How much more? I have endured more in these last few months than my entire lifetime!
My father is now stage 4 colon cancer! New cancer has formed in his lungs! Origin the colon!
My brother will return to chemotherapy another Six months and then radiation treatments for 3 months everyday for 15 minutes!
My cancer unchanged! Had progressed to stage 2 and has stopped! They are giving me pills to keep it at bay! Right now the least of my worries!
It seems like none of my siblings care about my father's situation other than my brothers. They visit daily and one lives with him! My brother with cancer tries to come on a daily bases but his visits have become kind of few and far between due to his treatment!
I am funding myself return to my depression! I have returned to the stress eating without realizing it! I have not weighed myself but I see the extra pounds coming back under my chins! I catch myself trying to eat at midnight instead of sleeping!
I have no time to plan meals now and have been eating inappropriate foods just to keep up the energy!
Please dear Lord give me a break! My surgery!!!! Ha ha! That's all I think! I have completed the program more than 3 months ago! Still the appeals board has given no decision! I don't see it happening now! It would shock the heck out of me if they come back and say yes you can! So back to the struggle! I have not gone back to the 400s & hope I never do but the lifestyle change will be a never ending battle for me!
I am at dads now! Sitting here doing absolutely nothing but contemplating! Dad is sleeping and my nephew is on the floor watching t.v!
I feel very sad and angry at the same time! Sad that dad has to endure this and angry because I CA not do anything to fix iT! It is just not fair! Why must this all be happening?
I am a God fearing woman! So why is it that all of this is happening to me?

Today started ok! I took my brother to get his pet scan. No people not his pets! But a p. E. T. Scan! To see if he will need more chemotherapy and radiation treatments! I pray we are done! But I really feel like he is not! I pray I am wrong!
My dad's first appointment with an oncologist is this coming week. The 3rd to be exact. I am anxious for him to scan! The sooner the better for me! My life seems to hang in limbo! What fate has decided for me I truly don't know.
I try to remain hopeful but it can be hard at such times as these! I do not want to be my father and wait till it maybe to late. In the same sense I can't make people move! My case is up for review! It has gone to an appeal board. They will meet on Monday to decide my fate! I pray for this so bad! Wuthout it they are handing me a death sentence! I am already progressed and can't wait to much longer. If I go in like this my heart will not survive! So doomed either way! I have never in my life asked for anything other than my son, from God... But I am begging for this for not only me but my child as well!
People say oh you can lose the weight natural! You know how long it took to lose 103 pounds? It would take too long! I don't have this luxury! I wish I did!
Yet I still struggle everyday to make wise choices and be conscious of my daily activities!
Please lord help me help myself! That is all I ask! That is all I pray for myself.
I am not a selfish person! I think it wise of me to at least to ask for my health!

Today was a day I wish never happened!
Started off great! WAS in a good mood! Until the doctor came in and reconfirmed every suspection I had! My father as just diagnosed with Advanced Stage 3 maybe stage4 cancer. It has affected all 9 of his lymph nodes. Now we see a specialist and wait to get redignosed and find out if he is terminally ill! I can't even type this without crying! My mother has taken it just as hard! I don't have words to express how I feel except angry! Angry at all the doctors who pushed him from one doctor to the next! Angry at the hospital for the different diagnoses...prolonging his treatment! Just Angry! My father is everything to me! He came to pick me up when I was only 2years old and my biological mother abandoned me! We were raised by him my brother and I! My mother who is actually my step mom is the only mother I had until I was 22! That is when I met my biological mother for the first time! That is a novel in it's self! All I know is how will ...How am i ... Shit I just don't know! I actually recieved good news about my surgery yesterday and now becoming more optomistic about the surgery happening..but now with this how can I be happy? I am the one Who takes dad to the doctor and all his appointments...if I am recoverying who will do this?
Who will do alot of things when I am unable? I just don't know..................

Hello Again!
My blog is becoming few and far between due to all the things going on in my life right now. I wish I could tell myself that all is OK in my life...but it is just the opposite. My home life has become unbearable! My husband staying with me was never a good idea to begin with! His relationship with my son is being strained due to his ignorance! My husband is an alcoholic! His beer always comes first and my son second. I hate to see him suffer! When I sat my son down to talk about his feelings about his dad being there he told me that he didn't want him to leave even though he acted like a jackass! lol! I smiled and said are you sure and he said yes. I pray I am doing the right thing by letting this man be a part of my son's life at what cost?? My relationship with him is as always...shitty! I think since I have no respect for him it is hard to act as though nothing has happened. He has his good days( like when he surprised me to go to San Antonio.) but he has more bad days than good.
He wants me to treat him as my spouse in the sense that I tell him that I love him and let him know where I am and with whom...I didn't even do that when we were married let alone now. I think he is bipolar! haha! However all this may be it is not the reason which I am in a state of despair. My surgery has been on the rocks for more than two months now and I was finally told that they may not ever get an approval. So do I change insurance and start all over and lose the coverage for the cancer or do I battle out the rest and never get the surgery for the cancer? I feel like either way I am totally screwed! I have made a new discovery in which the doctors are truly concerned! As I have lost some weight...I have discovered a large lump in my left breast! I am going in this week to get a mammogram and possible MRI. They are alarmed because almost every female in my mothers family has had some type of breast cancer or tumors...I carry the mutated brac gene and have a cancer already...this puts me at a higher risk! I just pray it is not! I have not told anyone what I have found...No one at all! For it scares the shit out of me! Plus everyone is still so focused with dad and his cancer. I don't need anyone to worry for me.
My brother who has lymphoma is not doing so well! The chemo is taking it's toll on him! He has had a total of 10 treatments already and the cancer isn't responding as they would like. He will take a 3week break starting this week to recoup from the last dose and then go in for his first radiation treatment! I don't even want to imagine this!!! I was speaking to my father about the treatment for his and he told me that if they needed to do another surgery that he would not!!!! He said this is it for him...so please pray with me that they took it all out!
My diet....well another story all together!
I have slipped on my diet and ate just about anything I have wanted these last two weeks. I have paid for it too! Gaining five pounds back! Ughhh! So mad at myself. But I feel the depression trying to creep back in. I ill not let it come in again! I will continue to fight until I cannot! Not being optimistic about my surgery has lead me off the path. So I decided that with or without the surgery I will do this the hard way! I have taken off 103lbs by myself...so I think , I KNOW, I can do this! I have gone back to reading labels ..portion control...lots of water...more exercise than intake....and snacking healthy! I am really gonna push myself these next couple of weeks! I need to get back to where I was before...
Being physically drained and then tested beyond your imagination is hard to do! Then having to try to be mom to my nephew who is spoiled beyond means...even harder! I ask what the hell did my parents do to this kid to make him the way he is now? When he came to live with me he was 2months old. He left hen he was 13months to live with my parents because I became unable to care for him physically! I was hemorrhaging alot. Not able to carry him...his mom came back when he was 14months and left him again at 2 yrs. old. No at 2 1/2 O.M.G! Is all I have to say...I love the kid but can not wait for him to go back home!
Well I hope my next blog I have better news to give and more pounds shed....right now not feeling very hopeful...but I BELIEVE! That is all that matters!

So many things have happened in the past few days since my last blog entry...
Dad has his surgery and he is doing better physically! He has 5 incisions and one of them is large. They began his surgery laproscopicly and ended it with an open incision. He spent 4days in the hospital and came home! He is still in pain but he is a fighter...guess that is where I get my spirit! When I began to read the discharge papers the unofficial diagnoses was Stage2 colon cancer. However when I questioned the doctor they said it was a guess...not an official diagnoses. The lymph node looked pretty affected. So they suspect stage 3 cancer. Mom doesn't know neither does dad..he goes back on the 19th of this month to remove the staples and get his official diagnoses! I will be there with him!
As for me well things are not going so good anymore! My blood count is off the chart and I am very physically drained! I am taking charge off my nephew who is 2 even though I sometimes can not function physically! I push myself to get up every morning and fall into bed dead tire every night! I fear I maybe pushing myself too far, but what alternative do I have....it is my dad and my son and my nephew who need me! My nephew has nowhere else to go that is familiar to him. I can not say no to my parents! But at what expense am I pushing myself! I went to the doctor and they prescribed me some new pills...which are suppose to help...they don't! I just keep pushing forward!
My weight loss has hit a plateau! I lost 103lbs and hit a snag....the surgery has been pushed around by the insurance company so many times I can not even remember the number now...just to say it has been resubmitted so many times and this will be the last time they can submit it for up to 90 days...So if they deny it I have to wait another 90 days to resubmit! Every error has been on their part not ours, yet they fail to recognize the error and correct it! How can people be so irresponsible with others lives? I just wonder if they can go home at night with a clean conscious? If it were Me,I wouldn't be able to sleep knowing the person I am denying could lose their life while I am contemplating! But hey to each their own!
I am out of the 400's now and never going back!!!!!!never ever ever!!!!
My mobility is so much better and my clothes fit better! I can shop at the places I like now! Not just on line clothing that I can not try on because the sizes are right. I still struggle with healthy food choices...I would be lying if I said I do not! It is a constant battle that I think will stay with me forever! Just today I ate two tacos from taco bell. Not very healthy or very good for me! The other day I let myself drink a vanilla shake...you know how many calories that thing had??? Too many!!!!!
I still exercise and keep up with my physical activities!!! Enjoy walking in the fresh cool air and taking my nephew for a picnic to the park! Even though I feel sick I do not let it get me down! I guess I figure if I stop forcing myself to keep going I will really feel the illness set in and I will go faster. I don't know...All I do know is that I can't give in to the beast who wants me!

I can't seem to manage to keep any food down for the last two days! Since dads news I have lost 5 lbs without even trying! Talk about depression!!!!
I was in the room when the first doctor or should i say intern came in and ask my father why did he come to see the doctors. I laughed and spoke up right away! I told him could you please just get the doctor and the report from the biopsy and cut to the chase and not waste my fathers time and yours. He looked at me with a smug face and got up and walked out! Not even five minutes later a doctor came in and asked my father if he remembered him and my father answered "no." He walked out and then all three came back a few seconds later..
By then my nerves were getting the best of me and I was nervously moving my hands and trying to make small talk with dad. They walked in and one sat and one stood by the door and the other walked up to my father. I knew it was bad news!!!
They proceeded to tell my father the reason for a speedy surgery the first time was that they could not biopsy past the growth in the sigmoid part of his colon. the blood work looked stranged and the e.g.d. came out ok! So they went with the sample they took and it came back 100% positive for colon cancer! I saw my father's face change from a happy one to one of horror! They proceeded to tell him they were uncertain to how large the growth was and what organs were already affected. They said they could not grade the cancer till the actual colon and lymph nodes were removed!
My worst fear became a reality! This meant so many thing to me all at the same time! The doctors continue to explained the risk of surgery which included death and how life would be after surgery for him without certain organs if they had to be removed. At that moment they ask me to leave to check him again and proceeded to try to take another sample of tissue! Didn't happen but as I returned into the room my father waited I saw the man who I called daddy for 37 years, the man who picked me up and dusted me off every time I needed it, the man who sheltered me from everything he possibly could break down and cry like I have never seen before! I saw him cry when we lost my brother....but this was different! Trying to console him and not lose it myself he proceeded to explain to me that he has had that pain for many years...he has refuse to see a doctor,,,and he feared the worst...truth be known so do I! He has dreamt his own death! Something I wish he never told me!
Many people get colon cancer! It is a curable disease, however my father refused medical care for many years and when he did finally agree as because literally felt like he was dying! They kept passing him from one doctor to another...have different diagnoses each time. I can't believe after all this this is what it come down to!
Three people in my family battling cancer! How ironic!I feel like the fates are being so unkind to us!
This however puts me at a greater risk for other cancers...when at the genetics counselor I as told that if anyone had to certain types of cancer in the immediate family it was a certain given that we have the mutated gene which allows cancer development. Now with that a reality I am just wondering what next! For certain a mammogram!
The waiting for dads surgery is unnerving! I can't sleep or do anything! I just lay there at night crying! I fear losing him! Just praying to God to let me endure whatever he dishes out! Praying that he gives the doctors the rest and tools needed for Monday mornings surgery! Please God just let him survive! Let this be early and curable! please!!!!

decided to come confess my sins! LOL!
Yesterday and the day before, actually this whole damned week has not been my week! I have pushed to my absolute limit of patience and integrity! Trying not only the body but the soul! I have somehow managed to survive the absolute worst humiliation yet of my obese life! Never again! Never again! That is all i keep telling myself!
Never again will I allow myself to be this big! Not after all the tears and heartache I am facing! I will never put myself through this agonizing journey ever again! It is easily said but very etched in memory every look giving to me these past few days. All the under the breathe remarks, the rolling eyes, and the starring at my fat stomach! Never again!
I walked into the appeals office of my insurance company this week to appeal the operation i so badly need and desire! To my surprise am presented to my case worker in charge of my medical case and low and behold she is 115 lb woman no bigger than my son seems like. Tiny petite woman! What such luck! But that is not what is bad i don't care if the woman as small or big or in between! I am just pissed at the fact that she had the ugliest attitude toward me! I literally felt like I was begging for services. She made me feel that little! After everything was said and she told me she would still have to review my file I probably put my foot in my mouth and said a few thing I shouldn't have! I told the lady if she would just be patient and sit and actually read through my 28 page file she could see that everything they said was missing was actually there! If they could take their time and actually sit they could see I am a person not just notes, and i have not one but three doctors behind me! they could see past their ignorance of obesity and actually care for the person and judge on appearance the medical word would be such n awesome place! I left the office in tears and so angry! How could a lady with facts in front of her face sit their in her fancy little office and tell me she will review my case to see if they will permit the surgery...
Do they not know that without it I can not loose the weight fast enough for the oncologist to do her treatment and the cancer will spread! It has already began...
I don't have time to waste! If I go under the knife with the weight I am almost guaranteed to not make it! So I am lost either way! I could have deadly repercussions from either outcome! So which way do I turn?
Not getting that off my chest I have to come to the confession part..
I came home and pigged out that night! I don't even remember what I ate only that I ate till I became ill to my stomach! Then had a very severe vomiting session afterwards! No not bulimic...natural response! The body could not consume or digest so much food at once! What possessed me to do this???? The hell if I know! It just happened. Then the remorse afterwards or what the hell I was doing to myself! Just when I thought I was doing so great...this happened to me! Never say you have something under control! When you least expect it, it can come back to bite you in the ass! I just learned that this week! I was feeling very confident about myself and my habit and one lousy experience and situation threw me for a loop!
I had to take a time out for me to regroup myself! I went to visit a family members grave and just cried until I could no more! I was close to this person and she and I shared many many thing in common! weight as well as other things...only she had the surgery and lost so much weight she was a very beautiful lady physically to look at when she as finished. Not that she wasn't attractive to begin with but you know what i mean. She died almost a year ago of complications of breast cancer...
I saw the toll the cancer took on her daily living and how the cancer sucked the light out of her...She was a very vivacious person and at the end could not do anything but be in bed. I don't want that to be me! I will not allow myself to end like she did! I have a son! He is young and he needs me more than anyone or anything in this world! For this I fight, for this I live, for this I love! So when I got my composure back I realized that I will beat this! I will have the surgery even if I have to repeat the 6month weight loss program again...I will! I will!

Have some free time so decided to come blog. Having the boys drained me a little but i am just glad to get a full nights sleep tonight! I am still waiting to hear from the doctor about the surgery. I have received a denial letter from the insurance and an appeal letter as well. I will appeal it to the last straw if I have to. My life depends on it. My doctors are doing the same and resubmitted the documents that were missing. Hopefully it will not be too long now. I have not weighed myself in almost 3 weeks so i am just a little worried to see if i have gained any weight back. My clothes still feel a little loose. I have dropped officially 100lbs. and have lost 3 sizes. Still not enough to get my procedures done but it is a start. I struggled doing just that!
It was strange going shopping for myself at the store. I threw away some clothes and donated some others. So was left with very few things. Vowing never to go back to that size! I was at a size that I had to order my clothes online. Not being able to shop at regular stores really pissed me off! Ordering and having to wait for them to come a week later is not my way of shopping. So when i walked into Avenue and tried on an outfit that actually fit me...talk about the happy dance! I am not talking about the stretchy pants or cotton blend tee's I am talking about a pair of linen pants! Very nice! So i was happy beyond words. My husband was amazed when i came in a new outfit! He said he could really see the loss with the new clothes.
It made me feel very confident about myself! Just like old days! I can see the old me coming back little by little...but...a new old me! Does that make sense?
The old me full of life but a new me, different in attitude and outlooks...
Wise, and older!
I actually am feeling better about my age as well. 37 is so bad!
I like what my son tells me. He says I am turning into a new fun mom! I want to go to do more things and be more out and about! Before i would just stay home because of the snide remarks people made about my weight. It doesn't bother me anymore!
I feel sorry for those people who are ignorant and can not understand the challenges and sensitives that goes along with the weight we carry!
For some people it can be their demise For others it can be a crutch, and yet others can use it as a tool! Let me explain myself...
For those who let it become them...their demise! That is all they will ever be a fat person. Not being able to see past the weight and the problems that the dysfunctions of the weight create for us.
For those who use it as a crutch...they use the weight as an excuse to just exists in life. Floating in oblivion without cares. Using the weight to excuse themselves from participation in all life has to offer.
Then there are those who choose to use it as a tool...a learning experience! Once they hit rock bottom they come back bouncing back to life.
I think i have experienced every single part of these phases in life! Denial can be a strong hold on someone hen they can't see themselves as big as they are.
I never bought full length mirrors in my house for fear of how i looked. I knew i had a pretty face so i went with that! Never looking at the huge body i carried below it. At 481lbs it never felt that big until a young lady pointed out to her friend how fat i was...and if she were ever that fat she wouldn't leave her house. That is what hit me hard! The comments people made about a self i could not see. Then i was forced to see the real me! The me everyone else was looking at. I never knew my weight in numbers until i started going to the doctor regularly. Then I saw not only the numbers but the effects it had on me.

Hello everyone!
Got back yesterday from a trip to San Antonio and actually enjoyed myself!
It was only my husband and son and myself and it felt like old times! Before the fighting, before the mess we created in our lives! I felt loved and appreciated and mostly comfortable being me!
There were many things that we didn't do because I could not physically do them but none the less...an awesome time! I can not believe how much I walked in two days! I awoke with sore legs this morning! ha ha! a First for me! walked the entire river walk and the malls! I enjoyed the market square, and hemisphere park! If it were only three or four months ago I would not have been able to do that! What a change and sense of liberation from myself!
Yesterday when we got back late...we ate out and to my surprise I actually did well!
I have been finding myself more and more aware of the foods I eat and how much to eat! Worrying about gaining any of this weight back before the operation! Speaking of the operation...It has hit a bump in the road! My insurance denied it because of a missing paper, so the doctors have resubmitted the paperwork and added the extra stuff they need now....
Now another 2-3 wks before I hear something again. Afterwards another 2 weeks before surgery actually takes place. So I am looking at another month at tops! How time is dragging!
My parents tell me to be patient but how about you try to be patient knowing your life is about to change forever! It is hard when you have a bomb ticking inside of you! My cancer is unchanged! Thank you God! The double biopsy came back unchanged. Same diagnoses as before! The pains however have changed...the doc said it was due to increased mobility and the physical work I was doing...I sometimes just don't buy it! But who am I to say what is what I am just a simpleton!
Any who...I am just happy to be back home and starting a new week! Dad has surgery this week and I have to take him to the doctors tomorrow. I just pray they finally find what is wrong with him and fix him...although I have a sick feeling in my stomach that what is wrong can not be fixed! He was an alcoholic for many years....most of young life and quit about 8-9yrs ago...I pray to God that he didn't damage anything then. But we will know soon!
Well I do not have much time to write tonight because getting the son ready for bed! So with that I ill see everyone tomorrow! You all have a great night!

Happy weekend people!
Today I awoke with a burst of energy! I have literally spent all day cleaning my house and detailing things I have neglected for a while! As I see the weight drop I feel more and more energetic! It is so refreshing to have that feeling come back! I would always wake up tired and not wanting to start the day..the last few days have been such a breeze!
I called my surgeon yesterday and spoke with my nurse. I am just waiting for the final papers to come back from the insurance and off to surgery I go! It can not come soon enough! I think that all the wanting to clean the house is fear trying to manifest it's self in me! I am afraid they will neglect the house and I come home from the hospital to a pig stye! I am kind of a neat freak when it comes to the house! I hate dishes in the sink and clothes on the floor! I have two boys who do not care where the clothing goes and how to wash a dish! I say I have two boys because the husband acts like a child lately....
We have been having some drama between us lately. He thinks in his tiny little brain of his because he is in my house "We are officially back together." WRONG! I have stressed this to him time and again and still it does not sink in! He is asking for explanations when they are not due, and he is having bits of jealousy rages when I can not be found! People...I do not have anyone else! You could not glue another man to me ever again! I am thru trying to please jerks! I am all about getting healthy and pleasing myself and my son! Nothing or no one else matters to me at this point in my life! (Except my family of course) I think this man's guilt is playing mind tricks on him...If you feel like I'm cheating maybe it's because your cheating yourself? I say to him grow-up!
I want to go back to talking about my food choices lately. Not the best that I have consumed lately. Today I allowed myself to eat pizza. Before I was finished I scarfed down 4 pieces! But let me tell you after I finished I felt really sick to my stomach! That my friends is probably a whole days worth of fat and calories in one eating! It made me so mad! How could I sit there with my kid and actually enjoy eating this crap? But the taste....
Here again I have to ask myself is the taste worth the damage to my body? No! No it's never worth it. You know when I was 20 I became an alcoholic! I would drink everyday with my friends after work, on the weekends, on holidays, at parties, at the club...you get the picture. I drank for every occasion! I remember and still talk about this till today to people who drink, that I got so smashed drinking! A group of friends and myself went to Galveston Island and had a bonfire and drank all night long! I partied so hard! However partying and driving don't mix....I drove myself home that night! I DO NOT REMEMBER THAT DRIVE HOME! I for the life of me can not explain how being so smashed I drove safely across a bridge, and down a long stretch of highway...and down a residential area, to park a car 3 blocks from where I lived and then proceeded by foot to walk to my residence and find myself passed out the next morning on the stairs leading up to my bedroom half dressed! People all around and beer bottles and liquor bottle everywhere! But can not remember who, where, when, or what the hell happened to me that night!
I only mention this because I am no longer embarrassed of that night! The point I wanted to make with this story is all of that had to happen to me before I quit drinking! I could not find my car for 3 days! I report it stolen and that is when the police found it parked 3 blocks from where I lived. Alcoholics do alot to themselves before they say enough is enough! For some they never find that rock bottom to hit! I however, consider myself very fortunate!
My journey with the weight is the same, as with alcohol! I see myself as a food junkie! I do not consume large amounts all the time..don't get me wrong I can grub just like the next person but...I find my problem being the food I eat! Loaded with taste...calories...FAT! Nothing good! So now I have to give myself that extra push to see that all food isn't created equal!
Not all taste is good! So after eating those pizzas, I got back to cleaning and then jumped on the treadmill! Today was my day off exercising, but I decided 4 pizzas slices are not worth the fat! I got on for 30 minutes and later before I go to bed will do another 30 minutes! I can not allow that stuff to settle into my body! Out damned pizza!!! Out you go!!!
I cleaned out my closet today as well!!!yay!!! I got rid of half of my wardrobe! Keeping only the things that still fit ok not to loose. I will definitely be needing new clothes! I can't wait!
Well still waiting for news on the biopsies! They took a double biopsy on my uterus and cervix and ovaries on Monday. Last Friday did a biopsy on my stomach. When he did the E.G.D. said it was inflamed and looked a little different so no news from them I suppose is good news! Or isn't that the saying? Well back to cleaning...Gonna dust, dust the pizza out! lol! How can you dust out pizza? Ya'll get up put on your shoes and get walking! Remember your heart will love you for it!

Hello again! Today has been a very productive day for me! I couldn't say the same for yesterday. I went to the doctor for my arthritis in the knees and they gave a lancaide and steroid shot in the knee cap. Man did it hurt and then to make matters worse they actually hit the knee cap with the needle by accident, so it caused more pain! But now I am ok and the Knee isn't acting up anymore. So I guess the pain was well worth it! My last entry I was doubting the husbands again. Well he came home drunk like before. So we had words and I told him that as soon as I am better he can go back to being single! I was better off without the man in my life. Sometimes no matter how hard you try it just doesn't work because you were meant for a different life. I am less judgemental of his actions, after all it isn't like we are involved with one another. We sleep separate, and live life as though we were roommates. I guess I fooled myself into believing he was actually going to change because of my illness. Now with that being said I move on and don't look back. I had a lady come up to me yesterday and ask me to join her herba-life movement to help me loose weight. I just laughed at the lady and began to ask her questions. I ask what was so wonderful about her product and how did it help her to lose weight. She replied with a whole 30minute sprew about how the product was made from natural products and how it made you lose the weight. I let her continue by telling me that she lost 30lbs in 2months without exercise. How she is full of energy and how much it had done for her personally. I laughed again and she ask what I found humorous? So I gave her my reply....I told her how all that stuff was "natural herbs filled w/caffeine or some sort of upper to give her the burst of energy she needed." Then I went on to explain to her the severe damage consuming that type of product could cause in the long run. (I know because an aunt of mine almost died taking that so called natural product.) Then I went on to explain that without serious lifestyle changes and exercise you could not lose the weight without it coming back. She is selling a fad diet for a temporary fix...Dieting and exercise is a lifestyle change, not a temporary fix! To be successful you must, must change your lifestyle! Otherwise when you finish dieting, you will gain all that weight back and more. At the end of conversation I told her about my success and who I accomplished it....She didn't believe me until I showed her a picture of me taken last year. She left me scratching her head and doubting her product.!
My intentions were not to sway her opinion on the product she peddled but to educate her on the real way of losing weight healthy! I am still judged for being overweight. People see me and automatically want to sell me their gimmicks! No thanks! I am 4lbs shy of being 100lbs lighter in a 8month period! To me that is an amazing job in itself! I have done it slowly but steady...On medical supervision and wouldn't have done it any other way! I am still awaiting my date. Surgery is close and to me it can't come soon enough! The days seem to drag on like eternities! NERVES!!!
My family is finally doing well too! Dad went to the doc and finally got meds that help the pain. He is about to undergo surgery his self and I am really nervous about it! But to my surprise I find myself not eating the nerves as before. Instead I jump on the treadmill and blare the music singing until I am literally out of breathe and can no longer sing! LOL! People upstairs must think I am a nut! However it works for now! I am trying to teach myself other ways to deal with the emotional eating. It is hard and long journey still for me, having bad days and days I just can not resist myself! But I
am becoming more aware! Awareness with action! I can honestly say I am walking the talk!
My family is supportive and my son is actually proud of me! So it helps me fuel the soul!
I still have the days where I am my most worst enemy! Trying to sabotage the progress by negativity. Trying to relive the past thru memories of very bad things happening to me. When I do this I just pray...pray for God to get me thru the hard memories and help erase them by new and exciting moments in my life! My life has been full of very dark days now I need some sunshine....I am trying to make that sunshine!!!
I wonder though...how life will be like in the thin world? I call it the thin world because I have never know a reality that wasn't overweight for me! For now that is all I can do is wonder and dream....Work and sweat to get there and listen to the remarks, the chuckles, and glaring eyes of thin people who judge me because I do not look like them. How I hate it...how it feels so bad...how never again will I be this person! This is the last time that I will have to diet...have to struggle...have to be laughed at! I take my life back! No one can take it from me or ridicule me! I take back my dignity, I take back my smile, and my happiness! It belongs to me and no one else! I am taking back my body!!!!!

What a day! I am up waiting for the husband to come home and have a feeling he is back to his old self! I am not sure if he had to work late, or if he is out and about. His phone is off and I can't call him. I hate waiting! This is where most of my eating problems started. 11 years ago! Waiting, eating, wondering! To my surprise it has not affected me as before. This time I just worry that all is well instead of who is he with. I think the last time we separated I emotionally separated myself from him. Not allowing myself to care about who he sees is a big deal to me. 10 years ago I would have had a fit! Not today! To my surprise I did not find myself in the fridge just mindlessly eating to comfort myself. Instead I got on the treadmill for 30 minutes and put on my mp3 player and sang and walked for 30 minutes. Those who are really close to me know how much I love to sing! Not always the best at it but none the less I like to belch it out like no one's business! I find it to be a sort of theraphy! Any how, I finished that and decided to shower early and get on and talk to myself about how I feel about all that is about to happen to me.
I am becoming more and more anxious, and scared about my phase in the journey I am on! I have been medicine free (except my blood pressure pills) for 2 days. Let me tell you that I have been running a fever all day and have felt like I have absolutely no energy. It is so strange how being without your medicine can affect you as much as taking them. I told me dad today I felt like a druggy! Having the withdraws! LOL! He just laughed and said I was being silly. Despite all my yucky feeling I had quite a productive day. Doing the laundry, picking mom from work, going to the grocery store, and watching my two year old nephew. Now I just ant to cral in the bed! My kid is in his room playing the xbox360 and he came in my room to check on me (bless his heart!) He told me I was being too quiet. So he got worried.
I had a dream last night about going on the operating table...lol! It left me quite concerned, but I know that it is just my nerves getting the best of me.
My diet today was better than yesterday! I only consumed 1500 cals and drank 10- 20oz bottles of water. Which is great! However my feet are swollen from fluid retntion. Not allowed to take my pills so my feet are paying the price!
You know I was talking to a friend of mine on the phone and she told me that she was envious of me for having the surgery. I ask her why? She is also obese and said that I was taking the easy way out of all of this. You think????
How can putting your life on the table for someone to touch an easy way out? How can being on a total liquid diet for 7 weeks be easy way out? How is eating puree food for another 6-7 weeks and easy way out? I my friend do not see this as a easy way out! I see it as a stepping stone ( tool) to use on my journey for getting my treatment for cancer. For ridding myself of obstructed sleep apnea, of taking away the high blood pressure, as addressing the orthopedic problems I have, as preventing my heart from giving out or better yet, from preventing me of having a heart attack, or even dying! So no my dear friend it isn't the easy way out! It is harder! You have to have strict discipline, control of yourself and know where you want to go and why. All of the prosedure has to have a bigger purpose for it to work for you. If not it to will fail like every other diet you do! What happens to you after you lose the weight? Then what???? You can gain every single bit and more back!
Then can you tell me that this is an easy way out? Well the man came home. Just walked in so I guess I better go see what the excuse was now. Till tomorrow>....

WELCOME BACK!!! That is what I am telling myself! I came in from the doctors earlier and found myself with nothing to do so since I have been neglecting my blog and so many keep asking me if I will continue it I am back. It feels good to go thru and re-read all those entries. It feels like weight lifted off my shoulders! So much has happened to me since the last time I made an entry. My husband is back home with me. Helping me out with my son and household duties. We seem to have a small sense of normality at home now. (Not between he and I, but just in daily life generally speaking.)Things between he and I are civil for the most part. I can't complain but they are not what a true marriage is. We are not completely together if you know what I am referring to...
My illness is taking it's toll on me. I visit the doctor almost weekly now. My thyroids have quit and my liver is acting up. I am now on synthetic thyroid hormones and it is causing my bp to raise and my heart to race at time. The liver isn't great because of the meds I am taking. However with saying the negative let me get to my ray of sunshine...I am a week away from having gastric bypass surgery done. I go in Friday (this Friday) for an E.G.D. to make sure there is no abnormalities in the throat or stomach. Then surgery....I am excited, scared, anxious, and just down right ready to scream from emotion! It is like waiting for Christmas to come but knowing your not getting anything, just losing a part of you, you so desperately tried to get rid of so many times before. For six months now I didn't grasp the full meaning of this surgery. I thought "I'll have it lose the weight effortlessly and be beautiful afterwards." Then I went to a support group and saw first hand the true sense of what the surgery is really about. Yes it is about the weight but it is also so much more. It is facing all the demons we as obese people carry. The emotions of eating, the depression of failure, the sadness of losing people close to us. It has so many faces, so many disguises! My weight problem stemmed from a young troubled adolescent. It ballooned as a desperate single mother. It will now be defeated as an aware healthy woman! I can honestly sit here and tell myself this. I have lost 90lbs since December. To some that is slow progress. To me it is progress! That is a whole anorexic person. Imagine that?
I honestly think that controlling my emotions is the key to winning my battle. To help me do this I go to a psych. She helps me to analyze things in an order I never saw them. I never in a million years think I would be seeing one but here I am. My emotional problem is bigger than I am. I need to face it head on or all of these tools given to me...the surgery, the counseling, the dieting, the workouts...all of this will be for nothing. It will all come back. That is part of the reason I allowed my husband to move back in. I must face all of my problems with him! For they are the majority of things that keep me where I am at today. I do not wish to be that 481lb woman people keep laughing at. Children stare at, men honking too and make cow noises. No! No more! I am a 400lb woman moving into a new phase in my life, a healthier one, a saner one! So welcome back Rebeca! This feels really good to talk to again! You will definitely see more coming as I work thru the issues and lose more weight.
My current plan is a 1800 cal diet daily consisting of 30grams of protein daily and over 1/2 of rest veggie intake! I am cutting most of the carbs except w/ complex carbs like Sweet potatoes and other veggies or whole grains that actually have purpose in my body. My rule is if I eat it, it must have something of nutrients, or function to my diet. What does the food I put into my body do for my body? Makes you think about why we eat what we eat! Also I take a 30-45 walk on my new treadmill. Do shimmy, and every other day an oldie but goodies..."Sweating to the oldies!" My all time fave workout dvds! If you mix it up you will not be bored and are more inclined to keep on the journey we are on. If you do the same thing day in and day out...you are more likely to fail yourself w/ no motivation! Come on put those shoes on and hit the ground! I know I am!
P.S. To Maureen....Thank you! You made me remember just why I started writing this in the first place! Know I am here for you always!

Hello! It's been a couple days since I have blogged. I really need to become inspired to write again. I have been having trouble keeping with the diet this week. It all started very well but ended with cake and pizza! With the weigh-in less than a few days away I feel like I let myself down. Mom's birthday was on Saturday and we bought her one of those really delish cakes /the fruit and whipped toppings. I just couldn't resist! Knowing that my surgery is less than 1 1/2 month away...and knowing that I will never be able to eat that kind of cake again...I indulged myself! Now I am truly regretting it!
Then today...my son made me mad! We were suppose to meet my family at the beach for fun in the sun, but instead he threw himself a tantrum and refused to go. Then my ex came over and it was all she wrote....
My day was ruined! Didn't do the workout, didn't follow the diet and then they brought back pizza. Since I just felt like giving up...I ate the pizza. 3 slices!!!!
Now I want to cry. I feel the heaviness of the food. It is a strange thing to explain but when you eat unhealthy you actually feel the heaviness of the food. I had never felt that before. I am glad I did though. Had I not I might have been inclined to eat more pizza.
When "he" left I went to my room and my son came in to apologize to me for his behavior. It still didn't change the fact that for one little tantrum my whole day was thrown for a loop.
I need to learn still to control my emotions better. Still not possessing all the tools necessary to get to the end of the road, I hit a speed bump every now and again. I think we all do. After all I am only human. I was reminded about many things today.
1. Not to beat myself up for something I did. (my psych doc told me we will all fall back from time to time. It is the ability to stop yourself and the ability to recognize you have committed an error that separates us.) The healthy learning, from the obese person inside us. I was rewatching a Ruby episode today. The one where her therapist told her to change 5 things. Well I realized when she spoke of mirrors, it made me think hard. I have the same problem many others do. I don't see myself all that fat. Only when my clothes are off and I am bathing or changing do I truly recognize how enormous I am.
It is a strange complex I suppose but I want to change this image I have of myself.
When my christian friend sat me in front of the mirror all those years ago, when my marriage was on it's last leg, I still didn't see how large I truly was. It took a family photo and a long full mirror in the bathroom to make me see how i truly was. I still hide that photo till this day. I can not bare to look at it. I feel so enormous!
I am trying to bring myself to take it out and place it on the fridge. Then when I go to get something out to eat I will be conscientious about what I eat. I'm not quite to that point yet.
You know it is funny how I can sit here and type in my life history to you. However I can not hang up 1 little photo for fear of what people would say if they saw it. Talk about weird!!!!
Let's just hope that this week is better for me. I am going to bed! Dreaming of a healthier day!

I was rereading my blog today and started laughing! I made my husband seem so sinister! If you knew the man you know that I think I was speaking with anger. Which still comes up from time to time! I forgot to tell everyone when I found out I was ill we had our divorced reversed and he offered me his insurance coverage. We still live separately, see each other almost daily, and get along very well---as long as we do not live together. So no the man isn't just all bad! People ask me am I married....in the technical sense yes, but in the "real sense" NO! We have been married legally for 10 yrs. going on 11! So not all bad comes from this man. I could tell you that not all those years were bad but, there were more bad than good. So if my "husband" is reading this too I am sorry for portraying you as the bad person. It works both ways. I gave up on our marriage the same way you cheated on me. So I think we are the same.
In saying that I want to say "WELCOME TO A NEW DAY!"
My life has been renewed and refreshed by this journey. Someone ask me today what my secret to weight loss was. I told them a few thing that I felt to be important.
1. Taking baby steps in your journey. Don't be in a rush to get to be a healthier you. If you do you probably will regain your weight for not having gotten the "full" journey and life change.
2. It isn't a diet. It is a life style change! I can not stress that enough. I am not on any diet. I am changing the way I eat and the way I shop, the way I prepare my food.
3.Get up and move! You must be active! If not you will not tone or tighten your body. Lean muscle mass burns more calories that fat does. So as long as you incorporate some strength training into your workouts you will keep burning calories all day long.
I have been on this journey for a total of almost 8 months. Having lost a grand total of 81 pounds. That is like 9-10lbs a month. My doctor tells me that a realistic goal of 5lbs a month is a healthy weight loss goal. Dropping large amounts of weight rapidly can be damaging to you organs as well as the body. I would be happy just losing a pound! As long as I know it will never return!
I have learned alot from alot of different sources. Some doctors, other trained professionals, some fellow journey seekers (as myself.) Knowledge is a large pool! I lucky enough to be able to swim in it!
I am going to try to keep up daily again and post some quick tips and notes for those who keep asking me. Again, I am not a professional by any sense but I am learning and feel really good about the road I am on. Confidence is the key to everything! If you have no confidence in yourself then you will fail yourself over and over again. Believe you can! You will achieve! Thank you to everyone for the words of encouragement! Those are the fuel to my soul and the drive that I need to keep me going when I feel like I just can't go anymore! Till tomorrow....keep smiling, you are beautiful, and keep moving forward!!!

O.M.G. That's how I need to start this blog!
Why does everyone in my life who read this blog yesterday have an opinion! Look people plain and simple I need to say something before I blog today. This part of my life is OVER. I am not on jerry springer or maury povich show. I am simply writing this to remind myself why I ate the way I did. Why I was so heavy and how not to repeat my mistake! You all can take it as you want! You didn't live my fucking life! You didn't have any part except the side lines. I lived the horror and embarrassment! Not you! So no it isn't too personal to write my life in a blog. Maybe just maybe someone else can learn from my dumb mistake and not repeat it! So if you like it, fine! If you don't, then don't read! Just that simple! This is for me not you!
Now that that part is over I can get back to my horrific truth! My marriage ended! He left me for her and I was at my heaviest point in life! My friend stuck by my side! Thru the thick and the thin! I actually fell in love this person. However being the trauma I suffered I shy out of making a move on this wonderful man! He is now engaged to be married to a very beautiful person! So I am happy for him! I think I was in love with what he was and not who he was. He showed me that I counted even though I thought I didn't. He was a true friend in every sense!
Then two years ago at work weighing 481lbs. bearly able to perform my job, I began to hemorrhage. I was rushed to the E.R. and admitted to the hospital. After two days of testing a doctor came in and started to ask me some very personal questions. About sex, about my menses, about my having children and then without warning came the bomb! He told me they had found cancer in my cervix and uterus. That I needed a specialist A.S.A.P! They stabilized my bleeding and sent me home! The next few days I spent in a deep depression! Pity for myself in disbelief! Finally in my next hemorrhaging episode(which was only in 3 days laters) I decided to seek help! Went to look for a doctor at one of the best cancer centers in the U.S. M.D.Anderson!
Their I felt discriminated on because of my weight! I know I wasn't, that they are just doing their job but it has been two years and all they are doing is managing the cancer not treating it. I was told by my oncologist that the benefits of surgery were not optimal for me at this weight. That and the other health issues I have prevent me from getting the much needed hysterectomy. So now I am on a journey to losing this weight for good! My life depends on it!
The husband...well he comes to visit me from time to time to see his son and we get along! It will never be the same for me! I view people differently because of him. I know it isn't fair to everyone, but I have trust issues! Even with family!
Which should not be!
My story was vaguely outlined...I just told you about the things I can talk about for now. There is soooo much more! Stuff that I still can't face! That I am working thru...progress...a word that best describes me today...progress! I have a long way to go and such a short time to get there! If you met me on the street you would have never known any of this to happen. You'd see a "seemly happy fat person." I am not happy!!!! I haven't been since I was 29! Now at 37 that seems like a far away time ago. However long ago the wounds are still present! I am working thru it now, not eat thru it! That is the big difference now! Food no longer is a comfort to me. I see it as a drug. I am mindful and selective of what I put into my mouth!
Please excuse the beginning of my blog today! I have some very stiff critics out here. Some related, others just close to me. But they need to know that I will not let my past cripple my present! NOR AM I EMBARRASSED OF THE LIFE JOURNEY I HAVE FACED THUS FAR. Look at what I have been thru and still I have survived! I will continue to do so!

Hello again my son is in bed and I am sleepless so I will continue with telling you my life story...
I left off at when I left my husband...I packed my son's bags and after school we left. I had no money, no gas, and no where to go. My parents home was the only refuge I had. That wasn't so convenient for either me or my son. It would be the first place he would find us. I had no choice! I could not force my son to be homeless just because of my husband. So I swallowed my pride and took refuge at my parents home. This lasted all but two days. (You have to realize, this wasn't the first time he cheated or the second there were other times which I dare not share with you,for they are far too personal.) Having enough bullshit from him and having to hear the lectures daily from my parents why I had left was more than I could bear. My parents were not supportive of the separation however brief it was. The following day he showed up to my parents home. Picked up my 4yr old son and drove home. I had no choice but to go back or lose my son. So I went back. He begged and plead his case to me saying he was sorry and it would never happen again, but I knew it would. I just went along with his charade as long as I could get so money together to be gone.
After this I could not be sexually active with my husband. I just repeated the image I walked into over and over in my head and I could not bring myself to be with this man. Our relationship was very strained after this. We lived tiptoeing around each other for another two months. Hardly speaking to each other and sleeping in separate rooms. (I slept with my son.) Until Sept. of that year. Then something tragic happened. My baby brother passed away. I was forced to make all of the funeral arrangements for him and notify all of our family. My parents could not function! They were in a state of shock. So I being the eldest stepped up and did everything a parent would. The whole time I begged my husband to help me. He would not! I was alone! All alone! With no one to cry with, to lean on for support, for stability when all seemed to break down for me. I gave the eulogy at my brothers funeral and helped my parents thru it all. While he sat back and watch me drown in sorrow. That was the last of it! I was alone and he was off with his lover. So I gathered what little money I had saved, withdrew my child from school, and hid for two weeks in a hotel away from everyone! I had everyone searching for me. Calling my cell phone. I never answered. My son and I were finally free! I was free!
At this time in my life I weighed 435lbs! I didn't care anymore what anyone thought of me! Of what I had turned into! I just wanted to be left alone.
When the money ran out I went home to my parents house. I spoke to my parents and really explained what had been happening to me all those years. They took me in and forbade him to come see me. We remained separate for another year. I allowed him to visit his son while I worked and went on with my life as usual. I dropped 35lbs in two months. I don't know if it was that I could not eat what I wanted,or actually working that help me get my mind off the food. I befriended a very nice christian man who taught me that there was still good men out there! No I did not cheat on my husband....As strange as it may seem to many people we were very good friends! Best friends I would say. This man actually sat me in front of a mirror and told me to look at myself. I did and all I could see was the fat unhappy wife of a cheater! A mother to an unhappy boy who missed his dad and a failed daughter. I started my life in a broken home. Now having passed that to my son was more than I wanted him to ever experience! My mother abandoned me and my brother when we were young (I was 3and my brother was less than a yr.) That my friends is another story entirely different! There is a history which would take me years to write about.
So after having talked to my friend he ask me "what did I want for me and my son in life?" I responded to be and live in a normal happy family. He urge me to talk to my husband and we decided to go to counseling. My husband is an alcoholic. He has been all his life. When he sobered up for two years it was like having a new husband. We decided to move in together again and go for another round. Things went well for about another year and a half. Then the old dog came out again! How could I have been so dumb! Once a dog always a dog! This time he asked me for the divorce. Turns out he was seeing the old neighbor all these years and she finally got rid of the husband so she wanted mine. I said ok! That is when the papers were signed! At this point in my life I felt my whole world crumbling before me. After 10years of struggling with this man it had finally come to an end. All I could do was cry! And of course eat! I gained so much weight after this I ballooned up to 481lbs. I had so badly wanted to make things work out between us for my son's sake. I didn't want him to go thru life like did.
I vowed to never marry again! I will never do so! At 37 years old and so frustrated with relationships you choose to have only one love in your life! My son! The husband moved on and moved in with the elderly neighbor. I moved out with my son into an apartment. Continued to work for another 2years until I got sick. That my friends is another part of my life that has me tangled in a web! I will go into that tomorrow! I am going to bed now. So for all you ladies who struggle like I did, know that there is a rainbow to that dark cloud you have hanging above your head right now.

I don't know if digging all that hurt was such a good idea now. I cried myself to sleep remembering all that happened back then. I woke up with a new attitude this morning. I will not allow my past to cripple my present.
Getting back to my story...my life...that year I met what was to be my husband.
We dated a short time only 2months. I felt a connection with him that I had never felt in the past. I was just wanting to be loved. Here was this nice, sweet, and gentle man wanting to love me. One thing led to another and after only 3 months of knowing each other decided to marry. Yes that quick! I could not believe it either. There was something about my husband that just captured me. I could never quite describe what it was. Our marriage started out blissful! Then without trying and without wanting at the age of 28 I became pregnant again. Reluctant to tell him for fear. At my 3rd month of pregnancy I finally told him and he was happy! Everything was well! Life at that time seemed like a dream..too good to be true. Then again at my 5 month of pregnancy came the complications. The same as before, only this time I was completely bed ridden. Only allowed to get up to go to the restroom or shower. I ballooned another 75lbs. By the end of my pregnancy I weighed a hooping 400lbs. 400lbs people! My son was born two weeks early and weighed only 7lb 7oz. The rest was all me. As I gained my mobility back, and now a new breastfeeding mother I lost about 30lbs. Still unhappy with my size I began to really dig in and diet. I only lost another 15lbs. 15lbs! It discouraged me beyond belief! I could bear no more! Was I doomed to be this heavy all my life. Then right after my son had his first birthday, I found out my husband was having an affair with one of my neighbors. Right in front of me. He always had a valid reason to be at her house. Her husband locked in jail she didn't care if my husband was married. They both enjoyed themselves! When I found out I fell into a depression again! Began to eat mindlessly. Stayed up all hours of the night waiting for him to come home from "work." Until I finally confronted him. She had the audacity to come to my house to fight for him. Arguing that she too was carrying a child of his. I had enough. I made him choose...
Was it her or me? He stayed with me. It was never the same for us. Looking back I realize I should have let him go then.
We moved from that area into another and got an apartment. Life got better for us at home. Repairing the relationship was harder for me than him. Once trust isn't there it is hard to be with a person. I gained back the 30lbs I lost after I had my son. I maintained this weight for another year. Then on my 30th birthday we moved again. This time to the other side of town. He had a new job and a new post. Making better money and we were doing great financially. When we moved, we moved next door to an old friend of ours. The family we had known since my son was born. My husbands old friends. Nice family,with two girls. My husband pressured me too have another child this year. We tried, and tried until I could not any more! I don't think anyone ever complained of having too much sex, but for me it was way too much! I didn't have the drive to try any more. Going to a doctor he told me it was all mental block. That I was perfectly capable of having another child. Even as obese as I was. Boy was he wrong!
We lived at this location for a time of 4yrs. The final year I lived here was the worst time I have had in my life thus far. It started in August of that year. I befriended an elder lady in her 50's(a neighbor) whose husband had been deported. She was bearly making ends meet. I kind of adopted her as part of our family. She would come have dinner everyday. I would let her babysit my child when I was in school. I trusted her whole heartedly! Being that she was an elderly person, she looked good for her years. We became close. Then the unspeakable occurred. While taking my child to school one day, I forgot to bring the cupcakes for his party. I dropped him off and headed back to the house to pick the cupcakes. When I turned on our street, I noticed my husband's truck in the drive so I parked on the side of the road. I had a sinking feeling in my gut. I just knew something was not right. So I quietly made my way to my house. Open the back door and walk into the living room. There I find my husband half naked and my 50yr old neighbor completely naked on my sofa having sex. She hit him to get his attention, and pulled the covers. His reaction was funny as hell! He got off her and ran into the other room. Why? I just saw them both naked. I just stood there looking at her with the blanket pulled up staring at me. I was in a state of shock. I moved to where her clothes laid and lifted them and walked to the front door. Opened it and threw them out! Walked to the kitchen and got a butcher knife... walked back over to where she still sat on the sofa and told her she had 2seconds to leave my house or I was not responsible for what was gonna happen next. She got up and left naked from my house. Running out the door and crossing the street trying to put on her clothing. My husband came out of the bathroom which he had hid into and I still had the knife in my hand. He looked at me and didn't say a word just walked right past me and out the door. He returned to work. This was just too much for me to bear. I got my son's cupcakes and returned to school to leave them. Went home and packed a bag for me and my son. After school let out I left my husband.
I want to stop here for now. I will pick up again tomorrow. This is just the beginning of a bad year. It gets worse! So until tomorrow count our many blessing we have now! Pray for those who have hurt you! For their remorse, and lives! May they turn the tide and learn from their errors.

I was reading back to some of my older blogs and realize it has been sometime now since I have logged on. I have been neglecting myself in that aspect of my life. I find that writing this blog help me create a more sane environment for myself and helps me to get away from the kitchen and the mindless eating.
So today I wanted to go back to the time in my life when all seem to fall apart! I was 22yrs. old. Between 22-30 is when I really gained the most weight in my life. When I as 22 I lived to party. Being from a very strict household,I wanted to enjoy my new found freedom. I would go clubbing Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I would spend most of Monday sleeping. Tuesday was for getting my apartment ready for the weekend, and last but not least Wednesday's were for restocking the booze. Making sure we wouldn't run out. When I say we, I mean me and two of my close girlfriends. I was the biggest of the three but partied the hardest. The other two actually went to school and worked and did the party thing as a pass time. Mine was a way of life.
I enjoyed the attention from male company! I was beautiful before I gained all the weight. Or so I thought. No looking back it just seems like a blur of a bad dream which never should of happened. Days blurred together, weeks passed without notice, and even months seem to come and go so fast for me. Having fun and living a fast life was what I deemed important in that time period. I left a very successful job in my local school district for this way of life. Found a boring job, one that would accommodate my parting schedule. Life was peachy keen! Or so I thought!
As 22 passed, 23 blurred by 24....
I noticed I was now a whopping 250lbs! Not getting that much male attention anymore. Even in the club scene, friends were now moving on to the better figured women. Then I met this guy in the spring of that yr. My relationship with this person seemed to calm me down. I was in love, or so I thought! Again going back to a successful job. Doing the relationship thing and even visiting the family now from time and time.
The following year was roses for me! In love... new boyfriend...just moving in together...I even lost 35lbs that year. Then the bubble burst! I had just turned 25now. It was Feb....I found out I was pregnant! Me PREGNANT! I was so happy! I thought my boyfriend was going to be tickled about the news! When in fact just the opposite happened! He was pissed! He did not want to be tied down to me. He yelled at me and packed his things that same day and left. Left me 2months pregnant! I was still happy! I continued to work and took care of myself. The first 3 months went smooth. Then at the 4th month check up I ran into a bump in the road. By then the boyfriend decided to come back. It was never the same after that. Our relationship was strained and we constantly argued. At 41/2 months I was made to stay off my feet for two weeks. I was having contractions and dilating already. Then one day after I had gone back to work...I went home as normal. Did the normal evening routine...Took the evening shower and laid down to go to bed.
That night at 2am I began to feel wet. As I get up to go to the bathroom thinking I had had a accident I look down to my feet to see a pool of blood. I screamed and the boyfriend ask what the hell as wrong with me. I call him to come in and he told me to clean myself up and go lay down. "GO LAY DOWN!"
As I get my shoes on, go downstairs, get into my car, and drive myself to the E.R.
Hearing the doctor tell me that I had lost my baby at 5months...lost...that all I heard...that how I felt! As I go home after spending a night at the hospital. I become angry! Climbing the stairs and seeing the dried pool of blood trailing down to where my car was parked. I was in tears! Uncontrollable tears!! Even now it still hurts me to remember that day! I go to my bathroom and see blood! I see the blood on the sheets and the carpet! I look over to my side of the bed where I set up the bassinet....a pool of dried blood next to it. I wanted to die! I actually wished I had died that day! Did feel like that for many years after.
Needless to say the boyfriend was gone forever. I weighed 245lbs at this time. After that I was lost! Threw myself into my job my employees! I went back to drinking and mindless eating patterns. By the end of that year I weighed 300lbs. Then next year I found it hard to do much of nothing. In a deep depression and eating was my only comfort, other than my job I had no life. My friends and coworkers tried to come and clean out all the baby belongings but I wouldn't have it! I could not even stand to see a pregnant lady! It made me mad! Wish it was me...
Then the year of my 27th birthday my little sister decided to come move out with me. Feeling the same entrapment I had felt those many years ago I had agreed to let her stay til she got on her feet! It wasn't an easy year for me. I had ran into the aunt of my old boyfriend and she reopened the wound by telling me all of his truth. I found out the reason he didn't want children with me was because he had children of his own already. He was a Mexican national only wanting to wed for immigration purposes. Which enraged me even more! I spent a total of 4years with this person and knew absolutely nothing except what he wanted me to know.
That year wasn't all that bad for me. By now I was 325lbs. This is the year I met what was to become my husband. I went to drop off my sister at a friends house and that is when I met him. That my friend is an entirely other story.
I am going to stop here for now and pick up tomorrow. Just reading over this has brought back so many memories for me. Feelings that I thought had gone....still surface. It is so hard to lose a child! Whether or not you have felt his/her movement or actually held them in your arms. My prayer tonight is for all those who have suffered this tragedy!...
"Dear Heavenly Father, my prayer tonight for you Lord is to help heal the hearts of all those mothers who have lost a child. Lord help heal their hearts, mind, and souls! Let them accept your will however painful it may be. Lord my prayer also includes a little plea to all those mothers who have children...cherish them! They are Your greatest gift to us! Help give them compassion and enlighten their spirits to understand that children are here to love! In your name all is possible! For this I pray...Amen"

Hello again!
I have neglected my blog for some time now because of family problems. I found out my brother had stage 2 lymphoma and my father has been in and out of the er. The last week. They can not find out what is wrong with him. Some say sludge in gallbladder, the other say it's liver, and another say intestinal problems. So we don't know. He says someone cast a spell on him! (jokingly of course) None the less my life has been torn upside down. I had a weigh-in since the last time I blogged and I only lost seven pounds. Bringing the grand total to 74lbs gone forever! ;D Good for me.
Somehow it doesn't seem enough. I need a total of 7 more pounds to reach my personal goal! I hope to achieve that this month! I go to the doctor tomorrow for a pre-surgery consult. I have to schedule an exam called an e.g.g. It is only a scope ran thru my throat. To check for any obstructions. Then next month go in for my white light scan. I don't look forward in doing that. Being naked in public whether or not they can see me just isn't my fortay!
My physical activities have came to a halt these last couple of weeks. Going to and from the doctors with my brother and then my father was just too much for me.
I would come home late and tired. So I didn't attend the water aerobics class or the shimmy class. I have been on the go. Now that I can finally breathe again think I'll go tomorrow back to the water aerobics class. I actually miss it! It would wind me down for the night. As strange as that may sound.
Then if matters didn't seem bad I lost a good friend of mine named Dottie. She was in a small group my other friend Karen started. (To help each other out on our bad days and give each other recipe ideas. Lots of other stuff.) I miss her! I used to chat with her every morning or so and she and I understood each other on so many levels. We were both the same size. Now she is an angel in heaven. She died from a clot.I suppose a coronary embolism. Not sure?
I started drinking cokes again. Very bad habit. It came back when I was super thirsty and had nothing to drink except my moms root beer. Well one thing led to another and no I am finding myself drinking at least one everyday again. Got to kick the habit AGAIN! So I started today....no cokes or carbonated beverages at all! Good for me!
As for the food it has become second nature to me now. I've learned to shop more wisely and efficiently. Even when I am not in my comfort zone I am seeing myself making excellent meal choices. Maybe that is why despite missing the physical activity I still lost a few pounds. I am not sure if that is it but I am grateful anyways! Well it is getting very late and I am tired from all the running around.
So I think I am about to go turn in for the night! Good night friends! Hope your diet and journey are doing better than I am!!!!

Today I ran into an old friend of mine! I mean really old friend. I think it had been something like 15years since I have seen this person. Boy oh boy did I feel small. Being the weight that I am now and running into someone who knew me when I as thin made me feel small. I don't ever want to feel like that again. I think I had this picture in my head of what I look like to people. I fooled myself into believing that I looked ok for a fat girl. How could I think I looked ok at 481? Or even no at 416? How can anyone get so comfortable with a way of life like I live? I left seeing this person pretty beat up inside. It was wonderful to see that person after all this time but it left me in a low spot. What was I thinking I tell myself sitting in my van crying and looking in the mirror. Don't get me wrong that person was very respectful and caring as usual but I could see the expression on their face when they looked at me. Again as if to say look how big you have become. I felt the disappointment and rejection of society all over again. This time not by society's hand but my own. How could I think having a "pretty face" could make up for the enormous body I carry around day in and out? I feel emotionally drained.
You know I have some amazing friend on face book who are encouraging me. We kind of help each other out when we are having bad days, or not. Even good days with recipes, advice, or just chat. I am usually the one full of encouraging words and advice, but today all my words just ran from my mouth! I feel like I disappointed myself! I think a revelation just occurred to me! One of my friends wants to do the six day intervention counselling like they did with Ruby. I think about now that is sounding more and more appealing to me.
I allowed myself get to a point where I was going to no return. If I didn't get cancer and was made to diet, I probably would of died a short and sad little life. I say little because it wouldn't have lasted longer than a couple of more years. I thank God people, Yes thank God for giving me cancer! It was and is my wake up call!
I will never in my life be this overweight person! I will not abuse the body that God gave me! I will learn to take care of it more diligently and skillfully.
Eating is my major problem! I have the physical fitness down! Now I must learn to control the eating habits I have created for myself. Changing 37 years of bad eating habits isn't as easy as going on a diet! No in fact that isn't the answer to any of my problems! Yes it helps me shed the pounds, however I must tackle the emotional side of the monster.
Now more than ever I will do so and you can help me thru my journey if you'd like. I think it started when I was 13 years old. I had my first little boyfriend. I don't think I'd ever forget him. He was a nice boy from a nice home. My parents didn't know because I never told them. I wasn't allowed to have a boyfriend. I was raised in a strict household. My step mother to me might have well been Adolf Hitler. She was the meanest mother on this earth to me. Someone told me she treated me mean because I reminded her so much of my biological mother. I don't think that was ever the case. She later told me she was too young when she and my father wed. She never expected to be an instant mother of 2. so she really didn't know what to do with us except for what she was taught growing up. Her story is probably ten times worse than mine. She came from foster care so you can imagine. Any way, hating my mother and sneaking around school with this boy made me have issues with eating. I would sneak into the kitchen after dinner and eat whatever I could find in the fridge. I would also wake up in the middle of the night and sneak into the kitchen for a bite. That is where I started.
Where I really began to have serious problems with the weight was with my pregnancy with my son Cordell. Already overweight, then bed ridden for 4 months did not help my matter at all. I gained a total of seventy five pounds with him. Then shortly after the birth of my son I found out my husband was having an affair.
Talk about turning to food! I literally felt isolated and ugly. So the only thing that comforted me was the food. I had no one again to tell my troubles to. So I stuck it out. We moved to Channelview then. I dropped fifteen pounds when we moved. Made a new friend and learned to trust my husband again. I maintained the weight for another year then had a set back again. Again my husband cheated on me. This time with the friend I had made.It was a double betrail. It really shocked the hell out of me because I never in a million years had expect that to happen with her! She was old enough to be my mother! Still I actually walked in on them have sex. How's that for trauma? I kicked him out and stayed in my home for one more year drowning in sorrow and self pity. Packing on another fifty pounds. This happened until I met this absolute fabulous person who showed me that I counted for something! This person cared enough to pick me up and dust me off. This person stood me back on my own two feet and placed a mirror in front of me and said look at yourself! I did! I saw many things that day! I saw a broken heart, tear stained face and a frown! No happiness left and no hope for myself.
Then I really looked deeper...Then and only then did I see the beautiful full figured woman that this person could look at and smile. I was pretty and my feelings and heart did matter! But as I stood before my really long ago friend today...
I saw that frown come back. I need to remind myself that the beautiful person is still there. She is just beneath the layers that need to melt away from me. I do not want to go back to this depressed state of being and so I choose to see that beautiful person I saw five years ago in that mirror. I will work to see her more clearly everyday. I will love me no matter what I look like and who sees me! Because we are worth being loved. I know I am!
With saying all this I know I have just bearly scratched my surface and yet I have a long way to go. It is days like today that make me appreciate the journey I am on now. To see myself crying all over again because of what people thought of me I can bear no more of. I am changing who I am inside as well as out and I need to keep reminding myself that no matter what size I am, I am still me! Lovable, emotional, and full life! I am sorry about today's blog! I know that it may be personal but I need to get some of this out so I don't repeat my same mistakes.
I will write more about the issues of my husband at a later time for I know that there is the route of the problem. For now this is all I care to share. Keep on the track no matter what life throws at you!

Today was a good day for my physical activities and diet. I was under 500 cals and ate all the required foods. My knee hurt in the morning during workout time but I bit the bullet and kept going.
The more my movement comes back to me the more the knee acts up. So I am finding it inevitable that I must see the ortho doctor now. I was hoping to put it off til after surgery but I need this knee well. I ant to start a water aerobics class here at the apartment complex I live at during summertime. I know I have seen quite a few people around here that could benefit from such a class. I have spoke to the local ymca about joining efforts with me and they have agreed as long as I can get the approval of the complex manager. I don't know know how that will go but I am diving in head first! The longer I stay on this journey the more I find myself compelled to help others in the same situation I was in and still am fighting. Helping your neighbor , your friend, or even a loved one can be beneficial to both you and that person. So find like Kirstie Alley calls a chubby buddy and work out! Get moving even if it is just 5 minutes a day. By the time you know it you'll have walked a marathon! I am moved to help and be helped I hope there are more people out there like me! Motivated enough to help someone else and so forth. We can no longer be the unhealthiest generation ever! Let's fight together!

I had a long weekend! I seriously don't know how I survived!!!
I had 2 boys who were sooo hyped it was unreal. But I made it! Now on with the night and getting prepared for the week. I just finished watching the program about the worlds largest woman to undergo gastric bypass surgery. I was in tears to see that she passed after the surgery of a heart attack. After all she endured to reach where she was going her passing was untimely. The woman weighed over 900lbs. I can not imagine being that large. I almost hit 500lbs at my highest weight and then I was unable to perform basically anything. Being bed ridden would just have been to much for me to handle and yet I was so close to being there without realizing it. If you were to see the show it was just overwhelming to see someone getting that far gone and bed ridden that long. How I ask? How can someone allow themselves to reach the point they can not move? But I can not, nor dare not criticize because I was not to far from that point. Food is powerful! It plays a very powerful role in our lives. Without it we can not survive. With it you can lead a life of destruction. So where do you draw the line? That is a question I am still working on. My size comes from my addiction and eating disorder. I am learning it was not the amount of food I consumed but the timing and types of food I consumed. The saying what is eating you is ironic, because in my case it is truly the food that was eating me instead of I eat it. Food plays a comfort role in my life. Being there after heartaches and despair. Living thru the tears and the hurt. Calling me in moments of weakness and relapse. I learned my problem is "I AM AN EMOTIONAL EATER!" I did not like to admit it at first. Embarrassed and ashamed how people would perceive me and my problem I hid it. No frankly, and I do speak frankly, I could care less who knows! As long as I can own up to my addiction and learn to control my emotions and eating I know it will be a great recovery from a destructive behavior. Admitting you have the problem is the first step. Then next step is acknowledging the problem is bigger than you. The next step is knowing you need to seek help because you can not do this alone! Then and only then can you work on recovering from your addiction or eating disorder. I found all of this too close for comfort at a meeting with my psych. doctor last month. I never ever classified myself as an emotional eater. After talking with her and seeing the pattern in which I was speaking. She repeated the things I was saying I could clearly see that I had the very problem in which I consider myself from being immune to. How ironic is that? My family kept saying to me I don't know why you are so big. We never see you eat. No they didn't ever see me eat. After my marriage failed I turned to food for comfort. Not in a sense you think an obese woman would though. Gorging and just going off the deep end...No I did the opposite. I starved myself because "I wasn't thin enough." I lost about 30lbs in 3weeks. After I gave up and turned to food in yet another way I gained 75lbs! Doubling everything I got rid of. I would go to work and then come home and shower. After the shower spend time with my son. After my son then I would eat dinner which usually was about 10pm to 11pm. So I would eat then go straight to bed! No movement, no nothing! So all the calories never burned off they would just deposit themselves into the already large body I have. I killed my metabolism! Leading me to balloon to a large 481 lbs.
Now at 416lbs I feel hopeful! I feel full of energy! Ability to do more! My mobility has increased 100%. Don't get me wrong, I am nowhere near where I need to be but I know I am well on my way! This time no failure, no tears(Except those of joy) No late night dinners. No going straight to bed. No more! no more! Never again!
I refuse to be that 481lb woman watching my son grow up on the side line. I refuse to be that "pretty face" people see. I refuse to be that woman kid stare at the grocery store because of my size! I refuse to be the snide remarks the thin girls make when shopping for clothes! I refuse to stop living and stop breathing! I will not die! I will live!
I will walk! I will count calories! I will have a healthy relationship with my food. I will enjoy shopping for clothes! I will be able to walk the entire mile around the park! I will be!
When my cousin Lisa passed she embedded in me the will to not ever give in. I saw myself in her coffin. She passed this past holiday season. My age of breast cancer. I will not let my weight be the reason they can not treat my cancer. I will not be a victim to this beast cancer! Nor the beast (like Ruby calls it) weight. I will overcome and triumph! Those who have walked a mile in my shoes know how it is to struggle day by day with your weight. Those on our journey know how important it is to constantly be reminded of what we have to gain and everything we stand to lose if we do not do anything! Please people who read this if any, get those shoes on get moving. Get your menus planned. Count the calories! Burn more than you take in. You can do this! If Ruby can, if I am doing it, if many others have. Why not you? We are all alike in this aspect! So please I beg of you...let's do this together! Let's not be the 900lb person stuck in their house or bed ridden. If you are that person incapable of moving ask for help! Don't take no for an answer! Keep asking until someone hears your pleas! IT IS NEVER TOO LATE!

Just got back from the new oncologist. Funny thing he referred me back to my old one! Why do I seem to be getting the running around kind of doctors? M.D.Anderson is the best cancer facility in in the cancer business I have no doubt. However my insurance made me change doctors and this doctor just found a loophole to send me right back to here I was to begin with. How ironic is that? So I guess after raking my brains and find this new one it was a waste of my time and theirs. Any how on with the day. I weighed in again today and lost 2lbs from yesterday. I thought that was weird because I ate well yesterday and did the normal exercise. Went to bed early. I will still take it though 2lbs are 2lbs! That puts me 18lbs till I reach the weight I set for myself before my surgery! They wanted me to lose 30lbs. I've done that! I added an extra 30lbs for my personal self goal. So I am feeling pretty content with myself. Not to mention that I still have 2more months to do this in! Attainable! For me nothing isn't! I will give my all and do the best. I have decided to step it up a notch for the fitness part. I have comcast and get fit TV and they have some pretty good programs on their to help work you out. So I have decided that since my doctors appointments will soon slow down, I will commit myself to doing at least 1 program, every other day! Between that and the water aerobics and the walking should see the pounds roll off before surgery.
Every time I talk about my surgery I feel nervous and anxious. Nervous that all turn out well. Anxious to get things moving! I want this part of my life to be over with! People who know me well ask me ho I feel about the surgery now that it is nearing. I reply saying I feel good about my decision to go thru with it. Then there are those who think I am solely doing it for cosmetic reasons and should not do it. To them I say" Trying putting on a body suit with the amount of weight I carry everyday tied to it. Go about your daily activities for one day...and see how it feels to be me and then tell me I am doing it for cosmetic reasons!" No baby, I am not doing this to look sexy or be beautiful! I have always had my own sex appeal. I have always been beautiful! Now I want to be healthy! Nothing more and nothing less.
I have a relative who when I see her is obese as well, not as much as I am but she is up there too. She tells me I am cheating. Doing this the easy way...Let me say this!!
There is no easy way! Your way or mine, it is still a life long struggle and journey!
No matter how we get to where we need to be it is all relative! We are on the same journey! We are both going to be make life changing lifestyles and eating habits. So no I am not cheating. If you walk in my shoes and know that I do not have the time or luxury of doing this like you call"the right way" you would understand me better!
Well I need to get going to get the boys! So until next blog put on your shoes, lace them up and getting moving! Don't stay glued to your chair or computer!}:)

Got back from the doc and already had dinner resting from the day and reflecting. I lost another 3 lbs. As I look at the numbers they are starting to mean something. Shrinking back the numbers and see the waist starting to form again. My cheeks bones are starting to show again! Not just the fat chipmunk cheeks I had. The multiple necks are dissipating. The overall feeling increase to satisfaction, content! I still have a long way to go and know that the battle still rages on. But the I feel of joy not sorrow in my daily activities. I use to just want to sleep and pass the day sitting doing absolutely nothing! Now I am full of desire to participate and become engaged in all the activities that surround me! If I am capable physically to perform the task then I jump into it wholeheartedly without hesitation. If I find the task to be difficult I still jump into it but....I do it with precaution and care. None the less at the end of the day I am pooped and ready to fall into bed!
The amazing thing is that I still wake up with energy! That never happened before.
I find this new life I am starting to live invigorating and fun!
Well all I really need to do now is really work on the food aspect of my life. I want to learn to have a healthy relationship with my food. Not just gorge or feed myself. It is kind of funny I say that because it reminds me of what my dietitian said to me once....You have to see your relationship with food as a love affair. However bizarre it may sound it is true. If you live to eat it is like you live only in seclusion with your food not sharing yourself to the rest of the world. Being alone with just your food can be unhealthy for you. You become obsessive and possessive....(just like in a unhealthy relationship.) Hoever if your cheat on your food, become the dirty lil mistress and share your self only some of the time you can learn when enough is enough. (she referred this to a married man and many women.) Does just belong to one and not obsessing on just the food. Isolation in any environment can be just as damaging to your diet a a solid love affair with it too. If you do not get out see people and talk to others you lose your self perception and do not realize how large you have become. Out in the public we are constantly criticized for our large nature and round forms. In solitude we develop a mental picture of ourselves and say we still look ok. When in reality e do not! Come on people be the dirty mistress to your food! Don't dwell and cheat on it! Go have a love affair with physical activity and fun! I know I am enjoying my love affair!:)

Getting ready to head out the door to go see the cardiologist. Hope it is good news. I get closer and closer to my surgery date and feel the nerves just building! It feels like a coke hen you shake it up ready to explode! That's how I feel inside!I am ready for a major change in life and health! I hate being home! Stuck doing the same mundane things day in and day! I am a people person and miss working in the public! Don't get me wrong I am not complaining about my life...just the same activities I repeat! I don't take none of them for granted. As for I use to not be able to do most of them. Now I can! So gratitude is a very large part of my life now.
A very close friend of mine became involved with someone recently. It sparked this person to make changes in their lives as well, but my question is this?
Why must you wait till that significant other comes along to make a change? Why not do it for yourself? The reward for this would be greater don't you think?
I personally am on a selfish journey to a healthier me! It is for me! So I may live longer, perform as a citizen better, and be a better mother to my child. My child is a funny little man! He just celebrated his 9th birthday on this past Saturday and he had fun. The thing that makes me laugh is now that he is 9, he thinks he is too cool for public affection from me. It never bothered him before...why now? Boys...Who understands them. I love even more than when I first held him! Looking at him is inspiration enough for me to battle out all this and triumph at the end!
I found a website that can help people with suggestions to a healthy diet and lifestyle. It is called Spark people. If you go under google and type on calorie counters it should pop up. It has fitness suggestions, meal suggestions and even helps you track your caloric intake to caloric burn. I found it to be a help lil tool. Maybe someone else would like to go on and try it or not whatever works for you.
I missed 2 classes of swimming (aerobics) and missed a day of walking last week. This week I am doing very well thus far! Can't wait till summer vacation starts for my son! We will get to be out and about more often. I know this will help me to burn more calories and get in more fitness. So with that I must say till later I am off to the doctors to see how my progress is coming. Tell you later...

Today I am physically drained!
I am having a very bad day physically. I have done so much today and now I am super tired. I forget that my illness drain me. I want to do so much more than I can. I am getting my mobility back now more than ever and able to do things normal people take for granted with great pride and joy. The downfall is that I am tired at the end of the day just falling into the bed! My knees become more and more in pain but I struggle thru it anyway knowing the end will justify the pain.
My food has been super today. I had my proteins shake for breakfast and a lean cuisine for lunch and a salad and chicken for dinner. Snacks included jello and pineapple chunks. So I think I did well. I see pictures of myself and see some progression to them. It makes me happy to see that I am getting my neckline and cheek structure back!:) Haven't seen them a years!:) So everything is well. I spoke with my brother yesterday and got good news about his cancer. They have caught it early and can remove it. It has not gone into his bone marrow. which is wonderful! Well running short on time and lots to say so I will blog early in the morning. Till then sweet dreams!

I have been a busy beaver!
Yesterday turned out ok! My son's party was moved to Incredible pizza instead of chuck e cheese. It was a buffet place. I didn't get to eat before I left to the party and am surprised to say I didn't stuff my face! I had a buffet plate with almost all veggies. Yes veggies. I had salad,(no dressing just lemon) green beans, 1slice of veggie pizza and a jello for dessert. No cake! So I feel pretty good about the day. Today however was a different thing entirely! I had the munchies for some reason! I ate 250 cals over my cal count. But I walked longer to burn it off. I know it doesn't justify my eating but I am only human! I have my faults like everyone else! I can not beat myself up over it!
I think I know what triggered this eating. I got bad news on Friday. My brother was diagnosed with cancer as well. They are running test to see what extent the cancer has gone but I still feel for him. My emotions triggered an eating spree. I have to find a way to control this matter because if I don't I will never win my battle with weight.
I took the leftover cake to my parents house so they could have it. Do not need temptation in my house! Any how it is late and I must get my son into the shower and ready for bed. He has school tomorrow! I have a doctor's appointment. They are a way of life for me now a days. I can't wait till this is all over and I have my final surgery for the cancer and am thru with all of this!!!! That will be the greatest day of my life! So till tomorrow....Have a blessed night!