in less than a few days away I feel like I let myself down. Mom's birthday was on Saturday and we bought her one of those really delish cakes /the fruit and whipped toppings. I just couldn't resist! Knowing that my surgery is less than 1 1/2 month away...and knowing that I will never be able to eat that kind of cake again...I indulged myself! Now I am truly regretting it!
Then today...my son made me mad! We were suppose to meet my family at the beach for fun in the sun, but instead he threw himself a tantrum and refused to go. Then my ex came over and it was all she wrote....
My day was ruined! Didn't do the workout, didn't follow the diet and then they brought back pizza. Since I just felt like giving up...I ate the pizza. 3 slices!!!!
Now I want to cry. I feel the heaviness of the food. It is a strange thing to explain but when you eat unhealthy you actually feel the heaviness of the food. I had never felt that before. I am glad I did though. Had I not I might have been inclined to eat more pizza.
When "he" left I went to my room and my son came in to apologize to me for his behavior. It still didn't change the fact that for one little tantrum my whole day was thrown for a loop.
I need to learn still to control my emotions better. Still not possessing all the tools necessary to get to the end of the road, I hit a speed bump every now and again. I think we all do. After all I am only human. I was reminded about many things today.
1. Not to beat myself up for something I did. (my psych doc told me we will all fall back from time to time. It is the ability to stop yourself and the ability to recognize you have committed an error that separates us.) The healthy learning, from the obese person inside us. I was rewatching a Ruby episode today. The one where her therapist told her to change 5 things. Well I realized when she spoke of mirrors, it made me think hard. I have the same problem many others do. I don't see myself all that fat. Only when my clothes are off and I am bathing or changing do I truly recognize how enormous I am.
It is a strange complex I suppose but I want to change this image I have of myself.
When my christian friend sat me in front of the mirror all those years ago, when my marriage was on it's last leg, I still didn't see how large I truly was. It took a family photo and a long full mirror in the bathroom to make me see how i truly was. I still hide that photo till this day. I can not bare to look at it. I feel so enormous!
I am trying to bring myself to take it out and place it on the fridge. Then when I go to get something out to eat I will be conscientious about what I eat. I'm not quite to that point yet.
You know it is funny how I can sit here and type in my life history to you. However I can not hang up 1 little photo for fear of what people would say if they saw it. Talk about weird!!!!
Let's just hope that this week is better for me. I am going to bed! Dreaming of a healthier day!

I was rereading my blog today and started laughing! I made my husband seem so sinister! If you knew the man you know that I think I was speaking with anger. Which still comes up from time to time! I forgot to tell everyone when I found out I was ill we had our divorced reversed and he offered me his insurance coverage. We still live separately, see each other almost daily, and get along very well---as long as we do not live together. So no the man isn't just all bad! People ask me am I married....in the technical sense yes, but in the "real sense" NO! We have been married legally for 10 yrs. going on 11! So not all bad comes from this man. I could tell you that not all those years were bad but, there were more bad than good. So if my "husband" is reading this too I am sorry for portraying you as the bad person. It works both ways. I gave up on our marriage the same way you cheated on me. So I think we are the same.
In saying that I want to say "WELCOME TO A NEW DAY!"
My life has been renewed and refreshed by this journey. Someone ask me today what my secret to weight loss was. I told them a few thing that I felt to be important.
1. Taking baby steps in your journey. Don't be in a rush to get to be a healthier you. If you do you probably will regain your weight for not having gotten the "full" journey and life change.
2. It isn't a diet. It is a life style change! I can not stress that enough. I am not on any diet. I am changing the way I eat and the way I shop, the way I prepare my food.
3.Get up and move! You must be active! If not you will not tone or tighten your body. Lean muscle mass burns more calories that fat does. So as long as you incorporate some strength training into your workouts you will keep burning calories all day long.
I have been on this journey for a total of almost 8 months. Having lost a grand total of 81 pounds. That is like 9-10lbs a month. My doctor tells me that a realistic goal of 5lbs a month is a healthy weight loss goal. Dropping large amounts of weight rapidly can be damaging to you organs as well as the body. I would be happy just losing a pound! As long as I know it will never return!
I have learned alot from alot of different sources. Some doctors, other trained professionals, some fellow journey seekers (as myself.) Knowledge is a large pool! I lucky enough to be able to swim in it!
I am going to try to keep up daily again and post some quick tips and notes for those who keep asking me. Again, I am not a professional by any sense but I am learning and feel really good about the road I am on. Confidence is the key to everything! If you have no confidence in yourself then you will fail yourself over and over again. Believe you can! You will achieve! Thank you to everyone for the words of encouragement! Those are the fuel to my soul and the drive that I need to keep me going when I feel like I just can't go anymore! Till tomorrow....keep smiling, you are beautiful, and keep moving forward!!!

O.M.G. That's how I need to start this blog!
Why does everyone in my life who read this blog yesterday have an opinion! Look people plain and simple I need to say something before I blog today. This part of my life is OVER. I am not on jerry springer or maury povich show. I am simply writing this to remind myself why I ate the way I did. Why I was so heavy and how not to repeat my mistake! You all can take it as you want! You didn't live my fucking life! You didn't have any part except the side lines. I lived the horror and embarrassment! Not you! So no it isn't too personal to write my life in a blog. Maybe just maybe someone else can learn from my dumb mistake and not repeat it! So if you like it, fine! If you don't, then don't read! Just that simple! This is for me not you!
Now that that part is over I can get back to my horrific truth! My marriage ended! He left me for her and I was at my heaviest point in life! My friend stuck by my side! Thru the thick and the thin! I actually fell in love this person. However being the trauma I suffered I shy out of making a move on this wonderful man! He is now engaged to be married to a very beautiful person! So I am happy for him! I think I was in love with what he was and not who he was. He showed me that I counted even though I thought I didn't. He was a true friend in every sense!
Then two years ago at work weighing 481lbs. bearly able to perform my job, I began to hemorrhage. I was rushed to the E.R. and admitted to the hospital. After two days of testing a doctor came in and started to ask me some very personal questions. About sex, about my menses, about my having children and then without warning came the bomb! He told me they had found cancer in my cervix and uterus. That I needed a specialist A.S.A.P! They stabilized my bleeding and sent me home! The next few days I spent in a deep depression! Pity for myself in disbelief! Finally in my next hemorrhaging episode(which was only in 3 days laters) I decided to seek help! Went to look for a doctor at one of the best cancer centers in the U.S. M.D.Anderson!
Their I felt discriminated on because of my weight! I know I wasn't, that they are just doing their job but it has been two years and all they are doing is managing the cancer not treating it. I was told by my oncologist that the benefits of surgery were not optimal for me at this weight. That and the other health issues I have prevent me from getting the much needed hysterectomy. So now I am on a journey to losing this weight for good! My life depends on it!
The husband...well he comes to visit me from time to time to see his son and we get along! It will never be the same for me! I view people differently because of him. I know it isn't fair to everyone, but I have trust issues! Even with family!
Which should not be!
My story was vaguely outlined...I just told you about the things I can talk about for now. There is soooo much more! Stuff that I still can't face! That I am working thru...progress...a word that best describes me today...progress! I have a long way to go and such a short time to get there! If you met me on the street you would have never known any of this to happen. You'd see a "seemly happy fat person." I am not happy!!!! I haven't been since I was 29! Now at 37 that seems like a far away time ago. However long ago the wounds are still present! I am working thru it now, not eat thru it! That is the big difference now! Food no longer is a comfort to me. I see it as a drug. I am mindful and selective of what I put into my mouth!
Please excuse the beginning of my blog today! I have some very stiff critics out here. Some related, others just close to me. But they need to know that I will not let my past cripple my present! NOR AM I EMBARRASSED OF THE LIFE JOURNEY I HAVE FACED THUS FAR. Look at what I have been thru and still I have survived! I will continue to do so!