Sunday April 18,2010
I didn't blog yesterday due to a full day with my son. I just finished watching Ruby and found myself crying during the show. I ask myself why? Only to answer myself that it stirs up alot of emotions inside of me of my own realizations of why I am the way I am. I think had it not been for my illness I would have lived out my life as a happy fat girl (or so it seem so.) Not really being happy to the fact that I could not participate life to the fullest. I am nervous! I see her struggle with the five pounds she gained and know eventually it happens to us all. What will I do when this day comes for me? Do I have the strength I need to be able to continue and not just give in? I don't know if I do. My heart tells me I do,but my will is something else. I think the tears came from memories of my brother too. Seeing how hard it was for Denny reminded me of my brother Paul and my cousin Lisa. I lost my brother Paul almost 5years ago to drug overdose. If I shared his story it would take me forever to explain. My brother was a follower and fell into the wrong crowd. Long story lost his life by being naive and trusting the wrong people. I was given the obligation of planning his final arrangements and try to comfort my parents(for he was the youngest of 7.) I don't think I'll ever be the same after that! Then when my cousin Lisa died this past year I saw myself there! It as weird! I don't think I can explain it to anyone to say I saw myself dead when it is your cousin laying there. People would think you crazy. Then stand by her grave side I was flooded with the emotions of my brother all over again and broke down crying. My therapist says I suppressed all my emotions to the point they could no longer be contained. I don't know if this is true all I know I had a break down. Getting back to how it pertains to now and my battle with food...
After my cousin died(from complications of breast cancer) I became afraid to eat! Knowing that all her problems were similar to mine only different in certain aspects it scared me. That could be me! It would be me if I didn't change myself. Then the news from the doctors that told me they could do nothing for me till i lost the weight was the breaking point for me! To know you are a ticking time bomb and could die from any reason easily at any giving time is hard! I have several medical conditions all due to my obesity. Still not wanting to have the gastric bypass for fear. Finally it took my doctor to lay it out there for me to understand it completely! THE BIG PICTURE! If no weight as lost no treatment for my cancer. No treatment for my cancer means I would surely die! It was just a matter of when. Not only was the cancer affecting me , but also the sleep apnea has gotten so bad I need an oxygen supplement to go with it. As if that were not enough I also had the hypertension with mitral regurgitation to top it off. So I could go at anytime for any of these reasons. That scared the hell out of me! (excuse my french) My boy is only 8 about to be 9 in may...to think he would grow up without his mom was more than I could bare. So I decided to do the gastric bypass to get the weight to drop as soon as possible and even then I know it could be to late, but I will not give up trying. So I think that is what made me cry during the program knowing that all of this effects my eating habits and effects the people who surround me! I know I was a burden to my kid at 481lbs. Asking him to help me with simple thing I couldn't even do for myself. He has told me so! which made me cry! How could I do that to him? To my family who had to help me do alot with my daily activities because I wasn't that mobile. It's enough to hate yourself for it but it takes communication and tons of tears to help make that guilt go away. Even then it stills lingers in the back of my mind. I have a lot of demons I know I must still face... I face them one at a time and slowing trying to process why each of them are there and what I need to do to make then go away...or rather better. If you have this problem you understand how I feel and why I feel the way I do. Knowing what to do about it is the next step. With love and support it can all be possible!! Not to mention hard work from yourself! I am proud to have come as far as I have. I couldn't imagine last December I would be at the weight I am now. But look at me!!!!! Here I am!!!!