Having a what would seem rather normal day! Yesterday seemed like it was a full moon in my house! Someone came by to visit and what started as a simple conversation soon turned into a heated debate. It was weird to say the least! I wasn't the one upset by the conversation it was the other person. Those who know me, know I am a very patient and laid back person. It would take quite a bit to make me mad or upset! Of course I vent every now and again, but who doesn't! I am learning that not all people who I am acquainted are thrilled by my weight loss. In fact, they see it as a threat to them. How could that be? I have no earthly idea! I am not superwoman or anything spectacular! I am just meager ole' me! So why anyone would see me or my weight loss a threat is beyond me. I am going in a direction which is clearly marked in sand! If you love me and respect me for who I am as a person then be happy for me! I am in this for health and longevity of life. Not to make myself look sexier or try to compete with anyone for a man. Honey if you only knew I am so over it! After my ex I'd rather just be BY MYSELF! My son is all the company I'll need for a long time to come! Yes I have gentlemen friends as well as lady friends but people they are just that friends! I don't have to answer to no one except GOD! I like this way. So why people would see me as a threat, I have no clue.
Getting past this incident, the night turned out to be rather nice and I went to bed early! Woke up like a new me! I went to a doctor today and was thrilled to see him take me off a medication. Yes people 1 gone and many more to go! My blood count still isn't where it needs to be and now my lymph nodes are acting up, but I am still blessed! I remember a time (not so long ago) when I could barely move around in my house. Not being very mobile brings a whole mess of problems with it! I was finding that even basic necessities were becoming a chore. I am glad and proud I can say that is no longer the case! I walked yesterday afternoon for 1hr! Yes people! "1hr" to me this is an accomplishment in it's self! I remember that it took me about 3 weeks just to tolerate only a 5minute walk. So I am proud of myself even if other are not! I am about to start a water aerobic class this coming week and am very excited to go.
On Monday I have a weigh in! I am looking forward to that too. I started the tip from the biggest loser about changing my food around. I am still keeping a journal and counting calories. So I haven't changed that. I have only changed the kinds of breakfast, lunch and dinners I have. One morning I have a protein shake and fruit,a normal lunch and dinner. The next day I have bran cereal or fiber cereal w/skim milk and a protein shake and fruit, with a normal dinner. The next day normal breakfast and lunch and a protein shake for dinner. I have protein shakes because I don't like them and I am trying to get adjusted to tasting them for prep for my surgery. That is why I incorporate them into my diet. So we will see if this tip paid off or not. I know I have lost more weight because I tried on a pair of jeans I had that didn't fit and now they do. I am just anxious to see how much! I would mind even if it were one pound! I am just happy to the little simple things I can do without help now! Things other people take for granted! They were hard task for me. Now they are becoming easier and easier! Like I told my psych doctor, "I refuse to be that 481lb lady I was in November and December! I will NOT GO BACK TO BEING THAT PERSON EVER!!!!"

Today is absolutely frustrating! I find it ironic that yesterday I used an analogy of a car working correctly in reference to dieting and then today my vehicle starts acting up! Talk about fate! Now I have to take it to a shop or let my little brother take a look at it.
That still didn't bother me as much I think as would in the past. I missed Ruby and biggest loser this week on t.v. However am grateful I did! I was outside moving around with my son and his buddies! So I didn't miss nothing! I love watching both programs don't get me wrong, but the exercise was much more rewarding than watching a t.v. show. I have now officially signed into my local YMCA! So yeah for me! I will be taking water aerobic classes and having the use of the facility gym! That to me is awesome! If nothing else happens I know for a fact that I will be walking indoors as well as out and now with the water aerobics....I hope to gain some strength and muscle back! I have also began this eek to implement the tip from the biggest loser about changing it up. I go for a weigh in on Monday! So wish me luck! We will see if that tip is true for anyone or just for the players on the ranch. I am amazed how every time I go for a weigh in it is a double digit loss! However, I don't weigh myself weekly like most of you do. I find it more rewarding to do it 2x a month.So in reality I am losing from 5-8lbs weekly. Which to me is still good! I'll take 1 pound! Anything is better than nothing at this point!:)
The dietitian I am seeing say that a normal weight loss expectancy of 5lbs a month is realistic. (You can lose 5 lbs lady! I want as much as it to come off as I can!) I push myself harder and harder each to week to accomplish new goals and set a higher standard for myself! It is becoming easier and easier to make the "right" choices in food as well as in activities! Still I am not convinced! People Rome wasn't built in a day! I can't just sit here and say it's easy peasy lemon pie! Because I'd be lying out my ass if I did! My weakness still include making good choice while away from my house and I still have to work on alot of personal issues that wait in the hallway as I come down this long corridor. So don't think because I blog and am positive that I have any secret answers or tricks! I am learning from you all! Which to me is the fun part of this journey! The highs and lows of weight loss can take it's toll on someone without a positive attitude to hold your hand thru it all. Smile people we've been thru worse.....Some of us more than others! Get your shoes on, grab a water bottle or drink and take 15 minutes from your busy life to get up and out! You will be so glad you did!

Today's adventure lead me to the past!.....
That is how I want to start this blog today! Hello, today has been a very emotional day for me! I have cried more today than I have in the last five years put together! Believe me when I say that is a hell of alot of crying! I had an appointment today with the pschy. doc. It is part of a requirement for my bariatric surgery from my insurance. I had what seem to be an eye opening experience! I've learned that my eating habits were emotional! I already knew they were but, when you hear someone else tell you what they hear and see it puts a new perspective on things. This month has been full of roller coasters for me as well as my son! I mention him because all this affects him as much as it does me. My education to a healthier lifestyle is being implemented in my house so now our food choices have changed. The physical aspect of our lives have changed as well. Now I think we are working on the emotional. I have had many demons I had to face today in retrospect to my past relationships. How my first relationship failed because of alcoholism and infidelity, and how I never even gave my second relationship a try. I found the reasoning for this to me at the time to be rational,but it wasn't! This wonderful christian man stood before me with his heart in hand and all I could was runaway! Why you ask? I stood there asking myself the same question and for fear was my answer. One bad experience and illness closed me off from doing the right thing. I found that all this stuff was tied into my eating problem. It wasn't what I was eating,...rather what was eating me. Do you understand? I fed this problem for five years! I didn't indulge in large amounts of food as some people think fat people do. I just ate at the wrong times and the wrong kinds of food. Poor choices in life also meant poor choices in food! Now I reflect on all that I have been thru and the people who I hurt and who hurt me and I grew from the experience. I see my mistakes and my low points but, in the same I saw some high points too. Not all my past was filled with negativity. I had wonderful experiences along the way as well! Now reflecting I will learn not to repeat my mistake and to go another direction when I feel I have strayed off the beaten path. Food is a powerful thing people! I've learned that! It can be for some people as powerful as love! I am privileged to say it wasn't or will never be for me but, again everyone isn't then same. I feel like can full circle this month with myself. I've grown-up in a sense. That's hard to say when you are 37,however true it maybe! When on this road to a healthier person you see things and hear things and do things never imagined! I've gained so much thus far and yet I have so far to go!!!!!!!!!!!

I have a few minutes as I sit here and write this....
I am so tired of drama! From family, from friends and especially from ex's! I live a very crazy life as it is! Why complicate things more? It is my opinion that people create drama just for negative attention. Let it go!!!! If God truly wanted that for you whatever the circumstance he would of made it yours. I was having a great day until someone decided to have a brain fart! People think before reacting! Rationalize your actions before it's out there. Then it might save you some embarrassment!Before had this situation happened to me I probably would have gone hid in some restaurant and eat. Now I can just laugh! No more stress for me! No more! You do what you got to do to make yourself noticed or felt loved. I'll keep my sanity and dignity! I am working my way thru my hardships now! Not eating thru them! No one has control over me like that no more! All I want to say is grow up! You don't hurt no one but yourself!

Good morning everyone! As I sit here typing this out to you I was remeinded of why I write my blog! Someone made a snide remark to me and told me what did I think I was accomplishing by writing a blog noone follows? My response to that is....ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! I am not here to accomplish something, I am here to remind myself of what I have been thru. How not to repeat those same mistake! If someone happens onto my blog and chooses to follow (or not)that is great! If they can take from me and apply it to them,that's great! If they can see my mistakes and avoid them, that's great! Then I feel great about creating this blog,but that wasn't my intent of this. I am not a doctor, nor any kind of professional trying to give advice. I am a OBESE woman trying to live in a thin man's world. I am trying to learn a new healthier lifestyle. I am trying to become the healther version of me! I am not giving anyone diet secrets or anything like that! If I knew them do you think I would look the way I do? I am learning people just like you! The only difference in me and the persons who make those remarks is, that I like to share my personal experience and journeys. So that if it works someone else can do it just like I am! So call it what you will people but this blog is for selfish reasoning! With that being said I feel better now! I read some people's blogs and info online and see that is always some kind of catch to them or gimmick. At the end of their testominals they try to sell you something they have created....NOT ME!
This is just me like said before raw,natural and uncut! Thank you if you do read this and I hope it does help in some ways. I know when I read other peoples journeys I learn from them and apply it to my own personal experiences. I have come a long way and yet the journey hasn't really begun yet.
I have so much to do today and yet I sit here with all the calm in the world! I'm in no rush. It will be there later too. I have learned from my illness not to be in such a haste. Relax and slow down! Enjoy life's little things, simple things that other people take for granted. I use to be in a hurry to get everywhere. Now I am not. The same terms I am coming with food. I use to sit and eat dinner watching t.v. Not anymore!!!!!
We turn off the t.v. and sit together while eating dinner. I've learned to enjoy chewing my food to savor the flavor,instead of just eat it! I am in progress people! I'm loving the new me! My new habits are refreshing and they make me feel more alive now then I have ever been! Can't wait to see what they day holds for me!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG!!!! Today I reached a milestone for myself! I have reached my pre-surgery goal! I've lost a total of 58 lbs people! You don't know how proud of myself I am! It feels good and I want it to continue. This feeling is like a drug! I wish I could bottle up this emotion and sell it to everyone. That way they know exactly how it feels to be truly happy! The sweat, hard work, and classes are paying off! I know this will be the last time I will ever be this heavy in my life! That happy fat girl is going bye-bye people! The new me is coming into season and staying from now on! Something interesting I learned today though. Change however scary it may seem can be a blessing in disguise. Remember I told you about my insurance problems? Well I just met what seem to me like the best doctor ever! Very attentive and very thorough. I had a very great first visit with her. Believe it or not, I wouldn't mind going back to see her if I had to. I can't say that about my other doctors. So I had a great day. You should have seen me when I go on the scale....At first I was very scared....then when I saw the numbers I started clapping for myself almost in tears and nurse began to laugh. She asked me why was I happy? I explained my weight with her and she commended me for the hard work. I thought to myself if you only truly knew. She was a beautiful thin lady, so how could she know?
I was watching the biggest loser episodes on demand that I had missed before yesterday night and learned quite a few tips from this program too. I am inspired by Michael who started the show at 529 and is now 3--?,but more amazing can RUN, YES RUN 5 miles on the treadmill. I think to myself if he can so can I! One of the tricks I learned from this show is they say to mix up your diet. Always counting calories is a must! However just because you are counting calories doesn't mean to always eat the same food or in the same manner. That is when your body begins to trigger it's defense mechanism to start storing fat. Instead change it up. One morning have a light breakfast and normal rest of day. One day make it your lunch that is light. Then try the dinner the next time. Always allow one day to eat one meal that you absolutely miss, but in moderation! Your body will always be guessing what your trying to do thus keeping the metabolism high. Not to mention that one day you get to eat your faves will make it less likely you ill slip from your diet because your allowing your taste buds to have something familiar and satisfying. I haven't tried that theory out yet,but I think I will! Another thing I've learned is to try to eat a high fiber breakfast so that it keeps you full longer thus eating less. You are less likely to crave or snack unhealthy things in between meals! I've done something crazy lately. This is my method of keeping myself full....when I think I am hungry between meals I've started carrying a small container of fruit pieces or veggies in it (like you did with your kids.) My purse is big enough to fit a small childproof container inside so I am fortunate enough to be able to do this. This trick plus always keeping water close to me keeps those craving at bay. Now as to the physical part...... that is another story for me. I am slowly increasing my physical activity! I've started to do (your gonna laugh) the program called sit and be fit, whenever I can. Plus the walking and I am looking into joining the local YMCA for a water aerobic class. My doctor suggested it today. I love swimming! I don't love being in a bathing suit but they are respectful to "big" people or so I'm told. So as I increase my mobility I am sure that my pounds will fall off! Until then let's work hard together!
VERY PLEASED WITH TODAY!!

Today was just a normal day for me. Nothing out of the ordinary happened! My normal walks in the morning and the evening. The same diet as the day before. So why do I feel more confident today than I did yesterday? Maybe the fact that I put on a pair of pants that I hadn't wore in about a year. Yes a year! I look at myself in the mirror and I can not believe watch I see. I am on my way to a better healthier me. I read other peoples stories and it motivates me even more! To know there are people who struggled with so much more than I have and won. Gives me hope. It puts a light in my tunnel. I sit looking back into my life and trying to reflect my reasons for eating and I discover so many skeletons in the closet. I was once told be a doc that it stems from early childhood and in my case I do believe she was right. I try to analyze all that happen to me and how I responded to the situation (kinda like rewinding a tape.) I see many things that I couldn't then. It took becoming ill and being on my own completely to see what needed to be fixed. I am fixing me now! I am not looking for something to cover up the broken me and putting a happy face just so people think I was happy. I am natural, uncut, and raw! The way God intended for me to see me! I like this new me! I like waking up everyday with a sense that I am creating and molding the new and improved Rebeca Bothi! The one that should have been there to begin with. Not the fat happy girl with child and husband or the happy fat girl dating looking for someone to love her as is! I am now the real me trying to do for me and my son only! Loving yourself is one of the most important tools you need on this journey. If you have no love for yourself then nothing will happen! No weight loss, no love from other, no future! You will be stuck in mud just wallowing in self pity and shame! Don't let that shame and distorted self image get the best of you! We are better than that! This is a long and steep road to climb, but when you get to the top man, oh man! I know it will be worth all my hard effort! I may seem conceded to some, but I do love myself! Enough to create this blog to help remind myself how much I am worth even when many just see the fat! How I dislike that word, FAT! I go tonight with on thought in my mind....I can do it! We will do it!!!!

Tuesday April 20,2010
Today was not a good day for me. I received a call in the morning from M.D.Anderson. The lady who was calling me was calling to cancel my appointment with them. I was thrown for a loop. At first I thought ok maybe the doc got sick but as our conversation continued she explained to me that the insurance that I have decided they were now considered "out of network." I've only been going to this hospital for a year now people! How can you sit there and decide one day without notice "oh, let's make this out of network now." You can't just do that! They did! Now I am faced to looking for a new oncologist and all other doctors that I was seeing at this wonderful facility. I spent all day looking for new doctors at a same facility so I wouldn't be driving around all of Houston. Challenging to say the least!! After a long day on the phone and Internet finally found what seems to be a good doctor with a great rep and affiliated to a great hospital. I'm tired! Not physically but mentally drained! Spending all day thinking that I would have to repeat alot of those test, just made my skin shiver! Maybe I need to see this in a positive manner instead of a negative one though. Maybe, just maybe the doctor I will see now can do something for me. As where the other one wanted to wait. I have lost quite a bit of weight since my first diagnoses. So maybe with a reevaluation I could be receiving treatment for my cancer sooner than I think. I could only pray so! I never lose my faith that it could be! I find myself looking into the mirror more often. No not to see how much I've lost...but to remind myself "girl you've come a long way and you still have a battle at hand!" Yesterdays temptation was enough to keep me motivated for quite some time now. Life here at home has changed a little too. My son and I seem to be making a new bond. We are very close now don't get me wrong,but our walks in the afternoons are a great tool for communication between us. I am learning so many things we wouldn't have shared before because I was stuck on the sofa watching t.v. Being physical definitely has it bonus! I've seen him lose a little belly fat as well. He was never obese, but he could have stood to lose like 10lbs. Now he has! Getting outside with me has helped us both! I am very pleased! Now if I could just get him to change his eating habits too...it would be a recipe for a very healthy adulthood! He loves his comfort foods(what kid doesn't?) I'd like to change the kind of food he calls his comfort food,but first I have to work on ME! Lead by example is what I always say and they will follow! Those who know my kid know that he really is the one true love of my life! That is why I push myself harder each day! So that I may live a healthier lifestyle and be able to do so much more with him. Our dream is to go traveling to the Caribbean and to Paris. At the current weight I am now I wouldn't even dream of stepping onto a plane. It would be too humiliating for me. So I wait and keep dreaming. With every pound I lose, with every inch that goes away our dream becomes clear and clearer.....until one day I know it will be our reality! Then I will surely blog to you from our vacation! With pictures so you can see us as well. Until then I sweat and work hard....

Monday April 10,2010
Today was ok! Not the best day of my life thus far but not the wort one either! I went shopping for some fresh produce at the local HEB and was almost tempted to buy a cake fromt the bakery. My nephew was with me and for a moment there almost lost it! I could see my self reaching out to grab it and then i snapped! What was I buying a cake for? Just because it looked good? Just because it smelled good? Just because it was on sale? No people i didn't buy the darn cake! It mad me so mad at myself to think it could of been over in a few seconds and a purchase. I have to be on my best behavior i thought to myself and instead bought myself one of those protein chocolate bars. YUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That is all I have to say about those things! I can not see how anyone can eat those things. I'd rather starve than eat that! After we came back from the store I made myself some delicious fruit salad! That help take the sugar cravings away. I don't even want to call them cravings. That was just a second of weakness. We all have those moments and you'd be lying if you said you didn't. The difference is we knowing what to do if we do! I almost gave in to my weakness but I have faith that I can alway think before I react! I know one day at a time is all we can do!So that is all i do too... Nice and slow is the way to go!!!!!!

Sunday April 18,2010
I didn't blog yesterday due to a full day with my son. I just finished watching Ruby and found myself crying during the show. I ask myself why? Only to answer myself that it stirs up alot of emotions inside of me of my own realizations of why I am the way I am. I think had it not been for my illness I would have lived out my life as a happy fat girl (or so it seem so.) Not really being happy to the fact that I could not participate life to the fullest. I am nervous! I see her struggle with the five pounds she gained and know eventually it happens to us all. What will I do when this day comes for me? Do I have the strength I need to be able to continue and not just give in? I don't know if I do. My heart tells me I do,but my will is something else. I think the tears came from memories of my brother too. Seeing how hard it was for Denny reminded me of my brother Paul and my cousin Lisa. I lost my brother Paul almost 5years ago to drug overdose. If I shared his story it would take me forever to explain. My brother was a follower and fell into the wrong crowd. Long story lost his life by being naive and trusting the wrong people. I was given the obligation of planning his final arrangements and try to comfort my parents(for he was the youngest of 7.) I don't think I'll ever be the same after that! Then when my cousin Lisa died this past year I saw myself there! It as weird! I don't think I can explain it to anyone to say I saw myself dead when it is your cousin laying there. People would think you crazy. Then stand by her grave side I was flooded with the emotions of my brother all over again and broke down crying. My therapist says I suppressed all my emotions to the point they could no longer be contained. I don't know if this is true all I know I had a break down. Getting back to how it pertains to now and my battle with food...
After my cousin died(from complications of breast cancer) I became afraid to eat! Knowing that all her problems were similar to mine only different in certain aspects it scared me. That could be me! It would be me if I didn't change myself. Then the news from the doctors that told me they could do nothing for me till i lost the weight was the breaking point for me! To know you are a ticking time bomb and could die from any reason easily at any giving time is hard! I have several medical conditions all due to my obesity. Still not wanting to have the gastric bypass for fear. Finally it took my doctor to lay it out there for me to understand it completely! THE BIG PICTURE! If no weight as lost no treatment for my cancer. No treatment for my cancer means I would surely die! It was just a matter of when. Not only was the cancer affecting me , but also the sleep apnea has gotten so bad I need an oxygen supplement to go with it. As if that were not enough I also had the hypertension with mitral regurgitation to top it off. So I could go at anytime for any of these reasons. That scared the hell out of me! (excuse my french) My boy is only 8 about to be 9 in may...to think he would grow up without his mom was more than I could bare. So I decided to do the gastric bypass to get the weight to drop as soon as possible and even then I know it could be to late, but I will not give up trying. So I think that is what made me cry during the program knowing that all of this effects my eating habits and effects the people who surround me! I know I was a burden to my kid at 481lbs. Asking him to help me with simple thing I couldn't even do for myself. He has told me so! which made me cry! How could I do that to him? To my family who had to help me do alot with my daily activities because I wasn't that mobile. It's enough to hate yourself for it but it takes communication and tons of tears to help make that guilt go away. Even then it stills lingers in the back of my mind. I have a lot of demons I know I must still face... I face them one at a time and slowing trying to process why each of them are there and what I need to do to make then go away...or rather better. If you have this problem you understand how I feel and why I feel the way I do. Knowing what to do about it is the next step. With love and support it can all be possible!! Not to mention hard work from yourself! I am proud to have come as far as I have. I couldn't imagine last December I would be at the weight I am now. But look at me!!!!! Here I am!!!!

Good Morning! It is April 16,2010. Today started as usual in the same manner as always but then I ran into an old friend of mine in the drugstore. I haven't seen this person in about 4 years. I could not believe that she looked so good! The last time I saw her she weighed around 400lbs I would say now she is down to 132! I was flabbergasted! Speechless! I ask her secret and she told me she joined weight watchers and curves. She lost a total of 150 the first year and afterward it was slow. She told me the secret to the weight loss for her was the exercise. It encouraged me and made me feel hopeful! I spoke with her for about 25 minutes then we parted. I couldn't help but think that could be me! It will be me!! I have a greater desire to do this no more than ever! At 37 weighing 433 is not something I imagined for myself! Not in a million years. I was always told you have a beautiful face and great personality..What about the rest of me? Did it not count? I want to here your great altogether! Not just be a pretty face! So my goal for today is to walk for 30 minutes in the morning and in the evening. Every minute counts! They all add up!

Thursday April 15,2010
I think everyone is entitled to have a bad day every now and again. Today was mine! I babysat my nephew at my fathers house and the kid had super powers (i swear he did!) I have never encountered a child with such energy to burn and then some! I wish i could bottle some of that up and drink myself! As I leave to go pick up my son from school i am reminded just how fat i am again! I was at the red light and two thin women were staring and laughing at me. I felt bad for them. And for a minute for myself... You can easily slip back into those feelings you had that made you where you were. I refuse to go back to being that spineless person again. What do they know about me? Nothing!!! So how can they sit there and judge me on my appearance. If they knew me personaly they would see that i am a very nice person and easy to get along with. Fun and beautiful! But they can't see past the weight. How sad! My kid gets into the car and we drive home. He is telling me how his day went but,my mind wonders to that red light. Why? I can't seem to shake that image. You know something i will use it to my advantage though. I will use that negative energy to a positive channel. This can help me to work even harder! It lights the fire even higher than ever because it upsets me how people are ignorant to others feelings. My son one day came to me and said he did not want to wear shorts because his calves were fat. FAT!!! Here is a normal 8 year old boy saying his calves were fat. It made me upset. I ask him why he thought this way? He replied that one of his schoolmates made a comment about how his calves jiggled when they ran the track. Since this comment my son became self conscious about his body. I became even more upset and told him "we are who we are because God gives us the body we have,but you care for body as a temple and take pride in how you present yourself to others. Some people will always judge you no matter what you look like, but in all sweetie you look fine!" He replied "what do you do when people call you fat?" I smiled and told him "i pray for them." He then asked me "Why?" I replied "so that they can one day see with unbiased eyes, and stop judging people on their appearance only." He smiled!
After that he told me "I think i will wear my shorts afterall mom, and if they say something i will tell them they need to find God." I laughed and told him "you do that sweetie, you do that!"
In my journey with weight loss I have become more spirtual. I do not attend church regular,nor do i belong to a specific denomination. However, i do have a strong belief and great sense of the after life. I use this to help guide me thru all my hard times. So i guess today would be no different! Let God guide me and deliver me from forked tongues! Afterall i am a beautiful person inside and working on the outside!

Hello everyone. Today is Wednesday, April 14,2010. As I sit in the waiting room waiting to be seen by the doctor I think to myself what else? What else is he going to tell me? I often have been told by my doctors that you should have a great relationship with your doc in order to get optimal treatment. I am just tired of seeing them! Giving away blood isn't my thing either, and i have to give them blood every time I come. The same routine every time! I am just done with this and yet I still haven't begun. Does that even make sense? Sure it does...I haven't even begun the journey to treatment of my cancer for the journey I am on of weight loss. I have to lose weight in order for the docs to be able to do something, anything to my cancer. That makes me mad.!!! It will be two years since my diagnoses already and still nothing. All I know is I can not give up! Never!!! My son needs me and I have too much in life that i enjoy! I am not ready to give in nor ready to quit trying! My life has never been an easy one nor do i expect it to ever be. That is what gives me strength to keeping going day after day. On that same aspect I look around and I see so many other people much more ill than myself. I count my blessings! I can walk,sometimes with pain but I can walk! I see people hooked up to I.Vs and all sorts of machines. I am not! Another blessing! I guess I really can not complain nor feel sorry for myself. I just hold my head high and smile. Say hello to everyone and know everything will be alright! My diet has been going great! I am trying to adjust my pallet to those nasty chalky protein drinks that I will have to drink after surgery. I have been substituting breakfast with one shake and eat a normal lunch and dinner. A friend suggested I join Weight Watchers. I am seriously thinking about it! I have joined a small group on face book to help support one another on weight loss. I find this most rewarding because it makes me accountable to them as well as myself. It makes me so much more aware of what I put into my mouth. I think if I join the Weight Watchers program my eating habits can change! I already know why I ate the way I did and what my weight was protecting me from. I now must learn how to change this pattern so I think between the docs and the program I will learn this new behavior needed! I actually parked my own car today and walked the garage instead of taking advantage of the valet parking! I even parked far from the store yesterday and took the extra walk too! Just like Ruby said baby steps add up. She inspires me so much! I see myself in her! It is hard to explain but I know that her struggle is the same as mine only different in certain areas. I encourage everyone to watch her program on Style.

April 13,2010...Today thus far has been a good day for me. Not great just good. Full of activity and running around. I did some grocery shopping and what normally took me 30 minutes to do before now takes me 1hour and 30 minutes. I started reading labels! You would be surprise to find what goes into some of the food we consume. I made a new rule for myself. If it sounds like a chemistry lab then don't eat it! Too much sodium, don't eat it! Too much sugar?Don't eat it! Don't get me wrong, there are still plenty of foods i will eat but it has incorporated a lot more fresh fruit and veggies. No red meat! I am not a fan of red meat(bad experience!)My goal to become more active is staying true. I feel the difference in my mobility! I just wish i could see the difference in the scale too! I'm sure that will come soon too! I don't know what compelled me to talk about what I did yesterday but I did and now I feel better about it! You know I am a fan of Ruby Gettinger. She said something that made me think! She said that we all have to know why we have issues with food. I've learned that mine was for comfort! I do not consume large portions. My downfall was that I love to cook and eat at the same time! I love to entertain and always nibbling here and there can add up especially if it is fatty foods and your calorie burn isn't burning even half of what you intake. That plus years of fad dieting, all of that has killed my metabolism. So now with my cancer I don't have the luxury of losing the weight on my time. TIME!!! Something I don't have a lot of right now. Each passing day is another day this stuff grows inside of me. So when they told me that I had to get a gastric bypass I was reluctant to do so but eventually gave in. Now I am struggling to take off the 30lbs required to do this surgery. I have 6months to complete this without postponing my surgery. Wish me luck! I know I will complete this and even more if try hard enough! I will.....

Monday again! It is April 12,2010 and to my surprise I awoke with tons of enthusiasm. Which for me is rare beyond rare on a Monday morn. I reread the blogs that i started earlier last week and I want to clarify something for those who know me. When I refer to a love of a good man, I as not referring to my ex-husband. A nice, gentle, and handsome christian man happened into my life one day. Since that day I have not been the same. He taught me to love myself for who I am! He taught me that I count for something, for everything! That I have a voice to be heard and beautiful face to be seen. I never really thanked this gentleman for doing this to me. For the life he awoke inside of me! For turning on the fire to my soul! So I want to take this opportunity to do so now! Thank you from the bottom of my heart for the love you awoke in me so many years ago. Even though for fear our lives never really connected as I thought God had intended, I know that if he was meant to be we would eventually reconnect. Maybe I am a bit naive, but I believe in fate and destiny. This person was and is the most loving person I have know! Yet he is still single. I wonder why sometimes? A great catch like that would have been gone along time ago so why is he still there? FATE? Who knows only time will tell! All I can say people if I get another chance I don't think I would blow it this time. When I became ill with my cancer I pushed him away, because I knew that he wanted children of his own. So I backed away quietly. Feeling sorry for myself and falling into a depression. I knew the very thing he wanted ,I would not be able to give him. So I hid from the world and turn to food for comfort. I gained quite a bit! Which only worsened my condition and prolonged my treatment. Now I am back on the road he put me on!Ready to fight for my life! When the doctors told me that they could not operate because of my weight it as like slapping me hard in the face! How could I have become this large? Without ever REALLY looking at myself? I just ignored the fact that my size of clothing became larger and larger until I could no longer buy in the stores or even plus size store. I no had to order online only. That's when I knew enough was enough! My breaking point! My epiphany! Now today 27lbs lighter I can shop at the plus size stores again. I am not just restricted to online shops.So yeah for me! And if your doing it too...YEAH FOR YOU TOO!!! Don't let fear put you in place you don't wan to be in. I did for a While and nothing good came from it,but now I AM BACK! STRONGER THAN EVER MENTALLY AND SPIRITUALLY!!!!

Today is Sunday April 11,2010. I had a fairly good weekend I think. I kept my nephew over till earlier to give my parents a break because he is a hand full. Now I am pooped! Keeping up with him and my son are too much for me sometimes I don't know how I survive! To think tomorrow it starts allover again! Monday!! Just the sound of that wants to make me curl up in bed and pull the sheets over! I know that this was a good week for me.I went all week without being sick to the stomach and with little pain in the knee. So I guess I must be doing something right! This week my goal is to be a little more active! Get up and move around! I think that with more movement not necessarily exercise but just activities I will lose a little more! My goal for the month is to be able to walk at least 1 mile by the end of this month. If I can do that then I know it will be a step in the right direction! So with this goal in sight I have something to work for! My mobility has increased with the 27lbs I have lost so far. Before I couldn't get up and move that much without being sluggish and hurting. To be honest it is embarrassing to say but when I went to the store I would have to ride in those handicapped carts they have. I would not have been able to even walk around the whole store. Now I CAN!!!!! I say that with great pride and joy! If you knew me a few years back you would have seen a happy fat girl who was really crying on the inside! It took love from a great man and a good long look at myself in the mirror to realize I was beautiful inside and out! I do mean a literal look in the mirror! We often criticize our flaws,our imperfections and lumps. Sometimes we need to realize that they are there for a reason! Sometime for us to battle and win, sometimes for us to love better, and then sometimes we just have to learn why ourselves. Why ever it may be that we have our imperfections we are still beautiful! So remember that people when you look in the mirror! You are who you are for a reason! Enjoy being you!!!

Good morning people! It is Saturday April 10,2010! I thought I as gonna sleep in this morning. HA! I kept my lil' nephew over last night and he woke me up at 5am! For me this as not good! He is almost 2 and wakes up every morning at the crack of dawn, as for me I need my rest. I often wonder what it would be like to have that youthful energy again. I'm sure I'll know when my journey is thru. I sit here blogging and wondering is there anyone out there like me? Struggling? Waking up tired from carrying all this extra weight? I could be so much more! Do so many other things in life and yet...I am still pleased with who I am! Does that make sense? You HAVE TO love who you are no matter what size you are. I have been bigger and I know that the extra pounds add misery to your days! I have lost a total of 27lbs since Feb. it is slow for me but nonetheless it is a positive progress! I still laugh at the snide remarks made by the thin girls who pass me by when I am shopping. I still laugh at the rolling eyes of young people who think they are better than me because they are thinner. And yes i even laugh at the little kids who stare and ask their moms why am I so fat. Be honest people! Answer your kids when they stare and ask! don't just tell them it's impolite to stare! How else will your kids learn if not thru honesty! Does any of this bother me? Not anymore!There was a time that it did,but not anymore! I love myself for who I am. I had to learn the hard way though!

Friday April9,2010

You know I am so glad today is Friday! This week has been full! I am ready just to breathe and relax! I find myself looking forward more and more to finding the weekend here. I am I just physically drained from the weeks hustle and bustle? Or is it more? I just started my face book page this week and found it rather fun! Meeting new people is my thing! Even though I am a big girl, I do love to have friends and go out. People tend to stereo type overweight people as being at home eating all the time but we are not at all like that. (Or at least I am not!) I like to get out and about! See and do! Participate in life! It wasn't always that way for me. But that is another story for another time. I have learned to enjoy every moment God has given me. I learned a very valuable lesson! My illness has taught me not to hold anything back and let go of my fears! It has taught me to participate and be recognized! Not just to sit in the back and just exist! I did that for a long time. No more! I want to get out and enjoy everything I can!